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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28492182">Up Among the Stars</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jocastatano/pseuds/jocastatano'>jocastatano</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>up among the stars [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars: Rebels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A LOT of canon divergence, Because of Reasons, Character Death, F/M, Fluff, The Force, and some embarrassing continuity errors that i cant be bothered to edit out, but also lots of cute alex because he is underappreciated and this is a hill i will die on, i make up lots of things about the star wars universe, its star wars of course there's character death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:54:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>48,177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28492182</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jocastatano/pseuds/jocastatano</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Why’d I have to risk my damn life for a bloody <i>Imperial<i>?'<br/>‘The amount of times him and his damned bucketheads could’ve killed us and we’re just supposed to forget it?’<br/>‘I bet it’s all a set-up - the traitor’s probably reporting back to them as we speak.'<br/>‘We should just float him now and be done with it.’</i></i></p><p> </p><p>  <i></i><br/><i>The sentiment all over the base seemed to be the same - Agent Kallus wasn't welcome in the rebellion. It was easy to agree with them, after all you were no stranger to the destruction Kallus had caused during his time as an Imperial. But even after five minutes in his company, it seemed harder to agree with the negative comments, and after five hours? Practically impossible.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexsandr Kallus/Original Female Character(s), Alexsandr Kallus/Reader, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>up among the stars [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2301176</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>94</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey! as a kallus simp (obviously) i was so upset by the distinct lack of kallus/ofc content so i decided to write some myself :) i'm not a writer, so please lmk any feedback/constructive criticism u have, i really want to know how to improve</p><p>also i'm not very good at summaries lol just read it anyway :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time you heard them talking about him, you were in the mess hall. It had been two rotations since the siege of Atollon, and as such none of the refugees had received any assignments yet. They were bored.</p><p>‘Why’d I have to risk my damn life for a bloody <em>Imperial</em>?’<br/>
‘The amount of times him and his damned bucketheads could’ve killed us and we’re just supposed to forget it?’<br/>
‘I bet it’s all a set-up - the traitor’s probably reporting back to them as we speak.’<br/>
‘We should just float him now and be done with it.’</p><p>A group of Y-wing pilots were sitting in the corner, taking turns swigging from a flask that you were certain didn’t contain meiloorun juice. They were talking about Kallus - the Imperial that you had picked up in an escape pod before making the jump. You had yet to meet him in person (somehow you had always been either repairing the ship or on another mission when the Ghost crew had run into him), but you silently agreed with their points, no matter how much it pained you to share an opinion with a bunch of rowdy, half-drunk, Y-wingers. </p><p>Just as you picked up your fork again to finish your (albeit unappetising) meal, your comm flashed three times, signalling that you were needed on the Ghost. You made your way around tables in the mess hall to return your barely-touched food, and then through the cold, silent corridors to the hangar.</p><p>Kanan and Hera were sitting on the lowered ramp waiting for you, and they stood as you neared.</p><p>‘Thanks for coming, I hope we didn’t interrupt anything.’ Hera spoke, beckoning you to follow them into the cargo bay of the ship.</p><p>‘Gods no, I should be thanking you for rescuing me from that slop they call food! I miss having a base on a planet with actual edible animals on it.’ You replied, sitting on an empty box. ‘Anyway, what’s up?’ It was unusual for you to be called to a meeting by yourself.</p><p>They looked at each other. Hera raised one eyebrow, in the way that she does when she thinks that you’re stupid but doesn’t really care enough to do anything about it. Kanan sheepishly smiled at her, then turned to you.</p><p>‘I want you to go on a solo mission.’ Kanan told you.</p><p>Solo missions were rare, and were only for useless things like collecting berries from the bushes five klicks from Chopper Base that no one else wanted to have to trek to, but everyone wanted to eat in a pie, or for really cool secretive Jedi stuff. You had only ever been given the first kind, despite having started your Jedi training at the same time as Ezra (not that you were bitter, of course). </p><p>It was your turn to raise an eyebrow. You didn’t want to get your hopes up for a Jedi mission yet - ‘Don’t tell me there are hovinjal berries on the other side of Yavin? Because if there are, send Ezra. It’s his turn to go.’</p><p>Kanan chuckled. ‘No. This is a Jedi solo mission. You know that Ezra earned his kyber crystal in the Jedi temple on Lothal - I believe there is a chance for you to do the same here.’</p><p>‘Dank farrik!’ You pulled Kanan in for a hug that he definitely didn’t want to be a part of. ‘I won’t let you down Kanan! When do I leave?’ You couldn’t wait to be able to build your very own lightsaber.</p><p>‘Patience,’ Hera cautioned. ‘I’ve talked to Sato, and we have nothing planned for a while, so you can pack now. I know you’re excited, kid, but I don’t want you to underestimate the trial you may have to face. Slow down. Be careful.’</p><p>‘Yeah, yeah, mum, I’m always careful. And I’m not a kid!’ You rushed off before she had a chance to reply, eager to be able to leave. </p><p> So eager, in fact, that you didn’t see the person standing in front of the entrance to the hangar, and ended up on the floor in a tangle of limbs.</p><p>‘Karabast, sorry!’ You exclaimed, attempting to disentangle yourself, before you even had a chance to realise that the person you had bumped into was none other than Kallus himself. As in, Imperial Kallus. Probably a spy Kallus. Hold on - attractive Kallus?</p><p>Surely he didn’t look like this when you had caught a glimpse of that blond hair from your seat at the nose gun on Lothal all those months ago? Huh. Maybe joining the rebellion was good for your looks. </p><p>You realised you were still sitting on the floor, lost in your silly little thoughts, and quickly rose to your feet and extended a hand to him. He was holding his ribs - maybe he was weaker than he looked and you had really winded him. Well, serves him right for being an Imperial. No that’s a mean thing to think, you thought. Ugh. Stop thinking.</p><p>‘Sorry.’ You repeated. What was the etiquette for when you bump into someone but you aren’t really sorry and you want to just keep going because Kanan said you can build a lightsaber and you’re gonna be a real Jedi?</p><p>‘No worries. I probably shouldn’t have been in the way.’ He replied, taking your hand with his gloved one and pulling himself off the floor.</p><p><em>Dank farrik.</em> You thought. It was harder to agree with those Y-wing pilots on the whole “Screw Kallus” rhetoric when his voice sounded like that (<em>that</em>, in this case, being deep and rumbly and altogether rather pleasant), and his face looked like that (a different <em>that</em> - smooth despite the weathering, and kind, despite what you were desperately trying to make yourself think). He was taller than he had looked when he was on the ground, but seemed to be trying to shrink into himself as though he knew what you, and likely everyone else on Yavin 4, were thinking about him.</p><p>You made yourself snap out of it - ‘No, it was my fault.’ you responded, because, well, it was. You found yourself unable to look away when he matched your gaze - there was something about his eyes. You found yourself inexplicably wanting to keep looking forever…</p><p><em>No! Lightsaber.</em> You suddenly remembered. You shook your head - what was coming over you?</p><p>‘Sorry,’ (again, damn it, why couldn’t your brain think of other words?) ‘I, uh- I better go.’ And off you dashed again, barely able to hear him respond ‘Of course…’ before you were out of earshot.</p><p>You had managed to put Kallus out of your mind until you input the coordinates that Kanan had given you into the Phantom navicomputer, and set the auto-pilot. With only your thoughts to keep you company, you first pondered whether you truly were ready to retrieve your own kyber crystal, and what if you weren’t, and you had to fly back in the Phantom and see Kanan’s face when he realised that you had failed him, and that you obviously weren’t the Jedi that he thought you were, that your grandmother’s sister Jocasta Nu had died to let you be during the siege of the Jedi temple, where she had lain down her own life that you might escape the clones. Was that to have been in vain?</p><p>Yeah, no. That train of thought was too depressing.</p><p>Instead, you thought of Kallus, and tried to piece together from your frankly pathetic memories what exactly had happened. How is it that something that happened so recently was so hard for you to remember accurately? Had he really been angry at you, or was that your brain trying to fool you for no reason other than to get on your own nerves? What was that you thought you had seen flicker in his eye - was it annoyance, or perhaps attraction?</p><p>Why were you even craving attraction from him, when firstly, you had met him for about three brief seconds and knew barely anything about him, and secondly, he was a damn Imperial?</p><p>Stars, thinking is such a waste of time and energy. It makes no sense.</p><p>And so you resolved to meditate on everything you knew about your Jedi training for the remainder of the journey, in the hopes that it might actually be of some use to you, since the thoughts your brain was trying to make you think evidently wouldn’t be.</p><p>---</p><p>The trip to the Jedi temple went quicker when you were meditating, and before you knew it you were startled by the soft beep that signified the autopilot relinquishing control of the ship. You scrambled into the pilot seat and set down the Phantom a short distance from the stone pyramid structure.</p><p>You weren’t quite sure what to do now. Kanan had briefed you before you had taken off, but the briefing was just that - brief. Of course Ezra had told you all about how he had retrieved his kyber crystal, but it was different hearing about it and having to do it all by yourself.</p><p>The door to the temple was roughly twice your height, but there was a large section missing - presumably bombed by the Empire. At least you didn’t have to waste your strength lifting it, you thought, trying to see the bright side.</p><p>The inside of the temple was covered in moss, ivy, and various other crawling plants. It was obvious no one had been in here for a while. It shouldn’t have been surprising to you, since the Empire had wiped out most of the Jedi years ago, but when compared to your few memories of the Jedi temple on Coruscant, it still hurt to see somewhere once so great reduced to this.</p><p>‘Hello?’ you called out tentatively. You weren’t expecting anyone to answer, of course, but it felt wrong to stand there in silence.</p><p>‘Greetings, young padawan.’ came a disembodied voice, making you jump. ‘Waiting for your arrival, I have been.’</p><p>The distinctive grammar coupled with the familiar voice at once brought back a rush of memories from your time as a youngling.</p><p>‘Master Yoda?!’ Ezra had told you that he had seen him on Lothal, but it was a surprise nevertheless. You knew that Yoda was strong, both physically and with the force, but you still found it hard to imagine a being so small to have survived the clones, and the Empire’s rule for years since then. ‘Master Yoda, is that really you?’</p><p>You felt a tad stupid, turning in circles trying to find the source of the voice even though you were sure there probably wasn’t one.</p><p>‘Yes, padawan. Good to see you, it is. Glad you are continuing your training, I am.’</p><p>‘I’m trying, master. My master sent me here to find a kyber crystal? I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing.’ </p><p>‘Help you, I cannot. Face the trial alone, you must.’</p><p>Helpful as ever, you thought to yourself.</p><p>‘Through the door you must go, young one. Waiting for you, the kyber is.’</p><p>‘I don’t even know what it looks like, master? How do I know where to look?’</p><p>‘You will know. The force is with you, padawan. Be with the force.’</p><p>Even though you couldn’t see him, you felt his presence fade from the temple. You were alone again. </p><p><em>The force is with me. I am one with the force.</em> you repeated to yourself.</p><p>You glanced round the temple again, not sure what you were looking for. But there was nothing, still. What now?</p><p>
  <em>I am one with the force.</em>
</p><p>You shut your eyes, hoping to be able to see something in the force that you couldn’t with your eyes.</p><p>
  <em>The force is with me.</em>
</p><p>You let the force guide you, reaching into it and feeling a responding pull. Your feet moved of their own accord, somehow managing to miss the vines all over the floor that previously had tripped you up. You could feel the force coursing through you, connecting yourself to the floor and walls, and the power within them.</p><p>You continued walking, past where you were sure there was a wall a second ago. The force remained constant, but you couldn’t help but open your eyes - to pitch black.</p><p>At first, you had thought that your vision had been impaired, but when you looked down at yourself you could see perfectly well. Where were you?</p><p>You reached out with the force, trying to sense the temple that you had been standing in moments ago, but it was gone. In its place there was… nothing.</p><p>Not empty space, because that’s something.</p><p>There was nothing.</p><p>You walked a few paces, but there was no change in scenery. You almost started to panic, but you reminded yourself of Yoda’s reassurance.</p><p>
  <em>I am one with the force. The force is with me.</em>
</p><p>‘You think the force can save you, kid?’ came the distinctive voice of a clone trooper from behind you.</p><p>You whirled around, still trying to feel for something in the force. But the trooper wasn’t a part of the living force.</p><p>All of a sudden, you recognised the markings on his armour. Clone trooper 5968 - Shields, named for his preference of defensive maneuvers over reckless attacks that so many other troopers were fond of. He had been a friend of your grandmother’s sister, Jocasta Nu. You had grown up with him as a constant presence. He was there when you were taken from your parents, he was there during your whole time at the Jedi temple, he was there for you whenever you were upset or hurt.</p><p>He was there when the temple burned in pieces around you.</p><p>He was there when the younglings that had escaped Master Skywalker’s notice ran to the arriving clone battalion for help, terrified.</p><p>He was there when the clones fired on them.</p><p>‘Shields?’</p><p>You trembled, all of a sudden reduced to that child again, surrounded by the corpses of your friends, at the mercy of the man you had once looked on as a father figure.</p><p>‘You think the force can save you?’ He repeated. ‘How’d it do at saving the others, hmm?’</p><p>You shut your eyes tight and sank to your knees, willing him away. But you still couldn’t sense him through the force. A ghost? Or an apparition? Or simply your own mind going mad? All of a sudden you couldn’t remember how long you had been sitting on the floor shuddering.</p><p>Minutes? Or was it days?</p><p>You felt helpless without the force to see through. Hoping for Shields to have gone, you opened your eyes. But this time it was worse.</p><p>Kanan stood before you, but not the Kanan that you knew. He was… different, somehow.</p><p>His eyes glowed yellow, and he seemed taller and imposing in a way that you were sure you had never seen him before.</p><p>He called your name, igniting his blade at the same time. It glowed a red that caused you to scramble away in desperate fear.</p><p>‘Kanan?’ you pleaded. ‘Please, Kanan, no…’</p><p>He advanced upon you, idly twirling his lightsaber at his side, letting the red exposure leave circular trails in the darkness of the nothing. He said your name again, enunciating in the characteristic way of the Inquisitors.</p><p>‘You are afraid?’ he asked, pointing the blade at you. ‘Is it death that you fear? You are weak. Helpless. Pathetic.’</p><p>You shook your head, trying to pull yourself together.</p><p>‘I am disappointed. I had expected better of you, padawan.’ He spat the last word, his voice full of derision.</p><p>‘No.’ you whispered, but you believed it about as much as he looked like he did.</p><p>‘Weak.’</p><p>‘No.’ stronger this time. You tried to get yourself to believe it.</p><p>‘No. I’m not afraid. I’m not scared of you.’</p><p>You briefly closed your eyes to better feel the force coursing through you. You weren’t weak.</p><p>
  <em>I am one with the force.</em>
</p><p>You stood. If you were to die at the hands of your master, you would do it bravely.</p><p>
  <em>The force is with me.</em>
</p><p>‘I am not afraid of you. I do not fear death, or pain.’</p><p>You watched him raise his lightsaber, preparing to strike you.</p><p>‘I am one with the force. The force is with me.’</p><p>He swung, and you closed your eyes to brace against the coming pain.</p><p>But it never came. When you dared to look, Kanan had frozen mid-swing. The laser was a hair's width from your neck, and you suddenly realised the other unnatural element of Kanan’s appearance. It was silent - none of the characteristic electrical crackling of a normal lightsaber.</p><p>‘This isn’t real…’ you whispered to yourself, allowing the tension and adrenaline to leave your body.</p><p>Kanan faded into the nothing, as though your revelation had freed you from the vision.</p><p>You sank to your knees again, but controlled this time. There was no need to close your eyes to meditate, but you did anyway, in an attempt at forging normalcy. Time was more solid now, and you could feel it passing through the force as you meditated on what you had experienced. You sat there for a while longer than you had intended - the adrenaline still hadn’t worn off and you felt a bit too shaky to fly properly, let alone figure out how to get out of the nothing.</p><p>Just as you resolved to get up, you felt something materialise in your hands, clasped on your knees. As you could feel it physically, so too could you feel it through the force with your eyes shut. The sharp edges, the raw power emanating from it - a kyber crystal. Could it be?</p><p>When you opened your eyes to marvel at it, you were once again surrounded by the familiar ivy-covered walls of the Jedi temple.</p><p>The crystal shone with its own power, and you began to feel it radiating through you as an extension of your own connection to the force as it seemed to fuse together in the living force.</p><p>Still rather shaken from your experience, you pocketed the crystal as you input the coordinates to the base in the navi-comp and lay on your back on the floor of the Phantom, relieved to be back in it’s familiar cold, metal interior.</p><p>---</p><p>You lay there, fiddling with the crystal, for the whole journey, and only rose when the Phantom beeped to let you know the auto-pilot had disengaged.</p><p>You could see Kanan and Ezra waiting to greet you even as you approached. You were still shaken from your encounter with fake-Sith-Kanan, and you pretty much collapsed into his arms when you disembarked, suddenly feeling absolutely exhausted.</p><p>‘Gods, I’m never doing that again.’ you sighed against his chest, letting him support you into a sitting position on a nearby crate. You could feel the excitement and curiosity radiating off Ezra, but Kanan obviously sent him a silent signal, as he just patted you on the head in a semi-comforting way, mumbled something like ‘I’ll talk to you later’ and walked off.</p><p>Kanan tried to pull away, but you were still so affected by the Kanan you had seen earlier that you didn’t let him. He relented, and stroked your hair, while actively projecting calming waves through the force towards you.</p><p>‘Do you want to talk about it?’</p><p>‘Not right now. I think I need to sleep for, like, a year.’ you were barely able to manage to speak above a whisper. The trial really had taken it out of you, in a way that you weren’t aware of at the time.</p><p>Kanan hummed in assent, and you felt him continue to support you both physically and through the force, as you walked together through the almost empty hallways to your room.</p><p>‘How long was I gone?’ you asked, finally seated on your familiar bed. It wasn’t yet dark outside, but the rotations on Yavin were shorter than you were used to, so you weren’t sure if a night had passed or not.</p><p>‘Two rotations. We were worried about you.’ he helped you cover yourself with the blankets, continuing to stroke your hair comfortingly with his other hand.</p><p>‘Huh. Longer than I thought.’ your eyes were closing against your will, and your voice trailed off despite yourself.</p><p>‘Sleep, padawan.’ Kanan soothed, taking the crystal out of your clenched fist, and placing it on the nightstand next to you.</p><p>‘Kanan,’ You didn’t want to be left to your dreams, where you were sure either Shields or Sith-Kanan would make an unwanted appearance. ‘Stay.’</p><p>You felt the bed compress as he sat, and at once felt safer and protected by his presence, and you allowed sleep to overcome you.</p><p>---</p><p>You woke just in time to be able to have a shower before dinner was served. Kanan wasn’t there, but he’d left a note under the kyber crystal telling you that he would find you as soon as his briefing was over. In the meantime, you were starving (seeing as you apparently hadn’t eaten in three days), and made your way to the mess hall.</p><p>Nearly all the tables were full - an unfortunate consequence of having to squeeze two bases worth of rebels into a space designed for one. There was one obviously unpopulated area of the room though, and as you moved closer through the throng you realised why. Agent Kallus of the Imperial Security Bureau was eating alone, looking rather worse for wear.</p><p>You weren’t particularly in the mood for conversation; though you had slept for a while it was punctuated by dreams of Shields and the destruction of the Jedi temple. Figuring that your best bet for an uninterrupted meal was at the table with the least amount of people, you heaped your plate with probably more food than you could finish and seated yourself at the circular table opposite Kallus. </p><p>He looked up for a moment when you sat, and you could see that your original diagnosis of ‘worse for wear’ was all too accurate - there was a yellowing bruise obviously a few days old covering the majority of the left side of his face, and his bottom lip was split.</p><p>Probably the guys from the Y-wing squadron. The A-wingers were notorious for thinking with either their fists or their dicks (they had about one brain cell to share between the whole squad when they weren’t flying).</p><p>Or maybe not. Judging by the fact that he was sitting alone, and presumably no one had offered to direct him to the med bay, it could’ve been anyone on the base. People didn’t hold ex-Imperials in high regard, no matter what they may have sacrificed in order to be there.</p><p>‘You look like shit.’ It felt nice to be able to be brutally honest, and genuinely not care what the person thought of you.</p><p>‘I could say the same for you.’ He didn’t look up at you as he spoke.</p><p>That was a fair comment - you had massive bags under your eyes and your still damp hair was bundled into the kind of messy bun that isn’t the cute kind of messy. But you didn’t want to talk about you.</p><p>‘You walk into a door or something?’ Even though you were already fairly certain that wasn't it, you were curious as to what he would cite as the reason for his appearance.</p><p>‘Something like that.’</p><p>So he wasn’t a snitch - that was nice.</p><p>‘Huh. The kind of door that flies an Y-wing?’</p><p>Kallus didn’t answer, but continued picking at his food without actually putting anything in his mouth.</p><p>‘Have you been to see a med droid yet? They could probably fix that up a bit.’ You gestured vaguely towards his face. ‘I can take you after dinner if you want.'</p><p>You really weren’t sure why you were attempting to help him - maybe it was because you didn’t want to have to think about your own problems, or because he looked so damn helpless and you may have a tiny bit of a saviour complex (well, you wouldn’t really be a proper Jedi without one, right?). Or maybe it was because he was kind of hot (especially with that split lip), and you kind of wanted to spend more time with him. But only kind of.</p><p>He looked up when you said that, probably surprised that anyone would offer to help him. You could see it on his face - he didn’t trust you. It was in the way that his eyes remained guarded despite the fact that he was obviously trying to keep his expression neutral, and in the way that the muscles in his jaw (no matter how battered it was) were tense.</p><p>Of course, there was no reason that you should feel hurt about this, seeing as you had agreed with what the A-wingers were saying the other day (not about the letting him die in the vacuum of space, but the other bits about him probably being a spy and not deserving of anyone’s trust), and also you had only exchanged about twenty words with him, if that.</p><p>As someone so sensitive to the force, you were used to being able to sense whether people were trustworthy or not instinctively, and you guessed you must have subconsciously assumed that others would do the same. Which was why, against your best efforts, you <i>were<i> a little offended that Kallus didn’t trust you. Maybe you should make that your project - to gain his trust. Kanan wouldn’t send you on a mission until you had built, and were comfortable with, your lightsaber, which could take ages. You had been back for only a few hours and you were already beginning to feel a bit cooped up in this sterile, artificial ‘home’.</i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Kallus was still watching you, as though he were trying to sense your intentions through the force, even though you knew that he couldn’t. Eventually, though, he unclenched his jaw and nodded.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Ha. You were on your way to achieving your goal.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He was still pushing his food in circles round his plate without eating. You guessed it probably hurt him to chew, and the meat today (you vaguely remembered seeing a sign saying porg? It tasted more like fifty year old bantha) was particularly chewy. ‘You gonna eat that? I wouldn’t want it to go to waste, right?’</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He snorted at your lame excuse, and pushed the plate over the table to you.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Making him laugh is probably double-points in the ‘Get Kallus to trust you’ game, right? Maybe it would be easier than you thought.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>—</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>You were fairly familiar with the Yavin Base even before Atollon was destroyed; you had been contracted out to Dodonna with Ezra a while back to give them a force sensitive advantage over a particularly difficult Imperial general heading the occupation of Rodia. At the time, you were annoyed since it meant taking a break from Jedi training with Kanan, but now seeing the other rebels from Atollon get lost constantly in the various converted indigenous structures you were grateful that you were already familiar with the layout.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>It wasn’t far to the med bay, and Kallus didn’t offer a word during the walk. Upon closer inspection he had a very slight limp when he walked (he was trying to hide it, but that only made it more obvious), and it seemed like there might be a problem with his breathing. You suddenly remembered more clearly the way that he had been holding his ribs after you bowled into him before you had left - that couldn’t have been from the A-wing pilots too, could it?</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The door opened automatically, and triggered the med droid to start up. There had been no missions since the refugees had arrived from Atollon, and as such no injuries for it to treat - the beds were empty and it had evidently done a full tidy before powering down.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>A green scanner passed over both you and Kallus from the droid’s visual plate before you had a chance to even address it.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>It started with you - first rattling off what felt like the top five lines of your records (way more personal information than you were comfortable with Kallus knowing), and then diagnosing ‘Sleep deprivation. Sprained right wrist. I recommend bed rest for one rotation.’ (You could've guessed that you were sleep deprived, but hadn’t been aware of the sprained wrist. Now that you thought of it, it was kind of hurting. Huh.)</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>You figured it must have been a pretty old model, firstly since it started diagnoses and treatment plans without any prompting, and secondly by the irritating, robotic voice it spoke in.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>‘Alexsandr Kallus.’ Thankfully you were out of the limelight now, ‘Imperial Security Bureau Agent 021. Born Coruscant. Fractured left fibula. Two broken ribs. One fractured rib. Bruised jaw. I recommend one bacta shot and bed rest for one week.’ The med droid wheeled off to a cabinet on the far side of the room, presumably to prepare the bacta shot.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>By the look on his face, it seemed he would rather you hadn’t heard his diagnosis.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>‘Dank farrik, Kallus! Those pilots broke your damn ribs? And your leg? Why haven’t you said anything? They could get in some serious shit for that, you know. And they’d damn well deserve it!’ You were ready to storm out of the med bay and personally give those pilots a taste of their own medicine.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>You weren’t sure why you suddenly felt so protective - it was probably the guilt of knowing that you had allied yourself with them, or at least their opinions, in your head. Kallus wasn’t to be trusted, but that didn’t mean they had to break his damn ribs.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>‘No.’ His voice was soft, and his hand rested gently on your arm in an attempt to calm your wild gesticulating. ‘That wasn’t them.’</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Ok, now this was even more confusing. Obviously he could read it from your face, as he sat heavily on the bed closest to where you stood.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>‘The empire… they- well, they weren’t... impressed, when they found out I was Fulcrum. They don’t take kindly to traitors. The ribs and leg were a parting gift from Thrawn.’</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>You sank into the bed next to him, slightly embarrassed by your outburst but mainly upset about the whole situation.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>‘So…’ you were trying to piece together the timeline in your head, ‘you’ve been walking around on a broken leg for, what is it now, a week? And no one’s noticed? And the A-wing pilots- no don’t even deny it of course it was those self-righteous assholes- the Y-wing pilots beat you up and you couldn’t even defend yourself because you have <i>four damn broken bones?<i>’</i></i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Stars, you hadn’t realised that the ingrained rebel hatred of Imperials would get this bad.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>
          <em>’A fucking week, Kallus?’</em>
        </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>He still wouldn’t meet your eye. ‘Only two broken. Two are fractured.’</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Fucking maker almighty. This is seriously fucked up.’ It wasn’t funny, but you felt the need to laugh all of a sudden.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>The repeated cursing made him let out a small huff of laughter too, and he finally looked up at you, smiling almost apologetically. It was endearing in a way that it probably shouldn’t be. <em>He</em> was endearing.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>
          <em>No don’t think that, idiot. That is not what you should be thinking. It’s a dumb word anyway.</em>
        </i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Alexsandr Kallus. I have prepared the bacta shot.’ The jarring electronic voice suddenly snapped your focus to the med droid - it had wheeled back to you, holding a pretty big needle.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>You could practically feel Kallus’ sudden tension radiating off him in waves, causing you to laugh again.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Don’t tell me big scary Agent Kallus, who can live with broken ribs for a week, is scared of a little needle, huh?’</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>He let out a noise of contention, and was probably about to reply with something rude but was cut off by the med droid wheeling closer.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Alexsandr Kallus. Please remove your shirt.’</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Um- not where you needed your thoughts to be going right now thanks very much.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Kallus was oblivious to your reaction, thankfully, instead focusing on getting as far away from the needle as he could, all while trying (and failing) to make it look natural.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Can’t I just drink it or something?’</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Just take the damn shirt off, Kallus.’ You tried to hide how amusing you were finding this, but it probably wasn’t working. You didn’t really care.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>He looked at you pleadingly, but you weren’t going to relent, especially if it made him so uncomfortable. He had pretty much been backed into a corner by then, and had no choice but to tentatively lift the cotton hem of his standard distribution gray t-shirt over his head.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>It definitely wasn’t what you expected (hoped).</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>What should have been smooth, tanned flesh was marred by large, purple and yellow bruising. You couldn’t help but let out a little gasp, and barely caught your hand in time when it instinctively reached out to touch him.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Reaching above his head must have hurt, as he hissed in pain softly, and he shut his eyes before ordering the droid to ‘Just get it done, quickly.’</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>You barely noticed the needle going into his arm - you couldn’t take your eyes off his chest. It was mesmerising in a morbid way to see his muscles, obviously strong and defined, practically rippling beneath the discoloured skin. You knew that he was physically powerful, much more powerful than most humans, but it was different to see the physical representation of that laid out before you in ab form.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>The shot was done before you knew it, and the med droid was wheeling off to bin the needle. Kallus had opened his eyes, and you quickly turned your head to follow the droid, hoping he hadn’t noticed your staring.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Not so bad, huh?’ you asked, trying to give off the same joking vibe as before.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘No, no, it was definitely bad.’ he replied, but he was smiling. He made to put his shirt on again, but winced with pain before his arms were even above shoulder level.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Do you- I could, um- I could bandage it for you? It might help.’</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Gods, you hoped that didn’t sound as awkward to him as it did to you.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>He looked at you, again making you feel like he was trying to look through you, right into your thoughts. ‘Sure.’</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>You tried to remember your project - gaining his trust was just for a little game you were playing with yourself, not for anything else. But after spending even this short time with him, it was getting harder to remember.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>The droid must have heard, since it returned with a roll of bandages and handed it to you.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Thanks for your help. I guess you can shut down now?’ It came out as more of a question - you were too preoccupied with trying not to look Kallus in the eye as you tried to find the end of the roll.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>You tried to keep as much distance between you as you wrapped the fabric round and round his chest, but it was hard, and when your fingers occasionally slipped from the bandage onto his skin, it was warm, and soft. You could feel Kallus’ breathing on the back of your neck as you reached round him to swap hands - almost a hug, but not quite.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Why did this feel so intimate, with a man you hardly knew?</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>You tucked the end of the bandage into the layers, again brushing your fingertips against his chest, but he jerked away as soon as he could, and quickly got dressed again.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Apparently it was just you feeling this way.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>Your comm flashed twice, snapping your gaze away from his.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i><em>Thank the maker.</em> you thought. You couldn’t take much more of this, whatever it was. Not that it was anything, because it wasn’t. Of course not. But still.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i><em>’Meeting in briefing room 2.</em> Hera’s voice came through the comm, a bit staticky. <em>’That goes for you too, Chopper, don’t ignore me this time.’</em></i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>You avoided looking at Kallus as you quickly got up and practically ran to the door.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>He called your name before you had got through the door though - your first name that he must have learnt from that blasted medical droid, spouting all your private information.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘Thank you.’ His eyes were the most open and honest you had seen them, and you could sense that the gratitude was in earnest.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i>‘I’ll see you around, Alexsandr.’ If he got to use your first name, why couldn’t you use his, right? It felt uncomfortably personal to address him like that though, and you regretted it after you had said it.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
      <i>
        <i><em>Gods, you had to get out of here,</em> you thought, starting down the corridor in entirely the wrong direction.</i>
      </i>
    </i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so i found out in my nightly wookiepedia rabbit hole scrolling that a-wings were only designed after the battle of yavin lol so i've changed that all of the a-wing bits to y-wings, sorry to be confusing ahaha</p><p>anyway there's more kallus in this one (yay), lmk what u think of it in the comments :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You reached the briefing room after everyone else (unfortunate consequence of being completely lost in your own thoughts). The crew of the Ghost were all standing round the table, looking at holographic plans for an Imperial prison.</p><p>They collectively greeted you as you walked in, and you pulled as many of your family as you could reach in for a hug. You felt instantly reassured by their presence and the obvious care for you shown in their faces.</p><p>After the usual small talk, (how are you, we missed you, etc.), you resumed your position in the circle around the desk, and Hera and Sabine explained between them the mission to rescue Sabine’s father from the Imperials occupying Mandalore.</p><p>You were upset that you weren’t going to be a part of the mission - both because you wanted to be there for Sabine and because you loved an opportunity to stick it to some bucketheads. You had hugged everyone goodbye and wished them luck as they left the room, whispering in Zeb’s ear to give them hell for you, but that this mission wouldn’t count towards the tallies that the two of you had going, earning a groan in response.</p><p>But when Kanan called you to stay behind after the briefing, you were reminded of what you were gaining by staying on base - your very own lightsaber!</p><p>It was uncommon for a Jedi not to have their own lightsaber by your age, but after actively suppressing your force sensitivity and abilities for years after the destruction of the temple on Coruscant, it had taken time for you and Kanan to feel that you were ready to face the trials.</p><p>‘Hey, kid. How’re you feeling today?’</p><p>You could feel his curiosity about your trials emanating through the force, but he was doing an admirable job of hiding it.</p><p>‘Better. I- It was hard.’ You suddenly couldn’t get the picture of Kanan wielding a red blade out of your head, and had to squeeze your eyes shut. ‘It was really hard.’</p><p>Kanan took your hand, projecting soothing waves through the force towards you.</p><p>‘I don’t really wanna talk about it right now, Kanan. I need time to meditate on it - I don’t even really understand it to be honest.’</p><p>It was true - when you even thought about your experience, you were suddenly unable to string even two words together to describe what you had seen and felt.</p><p>‘Of course.’</p><p>Ever since you had been invited to join the Ghost crew, you had always been surprised how easy it was to talk to both Kanan, and then Ezra as well after you had picked him up, since more than half the conversation didn’t even need to be said out loud. Now was one of the times where you were especially grateful for the bond you had as Master and Padawan.</p><p>‘Are you gonna be okay to stay here? We shouldn’t be gone long - the plan’s to be in and out before they know we’re there.’</p><p>You let out a huff of laughter. ‘When has anything ever gone according to plan?’</p><p>‘It will this time, I’m sure.’ He didn’t look sure at all, but he wasn’t worried about it. ‘Anyway, you know what you’re doing, right?’</p><p>You nodded eagerly - Kanan had taught you the basics of lightsaber construction at the beginning of your training, and you had sat in on Ezra building his when you could.</p><p>You were sure Kanan could feel the excitement practically oozing out of you, and dismissed you with a wave of his hand.</p><p>‘Go, kid. I know you can’t wait.’ He smiled at you softly, and pushed you by the shoulder towards the door gently.</p><p>‘I’ll see you when you get back. I love you Kanan!’ You didn’t bother to wish him luck (he never needed it anyway), and were out the door before he had a chance to respond.</p><p>---</p><p>It had been just over a week, and you were done. You think. Hopefully.</p><p>You had only blown yourself up once, and you had barely even done any damage, so it didn’t really count, right?</p><p><em>Please don’t explode, please don’t explode</em> You repeated your new mantra as you grasped the pommel in both hands and stretched it out in front of you.</p><p>The noise startled you as you ignited it for the first time - for the past week you had been alternating between meditation and silent construction, and the sound of it slicing through the air was louder than you had been expecting. You were so engrossed in the motion of spinning it round your wrist that you barely noticed when it sliced through your blanket which you had carelessly left on the floor, leaving two smoldering halves.</p><p>Gods, your room was too small for this.</p><p>Giddy with excitement, you quickly retracted the blade and threw on a standard rebellion assigned sweatshirt over your tatty old sleeping shirt. You briefly considered changing out of your shorts into something more decent, but you had worked through the night and it was now before breakfast, so the training room was bound to be empty.</p><p>Of course, it was just your luck that you were completely wrong on that one - as you entered you saw Agent Alexsandr Kallus in the corner laying into a punching bag.</p><p>He didn’t notice you as you entered, giving you a chance to look him over. He looked as though he had healed from his various injuries - his weight was now equally distributed and he was no longer favouring one side of his chest. You found your eyes lingering on the way that his t-shirt clung slightly to his chest, and the few locks of hair that were plastered to his neck by sweat. Not to mention the way that the short sleeves left his muscles completely exposed to your gaze.</p><p>
  <em>Snap out of it!</em>
</p><p>You cleared your throat, both to refocus your thoughts and to make yourself known.</p><p>‘You’re up early.’ You broke the silence first, moving into the middle of the floor. It was cold against your bare feet. ‘Couldn’t sleep?’</p><p>‘Hmm.’ He had steadied the bag and begun unwrapping his hands. His knuckles were red under the bandages, he must have been here a while already.</p><p>All at once, you were reminded of the last time you had seen him, and the position you had put yourself in. You could feel the ghost of his breath on your neck, and the burning heat of his chest on your fingertips where you had brushed against him.</p><p>Gods, now you felt awkward.</p><p>Instead of continuing a conversation that he didn’t seem to want to have, you readied your stance and began running through Form I with your new saber. The crackling energy sounded out of place in the quiet room, and the green light of the blade flashed off the metal walls.</p><p>‘New blade?’ He had unhooked the punching bag and replaced it in the cupboard at the side of the room without you noticing, and was now standing with his back against the wall watching you.</p><p>You twirled it absentmindedly, ‘Yeah. It’s pretty, huh?’</p><p>‘It is. Suits you.’</p><p>Was that a compliment? You weren’t sure.</p><p>‘Wanna go a round? I’m sure we’ve got a beskar staff somewhere round here you could use.’</p><p>No better practice than real practice, right? It totally wasn’t because you wanted an excuse for him not to leave. And anyway, you had briefly seen Kallus in action a few years ago on Lothal - if that was anything to go by he would be a decent enough partner.</p><p>‘Sure.’ He placed the neatly rolled bandage in the corner, as you began rummaging through the spear cupboard.</p><p>It wasn’t hard to find the beskar - it stood out amongst its wooden and steel counterparts. You tapped it lightly against the wall, admiring the resounding clang it made at the contact.</p><p>You weren’t quite sure how the rebels had managed to acquire it - you knew that beskar was rare and guarded fiercely by the Mandalorians. But if it gave you a chance to practice combat with someone that wasn’t Ezra or Kanan, you certainly weren’t complaining.</p><p>You threw the staff over to Kallus, and quickly ran through the forms in your head.</p><p>Though it was the preferred form of blade to blade (or staff) combat, Form II was probably too static for you to get an advantage against Kallus. III was too focused on defense - that wouldn’t help in a duel. And there was no way that you would win on strength - that ruled out Form V. That left IV and VI.</p><p>You were startled out of your thoughts by a lunge from Kallus. Even with your saber in your non-dominant left hand, the block came instinctively to you, and as he held the contact for a moment you managed to plant your feet more securely.</p><p>The next few contacts were simple, opening slashes from him as he familiarised himself with the weight and balance of the staff.</p><p>You settled on using form VI - the combined attacks of your lightsaber and the force would be indefensible for Kallus.</p><p>He was spurred on by his apparent initial victory, landing constant blows on your defensive stance, and you could tell that his plan was to tire you out with his constant volley until he could disarm you. You could see the ghosts of a smirk beginning to grace his features, and your lightsaber fizzled as it clashed against the beskar.</p><p>He had backed you almost against the wall, but a perfectly timed jump enabled you to gain a leg up on his spear, and then push off against the wall, to flip gracefully over his head. You landed with your saber lined up against his throat before he even had a chance to process the motion.</p><p>But Kallus wasn’t to be bested for long - he deflected your blade as he spun around, and immediately resumed his attack.</p><p>You were expecting it this time, however. Though his fighting technique was more polished than that taught by the Imperial Academy, you could see the foundations of his footwork came from their Further Combat: Use of Blades/Spears class (Sabine had stumbled across lesson plans for all of their combat classes a few years ago, and analyses of their fighting had been incorporated into the mandatory rebel combat classes).</p><p>He relied primarily on his weight to provide balance, and advanced where he could with purpose. You jumped on the weakness, channeling the force through your dominant right hand to block the staff, and sweeping your saber low in an attempt to catch his feet even as he jumped over it.</p><p>The move had startled him, but he was quick to return with a slash that nearly knocked the lightsaber out of your hand. You were back in the centre of the room, and with neither of you willing to expose yourselves by making the first attack move, you had resorted to slow circling.</p><p>Kallus had proved to be an even better partner than you were expecting, and you realised that you would have to adapt your form to catch him off guard.</p><p>‘You tired yet? You can always yield if you want.’ He spoke in a light, teasing tone rather than the almost Imperial quality voice that you heard from him before. His eyes were shining, and you could tell that he felt completely at home when in a competition like this.</p><p>Form VI was the least physically exerting, so you weren’t lying when you replied with ‘I could do this all day,’ with a smirk.</p><p>He was eyeing the hilt of your saber as you spoke, and you didn’t need the force to be able to anticipate his next strike. Instead of a block, which would have been easy enough, you lightly tossed the saber in a spin behind you to your right hand, leaving your left hand free to grasp the beskar before it could hit the back of your palm.</p><p>The metal was warm from where it had been heated by your lightsaber, but it didn’t deter you.</p><p>‘Is that your plan? To try to disarm me by… pulling it out of my hand?’ He looked at you with an expression between humour and contention. Granted, if that was your plan it would have been a stupid one. But it wasn’t.</p><p>The imbalance of your weight on the end of the staff had caused Kallus to almost imperceptibly shift his hand position from the direct centre - such a tiny movement that he probably didn’t notice himself.</p><p>You continued to tug lightly on the beskar, causing his grip to shift more and more towards the other end.</p><p>In one fluid motion, you released the staff and used the momentum to cartwheel on one hand past him, slashing with your saber as you went.</p><p>As you had expected, his block was unbalanced. You reinforced your next attacking stroke with the force, and the power of it against his already impaired defensive stance caused the spear to fly out of his hand, and clash against the wall.</p><p>You took your time steadying yourself after the exertion, and raised your saber at arms length to hover beside his exposed and vulnerable neck.</p><p>Even though he had just lost, Agent Kallus was smiling softly at you as your eyes met.</p><p>Under his gaze, you suddenly became hyper-aware of your physicality - the floor was painfully cold against your feet, and your heavy breathing seemed amplified, as though it was the only sound in the world.</p><p>Kallus averted his eyes, and you felt your consciousness slowly return to its normal state. He raised his hands in a gesture of surrender, and you returned his smile as you retracted the glowing blade.</p><p>Now that you were out of combat mode, you opened your perception of the force to outside the bubble you had created between you and Kallus. To your surprise, you noticed that your fight had drawn a small crowd in and around the door - people on their way to or from the mess hall had obviously come to watch.</p><p>You were slightly embarrassed by the attention, and gave a quick wave in response to the scattered applause. You turned back to your fight partner - from the look on his face, he hadn’t been aware of the gathering either.</p><p>‘You put up a decent fight, Agent Kallus. Rematch sometime?’</p><p>You offered him your empty hand to shake, which he did. His grip was strong, and rather than being put-off or offended by you referring to him by his ISB rank, he seemed almost amused.</p><p>‘Just Kallus. Or… you could call me Alexsandr?’ Despite being at least a head taller than you (a fact that you were painfully aware of due to your proximity), he looked almost small as he spoke.</p><p>‘Well, <em>Alexsandr</em>, you didn’t answer my question.’</p><p>Gods, you loved the way your name rolled off his tongue like that, even when he said it in the same teasing tone you had used with him.</p><p>‘I’d love to.’</p><p>The butterflies in your stomach were solely because you had beat him.</p><p>Nothing else.</p><p>Thankfully, you were pulled out of your thoughts by someone approaching. You didn’t recognise his face, but judging by Kallus’ immediate tensing beside you, it was someone who hadn’t been particularly welcoming to the ex-Imperial.</p><p>He stuck his hand out to shake. Already, you weren’t impressed by his attitude - you could feel his contempt for Kallus both through the force and the way he addressed only you.</p><p>‘Captain Jon Vander - leader of Gold Squadron.’ Aha. The Y-wings. ‘Pretty good fight, Jedi. You made me five credits, you know.’</p><p>You weren’t particularly interested in acquainting yourself with the man who had targeted Kallus (no matter whether you had agreed with the sentiment at the time), and pointedly ignored his hand hovering between you until he dropped it.</p><p>It didn’t discourage him though. ‘It’s a shame to see such a beautiful girl like you having to be around an <em>Imperial</em>.’ He looked derisively at Kallus for the first time, who was awkwardly picking at the growing bruises on his knuckles. ‘Let me buy you a drink some time, darling.’</p><p>You had lived in the underworld of Coruscant for years, followed by the streets of Lothal - your ‘I will kill you where you stand and feel no remorse’ face was perfected.</p><p>‘I’m not your <em>darling</em>, Captain.’ You twirled the hilt of your lightsaber around your hand a few times in a not-so-subtle attempt to remind him that his death could be instantaneous if you so wished. ‘And I’d rather stick with the Imperial, thanks.’</p><p>Thankfully, Captain Jon Vander of Gold Squadron got the message and muttered a quiet ‘fine’ and slunk off, but not before shooting one last dirty look at Kallus.</p><p>You bent over at the waist to pick up the beskar spear by one end and offered the other to Kallus.</p><p>‘Wanna go again? That fucking <em>Captain</em>’s got me in a bit of a mood.’</p><p>He was looking at you in shock, but quickly shook it off when you had turned to face him.</p><p>‘I- yeah.’ He took the spear from you and readied his stance. ‘You didn’t have to, you know.’ He said it as an afterthought.</p><p>‘I didn’t have to what?’</p><p>You weren’t actually fighting, more like running through forms together.</p><p>‘Say that.’</p><p><em>Not a man of many words, this one.</em> you thought to yourself.</p><p>‘Kallus, I really have no idea what you’re getting at.’</p><p>‘I just- you could have gone with him if you wanted. Let him buy you a drink or whatever.’</p><p>You nearly missed the next block.</p><p>‘And why would I do that?’</p><p>‘He- well, he’s an attractive man, isn’t he? Why wouldn’t you?’</p><p>Your movements were speeding up now, and you almost felt as if you were dancing with your light footwork.</p><p>‘Uh, I think the question is <em>why would I</em>? That’s one of the guys that jumped you right?’</p><p>He nodded sheepishly.</p><p>‘And why would I want to let someone who attacks injured people buy me a drink?’</p><p>‘I- I don’t know. But he’s right - I’m probably the most hated person on this planet.’</p><p>‘You obviously haven’t met Faulken Vex yet. You’re only the second most hated person.’</p><p>He allowed himself a small huff of laughter, but didn’t press the issue further.</p><p>You continued your almost lazy attack in silence for a few minutes until his back was pressed against the far wall, then retracted your saber and stepped back.</p><p>‘He’s an arse, Kallus. You’re not. And anyway, I don’t say yes to dates before breakfast.’</p><p>He smiled, shaking his head, and placed the beskar into your outstretched hand for you to put back into the cupboard.</p><p>He only responded once your back was turned.</p><p>‘I’ll keep that in mind.’</p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>You were <em>not</em> expecting that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>to be honest i'm not really a fan of this chapter but i wanted to get it out as soon as possible :/ i also didn't want to make it too long or repetitive so here u go lol</p><p>next one should be done within a few days and its def gonna be better :)</p><p>as always kudos + comments are much appreciated!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>‘He’s an arse, Kallus. You’re not. And anyway, I don’t say yes to dates before breakfast.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled, shaking his head, and placed the beskar into your outstretched hand for you to put back into the cupboard.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He only responded once your back was turned.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘I’ll keep that in mind.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You weren’t expecting that.</em>
</p><p>---</p><p>By the time you processed what he had said, it had been too long and any response that you gave would have just made it more awkward. Instead you opted to stay silent while he bent to retrieve the bandages that he had put in the corner earlier, pretending to fiddle with your lightsaber hilt in order to give your fingers something to do. It probably didn't mean what you had first thought, anyway. Right?</p><p>When Kallus turned to face you again, you managed to rearrange your features into a neutral expression, trying to hide the inner turmoil that his five little words had created in you.</p><p>‘Wanna go get something to eat? I’m starving.’</p><p>Your eating habits hadn’t been particularly regular while you were holed up in your room the past week, and your stomach was definitely suffering for it.</p><p>He nodded silently, and together you made your way towards the mess hall.</p><p>When you arrived, you were greeted by an unexpected sight - the Ghost had returned!</p><p>Ezra, Sabine, and Zeb were sitting at a table together, and you bounded over to greet them.</p><p>‘When did you guys get back?’ Standing behind Ezra, you couldn’t resist the urge to ruffle his hair, earning you a slap.</p><p>‘Not long ago. Mum and Dad are talking to Sato.’</p><p>It was a running joke between the ‘kids’ of the Ghost to refer to Kanan and Hera as your parents - they both acted as though it was a ridiculous joke but never seemed to realise that the majority of their behaviour towards you was quintessential parenting behaviour (despite a pretty much negligible age difference between most of you).</p><p>You told them you’d be back in a few, then went to grab a roll from the counter. Kallus had made his way through the tables to the counter as well, and you realised that you had pretty much just ditched him for your friends.</p><p>‘Kallus,’ you tapped him on the shoulder lightly, ‘Come sit with us.’</p><p>He masked his surprise well, but you could tell that he hadn’t been expecting your offer.</p><p>‘They won’t mind?’</p><p>‘Why would they?’</p><p>He couldn’t seem to think of an answer to that, so you rolled your eyes at him and led the way back.</p><p>The reunion was short lived though - within a few minutes of small talk Ezra’s comm flashed three times, and Kanan’s distorted voice came through the speaker.</p><p>‘Hey kids, can you come to the Ghost for a minute? I know we said you’d get time off but it’ll just take a minute.’ You could hear annoyed sounding beeps from Chopper, but couldn’t be bothered to try to translate them. ‘Yes, you too Chopper. And I know you’re not busy, don’t lie.’</p><p>Ezra rolled his eyes (he never was one for interrupted meals), and sent Kanan back a short ‘Yeah, one minute.’</p><p>You assumed that it applied to you too, even though you didn’t have your comm on you, so the four of you said a quick goodbye to Kallus and set off in the direction of the hangar.</p><p>On the way over, Sabine and Zeb were engrossed in a fight you weren’t paying attention to (you vaguely remembered hearing something about puffer pigs?), giving you an opportunity to proudly show Ezra your new lightsaber.</p><p>It was much more traditional than his first blaster/lightsaber combination, being more similar in style to Kanan’s, but he seemed pretty impressed all the same.</p><p>‘Have you used it yet? I bet I’d still beat you.’</p><p>You shoved him lightly, ‘Yeah, I sparred with Kallus this morning. And there is no way you will <em>ever</em> beat me, <em>kid</em>.’</p><p>He had told you in one of his regular rants that he hated when Kanan called him ‘kid’, and from then on you had of course used it whenever you could.</p><p>He went to shove you back, but just at that moment you saw Kanan emerge from the cargo bay of the Ghost halfway across the hangar. Ezra obviously clocked at the same time, and instead of a shove, gave you back your lightsaber (admittedly more forcefully that necessary).</p><p>Kanan looked pleased to see you, and immediately noted the new lightsaber hilt in your hand.</p><p>‘You’re finished already?’</p><p>You proudly handed it over to him, and he turned it over in his hands a few times, before extending his arm and igniting it.</p><p>‘Good work, kid.’</p><p>He didn’t say it, but you could see in his eyes that he was proud of you.</p><p>Before you had a chance to discuss your ideas for an updated training plan, Hera came down the ramp of the Ghost.</p><p>‘Hey, guys. I just wanted to let you know what Sato said in the briefing - we’re gonna be grounded here for a bit while they work out the long-term plan.’</p><p>Zeb groaned at that, but shut up quickly at Hera’s look.</p><p>‘Now that Phoenix Squadron has pretty much merged with Dodonna’s rebels, there’s talk of a more united rebellion. Make the most of your time off, it might be the last bit you get for a while. That’s all I wanted to say, sorry for interrupting your breakfast.’</p><p>You had never much minded time off from missions, it meant that you had more time for training. Kanan had apparently had the same thought - he held you and Ezra back while the others dispersed.</p><p>‘I want to use this time to work on your force abilities. I know that your combat training is coming on nicely,’ Ezra opened his mouth to butt in but Kanan silenced him with a wave of his hand, ‘I’ll meet you here after lunch to start training, is that okay?’</p><p>You both nodded.</p><p>‘Good. In the meantime, you can clean out the air vents.’</p><p>From the smug look on his face, you’d bet ten credits that Hera had told him to do it and he didn’t want to, so he was palming it off on you.</p><p>Ezra waved his hand in front of Kanan’s face - ‘You don’t want to make me clean the air vents. You want to do it yourself.’ A weak, but amusing, attempt at a Jedi mind trick.</p><p>‘Not working, kid. Keep trying.’</p><p>Kanan clapped you both on the shoulders, and walked off without another word.</p><p>
  <em>Ugh.</em>
</p><p>Oh well, at least it gave you time to talk to Ezra - you hoped that by telling him the story of what had happened with Kallus you might be able to understand it a bit more yourself.</p><p>---</p><p>‘So what you’re saying is, you have a crush on Kallus?’</p><p>You could tell that he was trying really hard not to make fun of you right now, but admittedly if you were in his position you probably wouldn’t be able to help yourself.</p><p>‘Are you even <em>listening</em> blueberry head?! No! Of course not! It’s not my fault he’s so... ‘ You couldn’t find the word. ‘He’s a nice guy, okay?’</p><p>‘He tried to kill me. More than once.’</p><p>‘That’s not the point.’</p><p>‘<em>What do you mean that’s not the point?</em>’</p><p>‘I mean <em>it’s not the point</em>. The point <em>is</em>, he has, like, no other friends apart from Zeb, and I feel bad for him. And if he’s… not so bad on the eyes, that’s not my fault, right?’</p><p>‘No. He’s literally evil. And what do you mean, <em>not so bad on the eyes</em>, he has <em>sideburns</em>.’</p><p>Somehow, you felt that the fact that you were squeezed into separate vents halfway across the ship from Ezra really added to the conversation, even though it meant that you weren’t able to whack him. Which you really wanted to do right about now.</p><p>‘Yeah, fair point. But like… you can’t deny it. He’s fit.’</p><p>‘Oh, no, I absolutely <em>can</em> deny it. Oh also, did I mention, <em>he literally tried to kill me!</em>’</p><p>You huffed, resolving to really give him a bashing when you finally got out the vents.</p><p>‘You’re so unhelpful.’</p><p>‘You love me anyway.’ You couldn’t see him, but you could picture that annoying smile on his face all the same.</p><p>‘Do I, though?’</p><p>---</p><p>Force abilities training with Kanan was much more exhausting than you had been expecting, even though you were only trying to levitate rocks.</p><p>(You totally didn’t drop that rock on Ezra on purpose. It was a complete accident.)</p><p>(You were willing to admit that the second one you dropped on him wasn’t so much of an accident, though.)</p><p>By the time you sat down for dinner, you were thoroughly worn out, to the extent that you could barely be bothered to complain about the tasteless meat that they were serving today.</p><p>‘So I found out this morning that Dodonna doesn’t do mandatory basic combat classes.’ Kanan managed to bring it up naturally, but you could already see where it was going. ‘I was wondering if you’d be interested in helping out.’</p><p>‘When you say “helping out”...’</p><p>‘Yes, I mean scheduling and teaching some classes.’</p><p>You didn’t mind teaching some mechanics and strategists how to throw a punch, but paperwork and administration was where you drew the line, and after a particularly long day of following Kanan’s orders you weren’t afraid to let him know that you would rather turn yourself into the Empire than do any Maker-forsaken <em>paperwork</em>. (It still counted as paperwork even if it was a holographic, no matter what Ezra tried to argue.)</p><p>Thankfully, he relented and instead gave the job to Chopper, who complained just as much as you did.</p><p>Since he was a droid, though, threats were much more readily available and also more likely to work on him - you had made a list of your favourites you’d heard over the years, and ‘Chopper, if you don’t just do this <em>one</em> thing I’m going to replace your relay circuits with mashed potatoes’ was definitely going to be added.</p><p>After being subjected to lots of complaining, and even a few electric shocks, from Chopper, your first class was scheduled for first thing tomorrow morning, with a group of medics.</p><p>Unfortunately for the rest of the Ghost crew, Chopper was now in a particularly foul mood, and your first night reunited as a family ended with Zeb and Ezra chasing the droid deep into the forest and getting lost. No change there, then...</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so this is a bit of a useless chapter and nothing actually happens in it lol but i had fun writing it so eh</p><p>also i was wondering would you guys be interested in a chapter from kallus' pov? it would probably be a bit later on but like im curious what u think</p><p>thank u for the comments + kudos, i really appreciate them!! lots of love to u all and i hope u enjoy this! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You were alone. You were standing in a hallway that was carpeted in the centre and framed on the left side by massive windows, but when you tried to look out of them there was no scenery. The image of the hallway itself was off as well - it was as though it was covered in a silvery sheen, and the walls seemed to ripple slightly at times.</p><p>The faint sound of children playing reached you, and you decided to follow it.</p><p>The wall to your right was periodically broken up by imposing doorways, and you tried to open each as you passed but none of the handles would turn.</p><p>The sounds of laughter were getting louder, you must be getting closer. You tried to look behind you to see how far you had come, but there was no way of distinguishing one section from the next - it was as though the hallway went on forever. Now that you thought about it, it stretched forwards farther than you could see as well.</p><p>You tried to feel around you and into each locked room with the force, but it was as though you were in a bubble. You could sense nothing, not even the source of the playful laughter.</p><p>You were running now, having given up on trying any more of the doors to your right. But no matter how hard your bare feet hit the carpeted floor, they would not make a sound, or at least not one you could hear.</p><p>You must be nearing the source of the sound now. You felt that you had been running for an hour, but that wouldn’t be possible, right? You didn’t know.</p><p>The noise was deafening, but you barely noticed because of how gradually the volume had been increasing. You couldn’t escape it, and the more you tried to shut it out of your mind the louder it seemed to become.</p><p>It didn’t sound so much like playing anymore - the joyful screams of exuberant children had been filtered out and replaced, almost imperceptibly, with screams that pierced your very soul. They were screams of terror - the like you had only ever heard once before.</p><p>Suddenly you realised why this hallway had at first seemed familiar.</p><p>You dropped to your knees in the middle of the corridor.</p><p>The lighting changed, as if prompted by your realisation. It had previously been bright, as though the daylight streamed through the impossible windows, but now the hallway was shrouded in darkness, and you noticed the rain that was now falling onto the windows on your left.</p><p>The overlapping screams were joined by the sounds of blaster fire and lightsabers slicing through the air.</p><p>Flashes of lightning illuminated the hallway, and what was once an endless expanse was now finite - you could see the familiar corner ahead of you. You knew where it led.</p><p>There was no other option than to follow the path set before you, much as you wished you didn’t have to.</p><p>But when you turned the corner, you were met with an unfamiliar sight - yourself. Well, the youngling version of yourself.</p><p>You stood, as though paralysed, watching your younger self wield the training saber clumsily against the onslaught of fire.</p><p>You don’t remember ever being so young - in your albeit fragmentary memories of this night, the weight of the situation must have made you feel years ahead of yourself.</p><p>Your limbs were frozen in place, and you had to watch. <em>Again.</em> As your friends dropped like flies all around you. The smell of burning flesh was one that you wished you would forget, but even after all of these years never did.</p><p>Eventually, the pair of clones that had been shooting at you had eliminated all of their targets but your younger self.</p><p>You had been surrounded by the dead bodies of your friends, and now you were again.</p><p>Of course, you had been aware of the war that was waging on planets throughout the galaxy, but at your age you had no idea of the gravity of it until you had felt the hopelessness that you felt in that moment.</p><p>Reliving this moment through both memories from your younger self and through this new perspective you had been forced into was painful, and confusing.</p><p>You knew what would happen before it did - the clones would stop firing and advance towards you now. They’d make some comment that you had been too terrified to hear in the moment.</p><p>‘How could such a young child be a traitor to the Republic?’</p><p>Yes, that was it. You could recall hearing it now.</p><p>‘Dunno. But we’ve gotta carry out the order.’</p><p>Your current self watched as the little girl in front of you swung the lightsaber ineffectually at their shins. It was a training saber - the energy was enough to burn skin, but had no chance against clone armour.</p><p>You couldn’t take this anymore - you shut your eyes as tight as you could. All of a sudden, your limbs were your own again, you were unfrozen.</p><p>Resisting the urge to run in the same way that you did all those years ago, you went to take a step. But when you opened your eyes again, the scene had changed.</p><p>It was silent.</p><p>The clones had gone - that was the first thing that you noticed.</p><p>The second was that your line of vision had changed. You were in the moment as you remembered it - rather than an onlooker in your current body your consciousness was back into your child body.</p><p>The switch was unsettling, and you stumbled backwards until your feet hit something and forced you to steady yourself.</p><p>You knew what it was you had bumped into before you even looked back.</p><p>A Twi’lek child (although he didn’t look as child-like from the perspective of a youngling, as you now were), lay on his back. His eyes were glazed over. There were a couple of smouldering holes in his robes, revealing the sizzling flesh underneath.</p><p>His name was Tanr’aya. He had been your friend.</p><p>For the second time today, you dropped to your knees, and again you pressed the heels of your palms into your eyes, hoping to remove the images from your mind.</p><p>But this time, when you opened your eyes there was no change. You were stuck here, and you could feel your breathing beginning to spiral out of control. Everywhere you looked, there was death.</p><p>When you looked down at your hands, they were covered in blood. You didn’t know whose.</p><p>You tried to wipe it off, but the more you tried to be rid of it the more seemed to appear. It was gushing out of your palms, until you were kneeling in a pool of it.</p><p>You couldn’t hold in your screams anymore, but you feared that when you opened your mouth you would vomit.</p><p>Your clothes were soaked in crimson, you couldn’t escape it. Gods, why couldn’t you have died with the others?</p><p>---</p><p>You woke covered in sweat, and scrambled out of bed, still trying to get the blood off your hands.</p><p>But there wasn’t any - your surroundings seemed to rush into you. You weren’t on Coruscant.</p><p>It was a dream.</p><p>Your breathing was still unsteady, but you were reassured when you felt the soothing presence of other people around you through the force. You were on Yavin.</p><p>You remembered now the years that had passed between now and then. You weren’t in a child’s body anymore, you were yourself.</p><p>But it had felt so <em>real</em>.</p><p>Gods, you couldn’t stay in this stuffy room any longer - you had to get out.</p><p>You threw the closest item of clothing on top of your sweat soaked sleeping clothes - an oversized grey sweatshirt that you had taken from the communal clothing store.</p><p>The unforgiving lighting of the metal panelled hallway helped to bring your mind back to reality. You didn’t know what time it was, but the base was empty so it must have been the middle of the night.</p><p>There was no point trying to get back to sleep now, you thought. It wasn’t worth it if it meant having to go through that again.</p><p>You realised that you had been walking aimlessly, but now made for the hangar in order to get out, get some fresh air.</p><p>You were reassured by the soft padding of your feet against the cold floor. The sound in the otherwise silent base grounded you, in a way that you couldn’t in your dream.</p><p>Finally, you escaped the confines of inside. The stars were bright, and you could make out another of Yavin’s moons in the sky above you.</p><p>You weren’t sure if you were technically allowed to climb on top of the pyramid like structure, but it gave you something to do other than descend into the vortex of your own thoughts.</p><p>Halfway up the temple, you were greeted with an unexpected sight.</p><p>Someone else had obviously had the same idea as you - you couldn’t make out any features from the distance you were at, but there was undoubtedly a person sat atop a step of the building.</p><p>As you neared whoever it was, you reached out with the force. From what you could tell, they were in the same state as you - unwilling to sleep because of what they would encounter in their dreams.</p><p>Of course, you realised belatedly, it would be Kallus. Not that you minded particularly, but he always seemed to be there when you were trying to get away from people.</p><p>‘Can’t sleep?’ He looked up at you as you approached him, now on the same level as he was.</p><p>He was hugging his knees, and wrapped in a thin blanket.</p><p>‘No. You?’ You assumed that by initiating conversation he had inadvertently given you permission to join him, so you sat with your feet hanging off the edge.</p><p>‘No.’</p><p>Although you had thought you wanted to avoid anyone’s company, it was actually nice to have him beside you. The two of you sat in silence for a while, and you were reassured by his presence to the point that your hands finally stopped shaking.</p><p>You were the one to initiate conversation this time, turning to face him. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’</p><p>He turned his head towards you, but didn’t relax his tense posture. ‘Not particularly. Just… bad dreams.’ He paused. ‘Do you? Want to talk, I mean.’</p><p>‘I don’t know. I don’t think so.’</p><p>He hummed in acknowledgement.</p><p>‘You know, you can see Coruscant from here.’ He was looking out at the stars again rather than at you.</p><p>‘No, I didn’t know.’</p><p>It seemed fitting that he would bring it up after the dream that you had had.</p><p>‘Yeah.’ He pointed. ‘There. Just to the left of Yavin 2. It looks like a star, but it’s not.’</p><p>‘I think I see it.’</p><p>‘That used to be my home.’</p><p>‘Me too.’</p><p>‘Do you miss it?’</p><p>Gods, if only he knew how much you missed your life there. But he didn’t - so you replied with, ‘Yeah. Do you?’</p><p>‘I don’t miss the planet. But I had family there. I miss them.’</p><p>You hummed in acknowledgement. You missed the family that you had on Coruscant, but you couldn’t really tell him that without bringing up a load of stuff that you didn’t want to talk about.</p><p>‘Are you cold?’ You hadn’t noticed the movement, but he had unwrapped his blanket and shifted it across his shoulders to be able to offer you half.</p><p>You hadn’t really noticed the temperature before, but the nights on Yavin 4 were colder than you were comfortable with, and you would be grateful to be under a blanket sharing body heat.</p><p>WIthout really thinking, you schooched closer to him to be able to accept it. Your thighs were touching now, and you were all of a sudden painfully aware of the proximity.</p><p>But he didn’t seem to notice, so you put it out of your head. Which wasn’t particularly hard - you were still preoccupied with thinking about your dream.</p><p>And so you sat together, both in your own worlds, until the closest star began to rise above the horizon.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>aaaaaaaa i'm sorry this took so long ://</p><p>also is a fanfiction really a fanfiction without an unnecessary love triangle? i think not. </p><p>as always, comments and kudos are appreciated! hope you enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You rose shortly after the star’s light began illuminating the treetops - you were aware that you didn’t know the time, and whilst dawn came early on Yavin 4 you didn’t want to be late to your first lesson.</p><p>You didn’t thank Kallus verbally both for sharing his blanket and for the company, but the look that you exchanged as you got up told you that he already knew.</p><p>‘I gotta go,’ you broke the silence for the first time in what was probably over an hour, ‘I’m supposed to be teaching some medics hand to hand at 8, and I’ve probably got stuff to do before.’</p><p>It was stupid - you felt an inexplicable connection to Kallus, and you were able to convey deep emotions with one look, and yet you still felt like you had to explain yourself to him. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to have the same thought process as you, and reached for your hand to pull him up to standing as well.</p><p>His skin was warm against yours, and despite the callouses created by years of combat, his palm was smooth. The contact was over before you knew it, though, and you were embarrassed by how affected you had been by such a small gesture.</p><p>‘I should probably get back as well.’</p><p>He sounded almost upset to leave the little bubble that the two of you had created, and you felt the same.</p><p>Life seemed so much simpler when you could just sit still and look up at the stars.</p><p>The climb down the side of the building was quick - the rocks crumbled a few times in your hands, but it was much easier navigating the steep surface in the light of day. More than once, you considered stopping and just spending the day up here by yourself instead of having to face Kanan - he would at once be able to tell that you had another dream and you couldn’t bear to face that look he would give you. He loved you, you didn’t doubt it, and any pity he had for you came from worry - but still, pity wouldn’t bring them back.</p><p>Neither you nor Kallus bothered saying goodbye when you parted ways in the hangar, both heading for your respective rooms.</p><p>When you got there, the clock on your drawers told you that it was only 6.40, so you took your time in the shower. Letting the hot water run over, you tried to visualise it washing off the blood that you had dreamed covered you, as though the image of it running down into the drain would rid you of the thoughts and memories.</p><p>It didn’t though, and you walked to the mess hall still plagued by the images in your head that you couldn’t quiet, but it was worth a try.</p><p>Thankfully, you didn’t have to face either Kanan or Ezra at breakfast, and you were able to sit down without worrying about having someone probing into your thoughts. Instead, you were joined by Zeb, who appeared with his usual morning grumpiness.</p><p>He whacked you on the head (probably harder than he intended to) as he sat down - it was a pretty normal form of greeting between the Ghost ‘kids’, and the familiarity of the gesture made you laugh slightly. You needed this kind of interaction, you thought.</p><p>‘Good morning to you too, Zeb. I slept great, thanks for asking.’ You played it off as a joke, something you had done many times before.</p><p>‘Don’t care. You know they said they ran out of eggs. <em>Eggs.</em> How hard can it be to get enough eggs? They should get some more birds.’</p><p>The affronted look on his face made you laugh properly this time. You hadn’t bothered to look at the counter when you had come in, but seeing the steaming load of food on Zeb’s plate made your stomach rumble (you had been up a good few hours without eating anything), so you pinched a triangular half of a slice of toast from atop his stack.</p><p>‘Haven’t seen you in a while.’ He couldn’t get a proper full sentence out between his massive bites, but you didn’t mind.</p><p>‘Yeah. I had that mission, and then you guys went to Mandalore. How’ve you been?’</p><p>‘I swear, if Ezra snores one more time on the Ghost I’m gonna chuck him out the airlock. You?’</p><p>That was as much of an answer you were going to get out of him, but if he didn’t have anything more important to complain about you assumed that meant that he was good.</p><p>‘Yeah, not bad.’ you replied, taking another bit of his toast. ‘I’ve been spending time with your friend, you know.’</p><p>You weren’t quite sure why you wanted to bring up Kallus - yes, you were curious and wanted to know what (if anything) he had said about you, but it was doubtful whether you would get any answers of importance out of the Lasat.</p><p>‘Who?’ Thankfully, he was too busy eating to notice your not-so-subtle change of topic, or to read into it at all.</p><p>‘Agent Kallus.’</p><p>‘Oh, him.’</p><p>‘Have you talked to him recently?’</p><p>‘Nah. Why, he told you he misses me?’</p><p>You both laughed at his silly joke.</p><p>‘Zeb, trust me, we don’t miss you when you’re gone.’ Your relationship with Zeb was such that it would pretty much be an insult if you <em>weren’t</em> rude to each other at every possible opportunity. ‘No, I’m just being nosy.’</p><p>‘What, you wanna know what he thinks about you?’</p><p>Maybe you were more obvious than you thought. ‘No, I just-’</p><p>He poked you.</p><p>‘Okay fine, yes, I wanna know.’</p><p>‘Why? Karabast, you don’t <em>like</em> him, do you?’</p><p>‘What, you want him all to yourself or something?’</p><p>You were still trying to convince yourself that you didn’t. After all, the Jedi Code forbade attachments and especially relationships, and you weren’t willing to jeopardise your future as a Padawan just for one man who you barely even knew anyway.</p><p>Well, the Code didn’t <em>specifically forbid</em> relationships… But you weren’t looking for loopholes - now, or ever.</p><p>Zeb laughed and swatted vaguely in your direction with the toast he was holding.</p><p>‘I’ll ask him if I see him.’ Thankfully, he didn’t push the issue anymore.</p><p>You chattered aimlessly for a few more minutes, before you decided to head over to the training room and prepare yourself for teaching.</p><p>Of <em>course</em>, Kallus was already there when you arrived. Gods, it was like the galaxy was working against you in your attempts to distance yourself from him for a bit to be able to think about what it was you were feeling.</p><p>He had obviously showered since you had left each other in the hangar - his hair was hanging in his face in damp locks, and he had changed into his usual mustard coloured t-shirt and black trousers. His jacket was discarded on the floor in the corner as he threw punches at the bag hanging from the ceiling.</p><p>He hadn’t noticed when you had first entered the room, but turned around when you called ‘Good morning’ over to him.</p><p>He was slightly out of breath, and his face was flushed from the exertion. ‘Sorry, you probably need the room for your medics, right?’</p><p>He had remembered.</p><p>That shouldn’t make you feel the way it did - of course he did, you had only told him a few hours ago. Gods, you were being stupid.</p><p>‘No, no, you can stay. I doubt we’ll do much today anyway.’</p><p>‘Do you need help?’ You had begun dragging mats out of the cupboard and laying them haphazardly on the floor.</p><p>‘Yeah, sure. You know, if you don’t have anything else to do you could stick around to help me teach?’ You were only asking because he was another pair of skilled hands. It would make your job easier. No other reason.</p><p>He looked somewhat surprised to have been asked, but not displeased. ‘Sure.’</p><p>At that moment, the first few of your students began filing into the room - you were always amused by how awkward and out of place some people looked in a training room, surrounded by weapons and equipment. The medics today were no exception, and their discomfort seemed to have been amplified by Kallus’ presence.</p><p>You didn’t blame them - his sheer strength and physical power was evident in his musculature, and his infamous Imperial history unfortunately contributed to the somewhat negative public opinion of him. The medics were probably too preoccupied to notice, but you could tell that despite his stature (feet planted and arms crossed over his chest), he was feeling almost as uncomfortable in this situation as they were.</p><p>You nodded to the medics in acknowledgement of their presence, before walking the few steps to be beside Kallus.</p><p>‘So I was thinking we could do a quick demonstration of some defense, and then split them into pairs to practice?’</p><p>You watched as his face softened from the tough exterior that he projected towards people that he didn’t know, to a more relaxed expression as he watched you talk. You suddenly felt self-conscious - you had put yourself in such close proximity without thinking, and his gaze only left yours to glance at your lips as you spoke.</p><p>There was a pause as he held the eye contact for a moment too long, before replying with ‘Sure.’</p><p>Gods, how did he manage to have this effect on you?</p><p>You snapped out of it, and turned back to face your class. You used to feel embarrassed, teaching people that were all older and much smarter than you skills that you hoped they would never have to use, but you had grown so used to it, and the respect that came with being a Jedi, that you no longer batted an eye.</p><p>There were probably fifteen or sixteen medics gathered near the entrance to the room - most of the faces were vaguely familiar to you (some you recognised had come with you from Atollon, but the majority were just people who you’d seen around base), but you didn’t bother looking closely at them - it wasn’t like you knew any medics anyway.</p><p>‘Morning, guys. Thanks for coming, I know it’s early.’ Though you had been up for hours now and felt wide awake, you could see that most of the medics before you were pretty tired still.<br/>You introduced yourself and Kallus, before starting the lesson properly. ‘Hopefully none of you will ever have to use these skills, but we’re-’ you gestured to Kallus at your side, ‘gonna teach you a few hand to hand combat basics over the next few weeks.’</p><p>There were a few nods, but it seemed that most of them were not particularly enthusiastic about being here.</p><p>‘Okay, so before we start has anyone done any combat before?’</p><p>Two people raised their hands - one was a kind of skinny guy that you wouldn’t have expected it from, but when you looked at the face of the other you were shocked.</p><p>Brodie Fyr had, for a time, been one of your closest friends. After the temple was destroyed, you fled through the streets of Coruscant until your feet were too exhausted to take you any further - and that was when Brodie’s family had found you. They had taken you in without question and looked after you for years. Even after his parents had been imprisoned by the Empire for aiding the rebellion and hiding fugitives, the two of you had stuck together in the underworld. When the Empire finally began to suspect you, the hardest part of sneaking onto the shuttle to Lothal was knowing that you’d probably never see him again.</p><p>And yet, here he was. As a medic, no less.</p><p>The memories and thoughts had flooded through your head in about two seconds, and you frantically tried to regain your composure before anyone would notice you lost it.</p><p>‘Great. Great, okay. Um-’</p><p>
  <em>Gods, pull yourself together. Just ignore him.</em>
</p><p>‘Okay.’ You took a deep breath in an attempt to ground yourself. ‘So we’re gonna start with some defensive techniques today, which is probably the most important thing for you to remember.’</p><p>It was taking all of your mindfulness training to put Brodie out of your mind, at least for the rest of this class. You didn’t think that any of the students (apart from Brodie, of course, who you were trying to avoid looking at) had clocked your sudden change in demeanour, but you could feel Kallus’ concern from where he stood slightly behind you.</p><p>‘Kallus is going to help me with a small demonstration first, and then we’re going to pair you off to have a go with some.’</p><p>When you turned to look at Kallus, he raised one eyebrow, almost imperceptibly, as though asking what was going on with you. You gave a tight smile and shook your head in response.</p><p>‘So some simple blocks…’</p><p>It was easier to concentrate when you were demonstrating. And also when you were looking at Kallus.</p><p>Not because of Kallus, of course. This had nothing to do with him.</p><p><em>Dank farrik</em>, why was your life so complicated all of a sudden?</p><p>You ended the demonstration, and split the group into pairs to go through the movements, and immediately as you were out of the spotlight, Kallus grabbed your elbow lightly to get your attention.</p><p>‘Are you okay?’</p><p>‘Yeah, um- I just-’ you didn’t know how to put what you were feeling into words, ‘I saw someone who I thought I’d never see again.’</p><p>‘Is that a good thing?’ His concern for you was evident on his face, and you hated to admit it but the thought of him caring for you made your heart ache.</p><p>‘I- I think so.’</p><p>He hadn’t let go of his hold on your arm, but now tightened his grip slightly.</p><p>‘No, I’m fine. I promise. Just… surprised.’</p><p>He looked as though he wanted to say something more, but you were interrupted by a medic calling for you from across the room. You gave Kallus one last reassuring smile, before going to help.</p><p>You weren’t sure whether or not you were thankful for it, but the lesson ended without you having to interact with Brodie. You didn’t want your first reunion with him after so long to be like this.</p><p>Kallus had been called to a briefing on the intercom just before you wrapped up the class (not without shooting you a quick look to check you were okay), so you began packing up the mats alone as the medics dispersed.</p><p>‘Need a hand?’</p><p>It was Brodie. You couldn’t even think, let alone speak. Upon closer inspection, you realised that, though he looked pretty much the same as the last time you had seen him, he wore it better. He had always been attractive but it was less noticeable on Coruscant, where his looks had always been tinged by adolescent mannerisms. Now, however, you couldn’t deny that he was hot. And he knew it.</p><p>‘Hi. It’s been a while, huh?’ He had his hands in his pockets, and rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet a few times self-consciously as you surveyed him.</p><p>You could feel tears welling up behind your eyes, and before they had a chance to spill, you dragged him into a tight hug.</p><p>‘Why didn’t you- How long have you been here? Why didn’t I know?’ You had so many questions you could barely get any of them out coherently.</p><p>You pulled back from the hug to cup his face in your hands, still not quite believing that he was here. He placed his hands on top of yours, and you realised that your fingertips were trembling slightly from emotion.</p><p>‘You’re here, right? This isn’t a dream or something?’</p><p>Your dreams recently had been so realistic you felt you had to make sure.</p><p>‘Yeah, I’m here.’ He spoke softly, eyes never leaving yours. ‘I missed you.’</p><p>You laughed, ‘I should hope so. When did you get here?’ You wanted to know everything about what he had done in the time you were apart and to be able to tell him everything about what you had done, but settled for asking this first.</p><p>‘Only a few days ago. I was working as a medic for Vasp Vaspar in Taldot and when he joined I thought I’d come with him. I- I didn’t know you were here until I saw the sign up sheet for this class. I would’ve found you sooner if I knew. But how are you? Look at you, you’re… wow.’</p><p>You laughed self-consciously as he looked you up and down.</p><p>‘Yeah. I’m… I’m good. I- do you wanna go somewhere? To talk.’</p><p>‘Yeah, I’d like that.’</p><p>You lowered your hands from his face, and took one of his in yours as you led the way out the room, leaving the mats discarded on the floor. Someone else could sort that for you.</p><p>Given that everyone was grounded by the High Command, there were plenty of land speeders available in the hangar for you to take, and even though neither of you really knew much about the moon outside of the base, just going for a drive would be nice enough.</p><p>Leaving the base with Brodie by your side, you could almost forget the years that had passed, and the way that your conversation with him flowed so smoothly reminded you of how simple life could be.</p><p>‘So where are we going?’ He had rested his arm on the back of your seat, fingertips brushing against your back so lightly that you weren’t sure whether it was on purpose or not.</p><p>‘I have no idea,’ you laughed, taking a moment to look over at him, using your force sensitivity to steer around the trees. ‘I heard there are some pretty waterfalls somewhere, though.’</p><p>You could feel the life force surrounding the fish, and you could just about hear the sound of rushing water if you tried, but you hadn’t talked to Brodie about your Jedi training yet (or ever), and talking about the fishy force you were following wasn’t really the way you wanted to go about it.</p><p>You didn’t even know how to start that conversation with him. The night that the empire had taken over had been hectic for everyone, and Brodie’s parents had been good enough not to need to ask questions when you turned up at their door. Even though you did grow to trust them as your own family, it had never felt appropriate to bring it up. Of course, they were surprised to find that someone as young as you were was trained in combat, but even then you had brushed off their curiosity.</p><p>Now, even though the years that had passed would probably make it more awkward, you figured you had to tell him at some point. It shouldn’t be a big deal, right? And you would rather it came from you than anyone else.</p><p>It didn’t take long for you to find the waterfalls, and you parked the speeder on an empty patch of grass close to the water’s edge.</p><p>Wedge was right - it was beautiful. Having lived most of your life on either Coruscant or Lothal, the cascades were a refreshing change of scenery.</p><p>You could tell that Brodie was feeling the same, as you hopped out of the speeder to stand beside him.</p><p>The edge of the cliff towered above you; it wasn’t that high (you could probably jump it, you thought), but the deafening rush of water pouring off the edge gave it an imposing feeling. The ripples expanded from the base of the waterfall, and gently lapped against the stones at the edge of the pool.</p><p>You could feel the force practically brimming around the picture of the waterfall, rushing through you in a way you had never felt before. It wasn’t just the live creatures you could feel, but the plants, the gentle breeze that lifted strands of your hair to tickle your cheeks, and even the water itself. The very air felt electric.</p><p>‘Wow.’ You were startled out of your thoughts by Brodie’s voice beside you, and you turned to look at him. His eyes were fixed on the sight, and you could vaguely remember from your lessons on Coruscant that Taldot was an industrial system, exploited for its resources. You doubted whether Brodie had seen anything like this there, and the awe was as evident on his face as you were sure it was on yours.</p><p>Even as the two of you found a soft, moss-covered boulder to sit on, his eyes continued to sparkle with emotion.</p><p>You were reluctant to break the comfortable silence growing around you, especially knowing that it would lead to you having to tell him you were now a Jedi. You dreaded to think how he would respond - he had never been on the side of the Empire, but the propaganda surrounding Jedi and their apparent evils during the time of the Republic was rife throughout the galaxy, not just in the Empire’s systems.</p><p>But he obviously didn’t have the same trepidation about breaching the subject, and you tried to focus on his relaxing aura and let your worries dissipate down the river with the clear water.</p><p>‘So, how did you end up teaching combat, anyway?’ He reminded you of the lizards on Lothal as he stretched out on his back on the rock, soaking up the sunlight that made it through the leafy canopy above. The question seemed simple enough, but on consideration it was just a discreet way of asking for the whole backstory. There was no way you could really tell it without telling him about the Ghost, which meant Kanan, which meant Jedi training. Et cetera.</p><p>‘Um. Kind of a long story.’</p><p>‘I’ve got time.’ He had closed his eyes, but cracked one open to look at you curiously. Your response was vague and pretty obviously deflecting the question.</p><p>You might as well tell him now, you guessed. The longer you left it the worse he could react.</p><p>‘So, you remember I told you that my family was killed when the Empire took over, right?’</p><p>He opened both his eyes now, and propped himself up on his elbows. ‘Yeah?’</p><p>‘Well. That was kind of true.’</p><p>He looked thoroughly confused now, probably wondering how this related to the question he asked.</p><p>‘Hey, I told you it was a long story.’ You kicked his foot lightly with your own, trying to sound playful and lighthearted. ‘Anyway. Gods, how do I say this? Um- I-,’ you couldn’t help but sigh.</p><p>‘I was a youngling. In the Jedi temple.’</p><p>You scanned his face for any sort of reaction, but there was none.</p><p>‘I was training to be a Jedi. The other younglings, everyone in the Order - they were my family. And the clones killed them that night. I- I managed to escape, but I’m pretty sure I was the only one. That’s why I was always so scared of the Empire, because they were hunting Jedi, and they put the bounties out, and I tried my best to hide it but I <em>saw</em> what they did to Jedi. I wanted to tell you, I really did, but I just… I don’t know. I was scared.’</p><p>Brodie still hadn’t said anything, and his silence was making you ramble a bit.</p><p>‘I had to go to Lothal because they were close. The stormtroopers were everywhere on Coruscant, and even when they weren’t there were still the clones.’</p><p>The clones had been decommissioned, but many of them chose to stay on Coruscant, hoping to be re-employed by the Empire. They had, after all, been programmed to be soldiers, and most were unable to adapt to life outside of war.</p><p>You could feel the tears beginning to pool behind your eyes, somewhat embarrassingly. You hadn’t told this story to anyone other than the Ghost crew when you had joined, and you much preferred suppressing emotions to having to deal with them.</p><p>‘I was alone for a few years. I had odd jobs, farming and stuff, and I stole what I couldn’t afford. I- It was alright, I guess, but I was lonely. I missed you. But then I met the Ghost crew, and they took on me and Ezra at the same time. And it was perfect, you know? I had family, and it turned out that Kanan was a Jedi, and Ezra was force sensitive, so I started training again. We’re Lieutenant Commanders now.’ It was a pointless detail, but you were still proud of yourself for your promotion, and you smiled weakly through the tears that were slowly rolling down your cheeks. You wiped them off with your sleeves, and sniffled in an attempt to regain your composure. ‘Anyway, Kanan says that teaching is the best way to learn, so I guess that’s how I ended up here.’</p><p>You tentatively reached through the force in an attempt to gauge his feelings, since his face was impossible to read. Rather than the anger or annoyance that you were expecting in response to your confession of deception, there was… hurt?</p><p>‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’ Despite the regulation of his face, he seemed unable to hide the emotion in his voice, and it wobbled slightly as he asked you.</p><p>‘I don’t know. I just… At first I didn’t know if I could trust you, and I was so young I really didn’t know what to do. But then… I don’t know. I didn’t want to put you in danger. I wanted to. But I guess I just didn’t know how. I’m sorry.’</p><p>Your eyes were fixed on your hands in your lap, unwilling to meet his. You had managed to stem the flow of tears, but still felt unsure of yourself.</p><p>‘Hey,’ He grabbed your hand with one of his, and used his other to tilt your chin up to meet his gaze. ‘You don’t have to be sorry.’</p><p>You were hyper-aware of the skin contact - his fingertips burnt against your face in the best possible way. But as he leant almost imperceptibly closer to you, you couldn’t help but wish that it were Kallus that you were so close to.</p><p><em>No.</em> No no no no no. This is not happening.</p><p>
  <em>This is not happening!</em>
</p><p>You were <em>not</em> about to <em>kiss</em> Brodie, you were <em>not</em> thinking of kriffing <em>Kallus</em> right now, this is <em>not happening</em>.</p><p>Brodie must have seen the sheer panic in your eyes, and quickly pulled away. You pretended to not notice the way that his hand lingered on yours, and instead hopped up from your seat on the rock.</p><p>‘I- uh- we better go back.’ You turned away from Brodie and busied yourself pretending to fiddle with the side of the speeder. You could hear Brodie’s regretful sigh as he, too, got up from the boulder, and stepped into the passenger seat of the speeder.</p><p>Thankfully, he didn’t try to talk to you as you drove back to base, and the journey sped by in silence. It wasn’t a particularly awkward silence, but you were glad when you pulled into the hangar and parked the speeder.</p><p>As you got out, as gracefully as you possibly could, you searched your mind for an excuse to get away to be able to meditate on what had happened.</p><p>As if it had been planned, your comm flashed three times from its place on your wrist, and Hera’s voice came through the speaker.</p><p>
  <em>’Family meeting. See you in five.</em>
</p><p>You had been avoiding eye contact with Brodie, but as you looked up at him any feelings of discomfort and uncertainty dissipated. He was still your friend - there was no reason for a short moment shared between two people who were unsure of where they stood with each other should have any lasting impact.</p><p>You pulled him into a hug, and were comforted by his arms wrapping around your waist in return. You laid your forehead on his shoulder (he had grown, you used to be the same height as him). </p><p>‘It was good to see you, Brodie.’</p><p>‘You too.’</p><p>He pulled back slightly to place a light kiss on your temple, then let go. You had to remind yourself that your subconscious upset at the loss of his warmth meant absolutely <em>nothing</em>, and walked off towards the Ghost parked on the other side of the hangar, sending a smile at him over your shoulder.</p><p>For probably the first time in your life, you really felt that you needed to meditate.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ngl i don't really like this chapter but i don't wanna have to rewrite it AGAIN so here u go ://</p><p>hope u enjoy anyway, and kudos + comments are much appreciated!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The family meeting was entirely uneventful - Hera just wanted to check on you all and make sure that you were okay. You knew that Kanan could tell that you were lying when you said yes, but after you promised him you were going to meditate on it, he let it drop.</p><p>For the second time in one day (although it felt more like a year than a single day), you found yourself climbing the stone walls of the base in an attempt to get some alone time.</p><p>You did an admirable job of convincing yourself that you hadn’t chosen to come here on the off chance that you may bump into Kallus, but when you saw that he wasn’t on the step you had seen him on in the early hours of the morning, you couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed.</p><p>That was probably a good place to start your meditation.</p><p>As you seated yourself, you thought through your mental catalogue of interactions you had had with Kallus - there was the time you bumped into him before going to the temple, then the meal and med bay when you got back (the image of him in the med bay was seared into your mind and seemed to like to pop up at the most inopportune moments), the fight after you completed your lightsaber, and then twice this morning. Was that really it? It felt like more to you.</p><p>He probably wouldn’t even call you a friend. You were acquaintances, and barely even that. So why were so emotionally invested in your relationship with him?</p><p>This line of thinking was creating more questions than it answered, so instead you turned your thoughts to Brodie.</p><p>You hadn’t really gotten over the shock of seeing him yet - it had been so many years and you had only ever thought of him in the way that you would of someone that has died. After all, you had no way of knowing whether he had or not, and to protect your own feelings you had tried to forget about your love for him.</p><p>You called it love. Was it?</p><p>No, you didn’t <em>love</em> him in that sense. For a time you thought you did, but that was on Coruscant when you were still practically a child, and he was the only person your age that had shown any interest in you after the destruction of the temple. You got over that phase quickly, thank the Maker, and the ‘love’ that you now felt was all platonic.</p><p>So then what had happened today? He nearly kissed you. You didn’t want to kiss him.</p><p>Aside from the obvious ‘don’t kiss your friends, especially not ones you don’t want to kiss, because things will get unnecessarily complicated’ rule, you had the Jedi Code to consider.</p><p>
  <em>There is no emotion, there is peace.</em>
</p><p>That one had been harder for Ezra to learn than you, but now was a particularly important time to remember it. You didn’t need to feel emotion, it had no purpose other than as a distraction from the bigger picture - the rebellion.</p><p>Perhaps more importantly though:</p><p>
  <em>There is no passion, there is serenity.</em>
</p><p>Relationships were pretty much the definition of passion (or at least, good ones were). And your Jedi training and the rebellion were both so much more important than any relationship that you may want to have.</p><p>So now that you had the analysing part over and done with, time to come up with solutions.</p><p>Solution to the Kallus problem? Get over it. That mantra usually worked for you, and it shouldn’t be that hard.</p><p>Solution to the Brodie problem? This one was a bit more difficult, and would involve either avoiding him completely (which you didn’t want to do - he was still your best friend after all, and you had so much to catch up on), ignoring it (that was a bad idea - ignoring your problems only had a 50% success rate in the past), or yet another awkward conversation.</p><p>With solutions decided upon, you managed to focus solely on your meditation. You opened yourself to the force completely, letting it flow through you. You could feel it connecting you to the very planet itself, and as you did it became ever clearer to you that your problems were so insignificant in the bigger picture of the galaxy. Maybe it would be easier than you thought.</p><p>---</p><p>You ended up meditating for longer than you had anticipated, and walked through the empty halls, only illuminated by the bright artificial lights since the star had set. When you entered the mess hall, you were somewhat surprised to see that Brodie and Kallus were sitting together at a table. Unfortunately, the Ghost crew was nowhere to be seen, so you had no excuse to ignore Brodie’s calls to join them.</p><p>‘They said they were gonna stop serving, so I saved you a plate.’ Brodie told you as you sat down, pushing the food towards you. ‘Full disclosure, I ate a few of your potatoes.’</p><p>The smile that he gave you contained only friendship, which you were grateful for. Kallus, on the other hand, seemed particularly moody and was again pushing his food around his plate without eating any.</p><p>‘Thanks, Brodie.’ You couldn’t really think of anything to say after that, so you chose to say nothing.</p><p>‘We were just talking about you.’ Brodie apparently hadn’t gained any tact in the years you had been apart, but his personality was so open and honest it had never caused any problems. </p><p>‘Oh, that’s fun.’ You were apprehensive as to whether or not you wanted to know what they were saying, but your curiosity won. ‘All good things, I hope?’</p><p>‘Of course.’ Kallus had put his fork down, and leant back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. ‘Fyr was just telling me about how you know each other.’</p><p>‘Oh, right. Yeah, he’s my best friend.’ You had gotten over the shock of seeing him, and now could barely contain your grin at being reunited. Kallus’ face was unreadable, but upon closer inspection of his feelings, you felt… twinges of annoyance. And resignation? Huh. You wondered what that meant.</p><p>But you had to remind yourself that that wasn’t your problem - if he didn’t want you to know what he was feeling (which he evidently didn’t), then you had no right to be poking about in his brain.</p><p>Instead, you changed the subject as you ate, asking Brodie about the combat lessons, and pulled Kallus into the conversation (despite his reluctance) to brainstorm vague plans for the next lesson.</p><p>Kallus excused himself from the table not long after, and you were quick to follow - after the events of the day you’re exhausted, and are so eager to get into bed that you didn’t have a chance to worry about bad dreams before you’re drifting off to sleep.</p><p>---</p><p>Over the next week or so, you tried to focus as much on your training as possible. Kallus turned up to help with every subsequent combat lesson that you held, and you ended up adding a daily sparring session with him to your routine.</p><p>You realised during these sessions that when you weren’t hyper-fixating on everything he did, you and Kallus got along well. Unlike most people, he was just as comfortable in silence as you were, and though he had yet to win against you, he was a good dueling partner.</p><p>Brodie, on the other hand, seemed incapable of silence. Not that you particularly minded; after so long apart it was comforting to hear his voice, and you loved that the evenings you spent together exploring Yavin and watching sunsets were narrated by his constant flow of stories.</p><p>He hadn’t shown any signs of wanting to kiss you again, thankfully, and though you did catch him looking at you with an odd expression in his eyes, it would seem that your second solution (ie. ignore it) would work perfectly in this situation.</p><p>Hera and Kanan spent most of their days locked in endless back and forth discussions with other rebel cell leaders, but seemingly took delight in the suffering of their children, since they tasked you with cleaning and manually checking the entire ship.</p><p>Much as you hated being shoved into vents with a scrubbing brush, the project gave you something to work towards. Unfortunately, it also gave the others to confront you about the very subjects you were trying to avoid.</p><p>It was the fourth day of cleaning, and Chopper had tuned into the radio and was beeping along out of tune as he ignored Sabine’s calls for help from inside the nav computer.</p><p>‘<em>Blasted droid, he’s absolutely useless.</em>’ you heard her mutter through the comms. You could see through the gaps in the vent as he wheeled off towards where Zeb was mopping in the so-called ‘living room’.</p><p>‘He’s coming your way, Zeb,’ you warned, but apparently too late as you heard the bucket fall, likely splashing dirty water all over the floor.</p><p>Zeb didn’t give you a proper response through the comms, but you could hear his yells echoing through the metal chambers, and then the entire ship seemed to shake as Chopper led the Lasat on a chase out of the cargo bay and through the hangar.</p><p>Ezra let out a huff, ‘<em>Thank the maker, he’s finally gone.</em>’</p><p>‘<em>Hey, I can still hear you.</em>’ You could tell that Zeb had paused to take a moment to decide whether to keep chasing Chopper or come back and attack Ezra, but when he didn’t reappear, you assumed he was still pursuing the droid.</p><p>‘<em>Hey, hey, I meant Chopper. He’s been bugging me.</em>’</p><p>‘<em>Beep beep boop beep!</em>’</p><p>‘<em>Has anyone seen the second binary converter module? It was right here a second ago...</em>’</p><p>‘<em>Yeah, Chopper’s trying to stab me with it.<em>’</em></em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Well can you give it back? I need it.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Beep bloop beep!</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>I’m gonna tell Hera you said that.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Beep.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Well, while I’m waiting does anyone want some caf? I could use a break.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yeah, I’ll take some thanks.’ You had been in the vents too long and your back was starting to complain. You slid backwards to the nearest opening, and dropped unceremoniously straight onto the table in the common room.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Sabine was sitting cross legged on an empty container in the cargo hold when you got there, and gestured for you to take the steaming cup she had placed on the box opposite her. You smiled gratefully at her as you took a sip, mirroring her pose.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘So what’s the deal with the medic guy?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Who, Brodie?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You knew that Brodie had other friends on the base, but since your reunion he had spent most mealtimes with you, and by extension, the Ghost crew.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yeah, him. What’s going on with you two?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Perfectly in time to hear the gossip, Ezra appeared out of the vent in the cupboard.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Are you guys talking about Kallus? Yeah, what’s going on with you two?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You had to resist the urge to tip your cup of caf right on his head, but instead drew your knees up to your chest and mustered the dirtiest look you could.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘There is <em>nothing</em> going on with me and Kallus, or Brodie. We’re friends.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Sabine raised one eyebrow at you, smirking as though she didn’t believe you.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>I’m serious.</em> There’s nothing going on.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yeah, but you said that you liked Kallus.’ Gods, you really wished you hadn’t told Ezra that.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘I absolutely did not say that. I said he was attractive.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Pretty much the same thing though.’ Ezra had spoken, but Sabine inclined her head in agreement with him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Ever-analytical, she was reluctant to let it drop. ‘Okay, so if you don’t like Kallus, it’d be Fyr, right?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Gods, no. He’s like my brother. And anyway, why does there always have to be someone? I’m very happy single thank you very much.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>That was mostly true - you were quite content by yourself, especially in times like this, but that didn’t stop you from feeling lonely in the early hours of the night. Much as you hated it, you often found yourself wishing that you had someone to hold. But you didn’t let yourself think like that - you <em>were</em> happy being single.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘You know, they go for that on some planets. Brothers and stuff.’ Of course Ezra would be the one to bring that up.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Sabine was closer to him, so she took the job of whacking him on the back of the head.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Okay, even if you don’t like Fyr, he likes you.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘No he doesn’t.’ You couldn’t be sure about that, but you thought maybe saying it would make it more true.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yeah, he does.’ You weren’t sure whether Ezra was saying it because he believed it, or because he was just trying to be annoying, but you were confident in your ability to be just as annoying. And also you’d rather have a yes/no stamina competition than go into detail about your relationships, so you didn’t hesitate to respond.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘No.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yes.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘No.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yes.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘No.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You could’ve gone on for a while, but much to Sabine’s relief Zeb interrupted you with his return, carrying a whirring and screaming Chopper above his head. He had the binary converter in his other hand, and chucked it at Sabine as he walked up the entrance ramp.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Well, I guess our break’s over.’ She huffed, ‘Good chat. And he totally does like you, by the way.’ Her voice trailed off as she left in the direction of the cockpit, probably to reassemble the navi-comp.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Ezra left too, with a last whack on the head, and there was no one to hear your muttered, ‘He does <em>not</em> like me.’ as you carried the now empty cups to the kitchen.</em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>two chapters in one week ?? how exciting</p><p>also i've been rewatching s4 of rebels and ive realised that the last 6 chapters are so inaccurate to the original story line and i did feel bad for a minute but it's just gonna get worse from here lol</p><p>also also i love getting ur comments sm so thank u!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It wasn’t long before Mon Mothma lifted the grounding of all missions. It seemed that all of the members of the Ghost had something to do other than you though - Hera was sent on frequent supply or recon missions, and even Ezra got to get kidnapped (not that you were jealous, of course, Saw was one of the most annoying people you had met).</p><p>The recommencement of missions, unfortunately, meant that Brodie’s job as a medic was now much more hectic, and the free time he did have was spent getting some much needed sleep, so you barely saw him apart from in your combat lessons.</p><p>Kallus wasn’t able to come to every session anymore - he was also completely swamped with work. Imperial defects were hard to come by, and he was often being called away to consult on missions due to his in depth knowledge of protocols and the like. You didn’t miss him when he was gone, per se, but you were a bit lonely by yourself.</p><p>You hadn’t been assigned any missions yet, and though you didn’t mind having free time, it was hard to see everyone around you risking their lives and actually being useful while you were stuck on the ground. But Kanan didn’t want to send you into the field until he was confident of your abilities with your new lightsaber, and though it grated on your nerves, you didn’t exactly blame him.</p><p>But as Ezra began talking about Lothal more frequently, you began more agitated to get down there and help your people. When you arrived on Lothal all those years ago, the community had taken you in (albeit with more questions than you wanted to answer) and looked after you until you were old enough to fend for yourself.</p><p>Granted, stealing from Ezra didn’t really count as fending for yourself, but close enough. Self-sufficient.</p><p>Though you hadn’t been born there, you felt that Lothal was as much your home as it was Ezra’s, and you were keen to be able to go back and help your people.</p><p>So when Mon Mothma finally authorised a ‘recon’ mission on the TIE Defender factory on Lothal, of course you and Ezra were the first to volunteer.</p><p>---</p><p>‘Kanan, you do realise that if you don’t bring me with you I’m just going to get in the Phantom as soon as you leave?’</p><p>You were trying your best to calm your anger, but you had been waiting <em>so long</em> to be able to help your planet, and now Kanan was telling you that you’d be stuck up here on the Ghost the whole time?</p><p>‘I’m sorry, kid, but we need you up here just in case.’ He rubbed one hand over his face, and though you could tell that he hated doing this to you it didn’t help you at all.</p><p>‘And I’ve told you that I don’t care what <em>you</em> need. My people are down there! Make Ezra stay.’</p><p>‘There’s no way I’m going to leave him in charge of this ship,’ Hera added from the pilot’s seat.</p><p>‘Please, Kanan, I feel so useless here…’</p><p>‘I know, and I’m sorry, but we need someone here to pilot the ship,’ You were about to interrupt, but he cut you off before you could, ‘Someone with your skill. We’ll call you down as soon as we can.’</p><p>‘UGH.’</p><p>There was no way you’d win against Kanan once he had become so set on a plan, and so instead you pushed past him more forcefully than necessary, and stomped out the cockpit. You could tell that most people were in the common room, so instead you slid down the ladder to the cargo bay to be by yourself.</p><p>Much to your annoyance, though, your usual sulking spot was already occupied by none other than Kallus, who was sitting cross-legged on a crate of food supplies, picking at his nails. His hair looked particularly fluffy today, you noted. You didn’t care, of course, and you definitely weren’t thinking about what it would feel like running through your fingers. You were just being perceptive.</p><p>He looked up when you came in, an almost apologetic smile gracing his features. ‘He’s not going to change his mind, is he?’</p><p>You didn’t trust your voice to speak, so you just shook your head as you sat down opposite him on another crate.</p><p>‘I’m sorry.’ He was looking down at his hands again.</p><p>‘Yeah.’ you muttered, pulling your knees up to your chest. His apology didn’t change anything, but it comforted you nonetheless.</p><p>You could vaguely hear the sound of Hera and Kanan muttering to each other drifting through the vents, but couldn’t pick out any words.</p><p>‘I’ve never apologised to you for what I did in the ISB.’ Kallus’ voice was soft, and when you looked up at him, startled, you could see that he was purposefully avoiding eye contact with you.</p><p>The right thing for you to say would probably be that he didn’t need to apologise, but you knew you couldn’t say that with any sincerity. It was true that he had more than redeemed himself through his actions over the past year or so, but did that really excuse what he had done as Agent Kallus of the Imperial Security Bureau?</p><p>Anyway, why would he be apologising to you? You had never even met him when he was in the ISB, you had always happened to be on the ship or on a different mission somewhere.</p><p>Rather than say something you didn’t believe, you opted to stay silent - you were curious as to what he would say.</p><p>After a moment, his eyes flickered up to meet yours.</p><p>‘I’m sorry. And I know that me saying it won’t fix anything. But I… I want you to know that I am sorry.’</p><p>The ship jolted slightly just as he finished, and the resulting break in your eye contact seemed to ruin the moment. You could hear some beeping going off somewhere else in the ship, and though you were still fuming at Kanan’s decision not to send you to the surface, you got up from your seat to rejoin the rest of the crew.</p><p>You tried to convey with a single look the emotions that you had felt on hearing his apology, and from his soft smile, it seemed he understood.</p><p>‘It’s probably Vizago.’</p><p>‘Hm.’</p><p>You gestured for him to go up the ladder first (only because he was closer; it had nothing to do with the way that his muscles flexed underneath his jacket as he pulled himself up).</p><p>Kanan was stepping out of the cockpit just as you reached the top of the ladder, and stopped you with a hand on your arm as you made to walk straight past him without a word. Hera must have left earlier to get to the airlock, giving you the privacy you needed to drop your angry wall for a minute.</p><p>Kanan’s face softened as he recognised the hurt in your eyes.</p><p>‘I really am sorry, kid. I know how much this means to you. And you’ll be helping from up here.’</p><p>It wasn’t the same, and he knew it, but rather than start another fight that you wouldn’t get to finish, you just sighed, and responded with a weak ‘Yeah, I know,’ as you detached his hand from your arm to join the others at the airlock.</p><p>All too soon, they were leaving. Hera and Kanan both hugged you tight before you left, reassuring you that they’d see you on the surface soon.</p><p>‘Hey, you can’t add to the tally if I’m not there, by the way.’ you called to Zeb as he stepped over into the Broken Horn.</p><p>You had decided early on into the competition you had struck up with Zeb that it would be unfair to keep count of Stormtrooper-casualties on missions you were both present for, but you wouldn’t put it past him to conveniently forget in order to increase his total.</p><p>By the look on his purple face, you were right, and he replied with a playful ‘Yeah, whatever,’ before he disappeared, presumably to raid Vizago’s food supplies.</p><p>It was obvious Ezra was impatient to leave, but he stopped for a quick hug.</p><p>‘Give them hell for me, blueberry head,’ you whispered to him, knowing that Kanan wouldn’t approve of you “inciting violence” or whatever he would call it. Ezra only laughed in response; you both knew that he was already planning on it.</p><p>Chopper and Sabine didn’t take long to say their goodbyes after that, and with a hiss the airlock disengaged, and they were gone.</p><p>‘I got dibs on the comfy chair!’ Rex called as he ran off towards the lounge, and Kallus’ breath tickled the back of your neck as he laughed softly.</p><p>You were unwilling to move - it was a silly thought but you felt somewhat in limbo in that moment, and as soon as you moved it would solidify your position in the middle of nowhere with only Rex and Kallus to keep you company whilst your friends fought for your people without you.</p><p>Kallus placed his hand on your shoulder; despite the layer of material between your skin the weight of it was reassuring and warm.</p><p>In an instinctive move that you probably wouldn’t have made had you had time to consider, you crossed your right arm across your body to cover his hand with your own.</p><p>Kallus’ life force was radiating from where he stood behind you, and you felt it almost rippling through you, surrounding you in its embrace. You had never felt so connected to another being before, not even when you were trying. But Alexsandr seemed to mold with you completely, his energy became yours and yours his.</p><p>It was an altogether intoxicating sensation.</p><p>But then the moment was over, and you felt your consciousness come crashing back down into your physicality.</p><p>‘I- I should-’ you were floundering for words as you turned to face him, letting his hand drop, unsupported by you.</p><p>The most apt description you could think of for his expression was guarded bewilderment, and from that you guessed that he must have felt the same as you had.</p><p>If <em>you</em> were unable to explain the feeling, even with all of your Force training, you couldn’t imagine what Kallus must have been thinking.</p><p>You finally managed to focus your mind enough to get out the words, ‘I should go,’ before you walked past him to join Rex in the lounge.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes i am making up stuff about the force and No i do not care if it doesnt make sense or if it isnt canon because i think its cute</p><p>also the next chapter is probably gonna be long and SAD (im sure u can guess where this is going lmao) so prepare yourselves</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>OMFG YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY THIS ONE GUYS :))<br/>and yeah i know i said this one was gonna be sad but i got distracted so that'll probably be the next one</p><p>the next chapter might not be for a couple weeks btw sorry guys i'm pretty busy w school work but i'm already working on it so hopefully not too long!</p><p>anyway this is an unnecessarily long note so bye lol<br/>kudos + comments are much appreciated as always!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spending time on the Ghost with only Rex and Kallus was much easier than you had anticipated. For the first few hours Kallus had holed himself up in the nose gun, but Rex was more than happy to endlessly challenge you to rematches of some game he had found in the memory of the holo-table in the lounge.</p><p>You didn’t know how you would have survived any longer than that if Sabine hadn’t equipped your wrist panel with a mid-range transmitter that the Empire wouldn’t be able to intercept or track.</p><p>The three of you had sat, with untouched goopy rations before you, listening through the small speaker as Zeb complained about the Loth-cats whilst surveilling the launch pad, and then as Sabine and Ezra caused chaos by stealing the TIE Defender.</p><p>You tried to hide it, but you found it much harder than you had expected to have to listen to your friends’ escapades from a light year away, hidden away in a metal box behind the next closest star.</p><p>Thankfully, it seemed that you had convinced Rex you were fine with your light-hearted comments about the dismal quality of the long-storage food you were expected to eat for the next however long.</p><p>You weren’t quite as successful with Kallus, however, and you could feel his curious, almost worried, gaze on you whenever you were in the same room.</p><p>Ever since your odd Force-connection moment the day before, you had been hyper-conscious of his presence, as well as his emotions. You were pretty sure that you weren’t intentionally probing into his life force, but for some reason you were unable to escape from the feel of his beating heart resonating in your mind.</p><p>That was another reason you were glad to have your comms - you needed Kanan’s advice now more than ever.</p><p>---</p><p>You were lying, drifting vaguely through sleep, in your bunk in the room you usually shared with Sabine when you were startled awake by the familiar <em>click</em> of your comm waking up.</p><p>‘<em>Hey, kid, you there?<em>’</em></em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Kanan!’ You had forgotten your anger at him; instead you felt only relief upon hearing his voice. ‘Yeah, I’m here. How are you?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>We’re all okay. It’s night here, I think everyone else is sleeping.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You could tell from his voice that he was tired, but it was the kind of tired that came from the constant adrenaline rush that came with living as a fugitive from the Empire.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Kid, I-</em>’<br/>‘I’m sorry-’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You had both begun to speak at the same time, and you could hear his gentle laugh, distorted by the distance and frequency.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘You go.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Are you okay?</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘As good as I can be. Kanan, I’m sorry for being angry earlier, I just… they’re my people down there. I want to be able to help.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>I know. But you’ve already heard about the hyperdrive, right? Hopefully Mon Mothma will authorise a strike when she has the flight data.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He paused.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>What else is bothering you?</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Of course you wouldn’t be able to hide your inner turmoil from Kanan; he always had known you best.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘No, it… it’s fine. It can wait until after this mission.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>It doesn’t have to, though.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Okay… Gods, you’re probably gonna think I’m going mad or something. It’s just… I had this weird moment with Kallus yesterday, just after you left. I wasn’t even trying or anything, but I felt his force just… I don’t even know. It was everywhere. I don’t know how to describe it.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Almost like it wanted to be </em>your<em> force?</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yes, exactly like that. And then it stopped, and I thought everything went back to normal, but it didn’t. I can still <em>feel</em> him, even when I’m not trying.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Even now, even with the metres and solid metal doors separating you, you could hear his soft exhales. You could feel the physical shift in the air particles as his chest rose and fell with his breath. It was as if you could just reach out, and he’d be right there.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Kanan was silent for a moment, and you had to pray he wasn’t actually thinking you were out of your mind, no matter what you knew it sounded like.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>You like him?</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Uh- yeah he’s alright I guess?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>No, do you </em>like<em> him? Romantically.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>This wasn’t really a conversation you had ever predicted you would be having with Kanan, especially not in this context.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘I don’t know.’ You sighed, and ran your fingers through your hair to get it out of your face. ‘I know it’s against the Code, and I’m trying to get rid of it, but I just… I just- I don’t-’ You were going to say that you didn’t know, but that wasn’t quite true anymore. ‘Yeah. I guess I do. I’m sorry, Kanan, I’m trying…’ You trailed off, feeling self-conscious.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>“There is no emotion; there is peace.”</em>’ He recited from the original transcription of the Jedi Code, the very line that was giving you trouble. ‘<em>You know, we’re not technically Jedi, right? The Jedi were an ancient religion that relied as much on its individual members as it did its tradition. You had to go through a set of trials to be a Jedi, and I never got a chance to do them, and neither have you.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘So we’re not proper Jedi? What does that even mean?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>It was too late at night and you were too tired for his cryptic lectures.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Of course he couldn’t give you a straight answer, though. ‘<em>Many say that it was the strict Jedi Code that led to their downfall. You already know the perceived dangers of attachments. But do you not have an emotional attachment to me? To Hera? Sabine, Ezra, Zeb, even Chopper? Are you not attached to the rebellion itself, as a cause?</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘So… what are you saying, Kanan? I’m not a Jedi, and I’ve already broken the Code. So what?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>The Jedi were flawed. And so was their Code. Attachments are a powerful force, but they don’t necessarily always lead to the dark side. I may be wrong, but I believe that what you felt yesterday is connected to your feelings for Kallus. You should meditate on it.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Ugh, what do you think I’ve been doing all day? Whatever the Force is doing, I don’t get it and I’m sick of it. I can’t concentrate. I can hear his <em>heartbeat</em>, Kanan. Why can I hear his heartbeat?’ Your tone was verging on whiny, but you were so thoroughly fed up of your thoughts constantly being plagued by his distracting presence you couldn’t care less whether or not you came across as sulky.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Don’t fight it. Lean into it, see what happens. And it isn’t the Force that’s doing this to you - it wouldn’t connect you in this way if you weren’t already connected on some level.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You hadn’t considered the possibility of meditating <em>through</em> the connection, you had only tried <em>despite</em> it. As for the force enhancing whatever was already there - given the implications, that wasn’t necessarily something you wanted to consider right now.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Hmm. Thank you, Kanan.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He always seemed to be able to make things make more sense.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>You’re welcome, kid. I love you.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘I love you too. Look after yourself.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>I will. Now go to sleep, you’re tired.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>As though his comment had reminded your body of the time, you were suddenly hit by the urge to yawn.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Goodnight Kanan.’ You slipped the small electronic panel off your wrist and rested it on the table beside you. ‘Thank you.’ you mumbled as an afterthought; you knew you had already said it but you wanted to say it again anyway.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘<em>Goodnight, kid. Sleep well.</em>’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You vaguely registered the <em>click</em> as the comm disconnected, but your eyes were already closing of their own accord.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You were too tired to even protest against your own mind as the gentle sounds of Alexsandr’s breathing surrounded you, lulling you deeper into relaxation. You understood now what Kanan had meant when he said ‘lean into it’ - rather than annoying you, the steady beating of Alex’s heart now calmed you.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>In your sleepy state, you allowed the feeling to expand as far as it wanted, and it would have been suffocating had it not felt so <em>natural</em> to you. He may have been sleeping unaware across the hall, but you fell asleep that night enclosed in Alexsandr’s warm embrace.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>---</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>When you woke the next morning, you felt more rested than you had in awhile. The smell of freshly brewed caf was drifting through the vents, and you got up to follow it to its source in the kitchen.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>As you were walking, you realised that whilst you were still aware of Kallus’ life force, it was no longer impeding on your thoughts as it had been before. The warmth of his existence nestled in a corner of your mind, and rather than infuriating you with its constant presence, it was almost nice to be able to feel his calming weight.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>His even breaths and peaceful demeanour told you that he was still asleep, so you knew before you stepped into the kitchen that it would be Rex.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Morning,’ you greeted Rex.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Morning. You want a cup?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yeah, that’d be great thanks.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Sure.’ He seemed much more awake than you were, so you didn’t protest or try to help as he moved around where you had sat yourself on a counter to prepare your coffee.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘How’d you sleep?’ you asked him as he handed you the steaming cup.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Awful. I hate space.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Hmm. Don’t blame you.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘I was thinking I might take the Phantom and go back to Yavin. You mind?’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You’d be alone with Kallus.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You hated that that was your first thought.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yeah, sure. Not like we’re doing much here anyway.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Mon Mothma had stationed the Ghost in the system next to Lothal as a back-up but hadn’t specified minimum crew numbers, and you didn’t blame Rex for wanting to leave. He had been programmed to be a military man; and despite his good nature, sitting still while a war was raging was probably even harder for him than it was for you.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘You’re sure?’ You could hear the actual question he wanted to ask in the subtext of what he had said - <em>are you sure you’re okay being alone with Kallus?</em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You couldn’t help the small laugh that bubbled out of your throat - you knew that Kanan had told him specifically to look after you before he left, and it seemed he was taking the role of father figure more seriously that you had expected.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘I’m sure, Rex. Thank you. We’ll be fine, get out of here. And make sure you bring some proper food if you come back.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Just because the packets the Alliance had provided you with were nutritious, you didn’t really think they should be called ‘food’.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Sure thing. Let me know if you need anything else.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You could feel Alexsandr stirring down the hall.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Rex had finished his caf, and placed his empty mug in the small dishwasher. ‘I better go get the pre-flight checks started,’ he said as he made his way out of the slightly cramped room.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Now you were alone, you couldn’t help your thoughts from straying.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You weren’t sure when, but at some point Kallus had stopped being Kallus and had become <em>Alexsandr</em>.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You had used his first name twice - once in the med bay, and again after your first fight. He had told you that you could (you remembered his exact words as ‘if you prefer’), but it had still felt a bit weird and you hadn’t done it again since. In any case, most people around base didn’t even know his first name so it would have looked strange if you had gone around calling him ‘Alexsandr’, as if you were friends. Sure, you would consider him your friend, but you had no idea whether he thought the same of you.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>And anyway, he had only used <em>your</em> first name twice, and both times were only in response to you. Never of his own volition. Instead, he stuck to referring to you either by your last name or as Commander.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Maybe he was just being polite, but you couldn’t deny that it upset you a bit to be reduced to a rank.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>No, that was being unfair to him - you were sure that wasn’t his intention.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>But nevertheless, it was impersonal, and you hated it. You thought that you were more than just a Commander to him. And not even a Commander - technically, you were still a Lieutenant Commander.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Now that he was pretty much living inside your head (you could feel him sitting up and stretching now), it would be impossible for you to think of him as Kallus, let alone Captain.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>The actual fact of it didn’t bother you, you didn’t mind calling him Alexsandr. What was more worrying was how you had let yourself develop (for lack of a better word) a crush on him without realising, which was already bad enough, but now you were going to sleep thinking about <em>Alexsandr</em>. It was all going much too quickly for your liking, especially because the progressions were so one-sided.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Your caf was lukewarm when you went to take a sip. Time seemed to slip away from you when you were deep in thought.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Alexsandr was moving around now, but you were glad to learn that you couldn’t actually feel the specifics of what he was doing. That would have been a bit too creepy for your liking. But it was good to know that he was up, because it gave you a chance to run to the fresher before bumping into him - you were still in your tatty, second-hand pyjamas that the Alliance had allocated to you.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>By the time you had finished in the fresher (you had found some of Sabine’s make-up and thought you might as well try it and were actually surprisingly pleased with the result - the deep colour of your eyes was much more noticeable when rimmed with black), Rex was ready to go.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He was talking to Alexsandr in the small hallway outside the entrance to the Phantom, and you figured it must have been about you by the way they stopped as soon as they saw you approaching.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Good morning,’ Alexsandr greeted you with a smile. If he had noticed anything was different about your connection through the Force, he did a good job of hiding it.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Well, I’ll be off then. You guys sure you’re going to be okay?’ Rex asked, throwing his duffel bag haphazardly onto the floor of the Phantom.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You had to make a conscious effort to school your features into a calm smile as Alexsandr looked at you - you were reminded by the close proximity just how much taller than you he was, and though he had no visible expression of emotion his eyes seemed to bore straight into your soul.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You cleared your throat as you tore your gaze away from him, back to Rex. ‘Yeah. We’re fine.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Alright. See you, then.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Alexsandr didn’t speak, but nodded his goodbye, and turned on his heel to walk away before the Phantom had even disengaged fully.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You couldn’t help but reach out into his life force to gauge his emotions. When you called to mind the way that he had looked at you, you couldn’t see even a glimmer of emotion on his face, so you were surprised to feel a twinge of worry when you gnawing at him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You could hear his footsteps descending the ladder to the cargo hold, so you opted to follow him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Either he hadn’t heard you, or he was pretending to ignore you, but when you got to the bottom he was sitting on a crate going through something on his data pad.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Alexsandr,’ you called to him, making him look up. He didn’t seem bothered by your use of his first name, instead you saw a ghost of a smile flit across his face.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Now what? You hadn’t planned what you wanted to say to him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Want to fight? I haven’t got anything better to do.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Hand to hand?’ He asked you, pulling his shoulders back in a stretch. ‘I didn’t bring the beskar.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Yeah. I need some practice.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Sure.’</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>It was easy to fight Alexsandr. You both felt so comfortable in an aggressive situation, even if it was fake, and anyway you weren’t lying when you said you needed practice with him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Sabine had analysed his fighting style from various footage her helmet had caught, so you were prepared for his opening lunge, and dodged easily. From there, you knew that his attacks would come in pairs - the first designed to either wind or distract you, and the second would be more dangerous.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Unfortunately for him, he had also updated the rebel database with every step of the Imperial combat training he had received, giving you an insight into his technique that you could use against him. His fighting style was polished and proper, and his feet would be planted to give his attacks weight.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You had clocked when you entered the room that there were cargo crates littered around the floor, and you used them to your advantage as you danced around him. Rather than try to block any of Alexsandr’s punches (there was no denying that he was physically much stronger than you), you opted to dodge and weave around them to focus your attacks on his unguarded vulnerable areas - the back of his neck, his obliques, and the final sweep of your leg went to the back of his knees, bringing him down.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You should have known it wasn’t over, but you couldn’t help lowering your guard slightly to catch your breath. You held one of his arms behind his back loosely in an attempt to maintain your control over him, but by focusing your attention on signs of him wanting to get back up onto his feet where he was strongest, you were completely defenseless to the arm you were holding suddenly grabbing you by the neck.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>His movements were fast, and you weren’t quite sure how but within seconds you had landed on your back against the cold floor. Alexsandr was straddling you across your hips, pinning you down, with one hand loosely holding the base of your throat across your collarbones, and the other raised in preparation for a punch.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Despite your vulnerable position, you couldn’t help but notice the way that his hair was flopping over his forehead into his eyes, and you didn’t think as you reached up to push it away for him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>He froze.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You very nearly did too, but his skin was warm where you had accidentally brushed your fingertips against his temple, and rather than pull away you decided to ‘lean into it’, as Kanan had said.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Despite your trembling hands, you traced down the sharp line of his beard with the tip of your index finger, and then back up to cup his cheek in your hand, still feather-light in your touches.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Subconsciously, his grip tightened around your throat - not enough to restrict either your air or blood flows, but strong enough to turn you on a bit, and you closed your eyes and tilted your head back in response.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You could hear his breath falter from its natural rhythm, and his other hand joined the first on your throat, almost experimentally, as though he wanted to see how far he could push you before you stopped him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Your hand dropped from where it touched his face to rest on his thigh.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>With your eyes closed, your force sensitivities would usually take over and create a vague picture of your surroundings, but now rather than expanding it felt as though the force was compressing around you and Alexsandr to form a bubble. You could feel nothing outside of <em>him</em>, and though you felt as though your brain had been stuffed with cotton wool, you could hear all too clearly the rushing of his blood, his heartbeat, his breathing.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>His grip on your throat loosened, but he didn’t move his hands and you could still feel the burning of his skin on yours.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>When you opened your eyes, he wasn’t looking at you, but over your shoulder into the floor. You studied his face for a moment, then traced your hand up his thigh to his side, coming to a rest at the spot you had been targeting with your punches only minutes before.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>‘Alexsandr,’ you breathed, barely above a whisper.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>The sound of your voice snapped him out of whatever he had been thinking, and he snatched his hands away from you, as sharply as though you had burnt him, and rose swiftly. He looked you over once more, wordlessly, before leaving silently up the ladder and down the hallway.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You were too shocked to move from your spot on the floor. Your neck was still warm from where he had held it, and the hand you had touched him with felt unnatural, as though it was no longer a part of you.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Even after he left the room, you were still painfully aware of his presence - he had gone to the common room and was sitting on the edge of the seat with his head in his hands. You could feel his thoughts swirling around him like a sand storm, and though you tried to avoid them you couldn’t stop the underlying sense of panic and fear from seeping into you.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>You wished now that Rex hadn’t left - maybe taking the Phantom and flying to the other end of the galaxy would separate you from Alexsandr’s life force that seemed intent on surrounding you no matter how much you didn’t want it.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Hoping to be able to remove yourself from the situation, you resolved to meditate. You tried to counteract Alexsandr’s presence with your own life force, feeling it expand to grow a bubble around you. As you cleared your mind, you could feel your consciousness lift, and at last you were alone in your own head.</em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry this took me so long! i'm in the middle of revising for mocks atm though so i don't have much time for writing unfortunately ://<br/>hopefully i can make up for it w some domesticy fluffy alex :)</p><p>comments and kudos are much appreciated, as always :)<br/>love u guys!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You managed to avoid Alexsandr for the next portion of the day without any problem - he stayed in the common room and you in the cargo bay. Your meditation didn’t last long, the images of Alexsandr were burned into your brain, and you couldn’t forget the feel of his hands against your throat no matter how hard you tried.</p><p>You didn’t have much to do other than think, and you reached your limit of boredom around lunch time. Alexsandr must have had the same idea, and he entered the kitchen just after you had.</p><p>He seemed to have reverted to his Imperial training - he stood in the doorway with his weight evenly distributed, perfect posture, and hands clasped behind his back. You had looked up when you felt him approach, but he was reluctant to meet your gaze, and kept his eyes trained steadily on the floor at your feet.</p><p>The silence was awkward in a way it had never been between you before, since neither of you wanted to broach the topic of what had happened.</p><p>‘Commander,’ he said eventually, still not looking at you. His voice was even, and though you could tell he felt unsure of himself it came out strong and deep.</p><p>‘Captain.’ You replied. Your chest had tightened when he addressed you by your rank, and it wasn’t helped by the fact that he seemed to be unwilling to even look at you. Gods, you probably didn’t want to know what he was thinking about you. You didn’t even have words to describe how utterly <em>pathetic</em> you were, getting all riled up by <em>combat practice</em>. It didn’t bear thinking about.</p><p>You cleared your throat, trying and failing to dislodge the uncomfortable lump in your chest.</p><p>‘You hungry?’ You asked him, trying to change the subject from what you knew you were both thinking about.</p><p>‘Yes.’ He sounded relieved that you had begun an unrelated conversation, and you could see him visibly relax from his rigid position. He moved out of the doorway into the small room, and gestured to the two bowls you had placed on the counter. ‘Are you making something?’</p><p>‘Yeah, I was gonna just heat up a packet.’</p><p>‘Can I help with something?’</p><p>‘No, I’m good thanks.’ Your voice came out strained, but the room was much too small and it didn’t help that Alexsandr’s life force felt like it was suffocating you.</p><p>You were facing away from him, trying to avoid looking at him as though that might help your situation, but you could feel his eyebrow raise in question. You knew he was about to ask if you were okay, but rather than have to hear his voice (which was another cause of problems for you - was it really necessary for it to be so… gods, you didn’t even know how to describe it), you cut him off before he could start.</p><p>‘I’m fine.’</p><p>‘Sure.’ His tone was one of disbelief, and you didn’t blame him.</p><p>You placed the bowls in the microwave and set the timer, then turned around to face him with your arms crossed. The look of concern on his face somehow both eased and escalated your discomfort.</p><p>‘Okay, maybe I’m not fine but there’s nothing you can do about it, so there’s no point in asking.’ You knew you were being unnecessarily rude to him, but your feelings were finally bubbling over and you couldn’t stop it.</p><p>‘Is this because of… what happened earlier?’</p><p>‘Yes. No. I don’t know.’</p><p>‘Hmm.’</p><p>To your relief, the microwave interrupted with a <em>ding</em> as the timer ran out. You handed Alexsandr his bowl, and then pushed past him (trying your best to ignore the comforting warmth that radiated off him) to the common room.</p><p>Before he had even sat down, your comm chimed as it connected to Lothal.</p><p>
  <em>’Hey, can you ask Kallus if he knows anything about this weird grey thing that’s trying to kill me?’</em>
</p><p>Ezra was slightly out of breath, and you could faintly hear the humming of a speeder in the background.</p><p>Rather than having to relay information, you slipped the panel off your wrist and handed it to Alexsandr for him to respond. Your fingers brushed against the back of his hand as he took it from you, and you could feel the burning of his touch long after it was over.</p><p>‘Rukh - he’s one of Thrawn’s assassins. Don’t underestimate him.’</p><p>With your heightened awareness of Alexsandr, the change in his tone from a casual conversation to military leader was evident, and you were glad that he wasn’t looking at you as he spoke since you were sure that the sound of his voice had caused you to blush.</p><p>
  <em>’Yeah, we figured that much out ourselves, thanks. How am I supposed t- oh kriff - gotta go!’</em>
</p><p>Alexsandr’s brow furrowed in concern at Ezra’s sudden departure, but at the sound of the small laugh that you had tried to conceal, he relaxed slightly.</p><p>‘He’ll be fine, he’s got out of worse messes.’</p><p>He hummed softly in acknowledgement, and though you weren’t expecting Ezra to contact you further, you ate the rest of the meal in silence, both feigning focus on the comm that he had placed on the table between you.</p><p>The food was just as unappetising as it always was, but you were hungry and finished quickly. Alexsandr took his time eating, and his gaze remained on the bowl in front of him; which gave you a chance to survey him freely.</p><p>His hair fell effortlessly across his forehead, framing his face with its varied caramel tones. You couldn’t help but think, for what felt like the thousandth time, how softly it would slip through your fingers. There was a small scar on his temple that you hadn’t noticed before. It was almost obscured by his hair, but the glossy silver sheen of scar tissue was unmistakable, and though you weren’t surprised - if anything you were surprised that he didn’t have more scars - it was a harsh reminder of your lives outside of this moment.</p><p>It was easy for you to revel in the domestic setting; in a ship floating in the middle of space with nowhere to go, no responsibilities, nothing to do other than sit together and eat this meal. But the galaxy was so much bigger than just you and Alexsandr, despite what you subconsciously tried to convince yourself in fleeting moments such as these.</p><p>The scar above his eyebrow was small, but it represented so much, and you tore your gaze off it with some difficulty.</p><p>The curve of his eyebrows was sharp and defined, but you could see the softness lying just under the surface, and though you knew that he intimidated both Imperials and rebels alike with his serious exterior, you had spent enough time over the past weeks watching him when he thought he wasn’t being watched to know how the small creases appeared in the corners of his eyes when he wanted to hide that he had found something funny, or how he’d chew on the inside of his cheek when he was strategising, or how he’d tilt his head slightly when he thought someone had said something stupid but didn’t want to have to call them out on it.</p><p>Or how his lips curved almost imperceptibly into a smile when he turned to you. Or were you imagining that?</p><p>His beard was trimmed to perfection, and you watched as though transfixed as the muscles hidden underneath tensed as he chewed. His movements were precise, almost reminiscent of his Imperial background in some strange way, as he raised each spoonful to his mouth. You knew from experience that the food was distinctly less than appealing, but from the impassive way Alexsandr ate you wouldn’t have been able to tell.</p><p>He appeared expressionless to the eye, but you could feel his thoughts swirling incessantly through his life force, encompassing not just him but you as well. Eventually he finished, and you preemptively lowered your gaze to the comm, just as he raised his to you.</p><p>The awkward tension was back now that there was no excuse for your lack of conversation, and the silence in lieu of the clinking of cutlery was so apparent it was as though it had a physical presence in the room.</p><p>You could see him rolling the flesh of his cheek between his teeth as he thought, in the furtive glances you took.</p><p>You should say something. The longer the silence went on, the worse it got, but every sentence you thought about forming seemed wrong.</p><p>But he didn’t seem willing to speak first either, so you settled on starting the conversation with a soft ‘Alexsandr.’</p><p>The word hung in the air between you for a moment, before he responded with an equally gentle, almost murmured iteration of your name.</p><p>You barely noticed when his life force increased in strength around you, you had grown so used to being surrounded by his warmth.</p><p>You had been wary of suggesting it, given what had happened last time, but the familiar comforting feeling of the force around you reassured you, and when you asked ‘Wanna fight?’ he agreed without consideration.</p><p>He was putting the bowls away when you caught sight of what Kanan had called the training sabers propped up in the corner of the room. A little forced space between you would probably be good for you, you thought, as you picked them up.</p><p>‘You want to switch it up a bit?’ you asked him as he reentered the room, offering him one of the crudely fashioned ‘lightsaber’s.</p><p>‘Sure. I’ve never used a sword though, I have no idea what I’m doing.’ He sounded almost embarrassed to admit his weakness to you as he took it from you.</p><p>‘It’s not that different from a staff. You’re gonna want to space your hands out more, here, like this,’ Your skin burned where you brushed over his hands as you reached over to adjust his grip, but you pushed the thoughts away. ‘It gives you more range of movement.’</p><p>The weight distribution of the stick was different from the saber that you were used to, and you gave it a few experimental spins at your side to test it.</p><p>‘I could teach you a few basic forms?’ You weren’t quite sure how to go about teaching to someone without force-sensitivities - so much of the technique you had honed was based on the force, and you were away on a mission when Kanan had taught Sabine how to use the darksaber back on Atollon so you didn’t get to see how he had done it.</p><p>But Alexsandr sounded happy to start with forms when he responded with an ‘Okay,’, so you began to run through them with him, with only occasional pauses to correct his posture or stance.</p><p>‘You’re a quick learner,’ you remarked as you watched him run through Form I.</p><p>His breaths came heavier now, and you had to make a conscious effort to not watch the rise and fall of his chest as he replied to you, ‘You were right, it’s not that different from a staff.’</p><p>‘Hey, I’m always right. Block low.’</p><p>The simplistic teachings of beginner saber combat were bringing back memories that you had been suppressing.</p><p>You remembered your delight at learning how the positions you had learnt in Form I translated into combat scenarios, and the picture that was resurfacing in your mind of the surroundings at the time was vivid. You could picture the master whose name you had forgotten smiling down at you, and the light streaming through the windows of the training room. You remembered how you were distracted by the dust floating in beams of light, and how your lack of focus had earnt you your first trip to the medbay with a burn from your partner’s training saber.</p><p>You were better at overcoming distractions now, though, and you continued to give Alexsandr instructions despite the memories that clouded your mind.</p><p>‘You’re a good teacher,’ he told you in the momentary break you had given him in between sips of water.</p><p>‘Thanks. You’re a good student.’</p><p>‘I know a few of my Imperial teachers who’d disagree with you.’</p><p>Neither of you had opened up much about your childhoods with the other, and though you didn’t want to come across as nosy you were curious about his past, so you couldn’t help asking ‘Why’s that?’ in response.</p><p>He could see where you were going with this, and sank to the floor with a soft sigh. He slouched slightly against the wall behind him, with his legs stretched out in front of himself, and if you hadn’t been able to sense his apprehension at the coming conversation from his life force, you would have said he looked the picture of comfort and relaxation.</p><p>You crossed your legs under you as you sat opposite him.</p><p>‘My parents were both diplomats for the Old Republic. I was only ten when the Empire took over, so I don’t remember it well, but nothing really changed for them. When the clones started ageing out, children of Imperials were the first to be targeted for recruitment. Saved them time with the reconditioning, I think.’ He snorted derisively.</p><p>‘Reconditioning?’ It wasn’t a word you had heard in regards to Imperial procedure before.</p><p>‘Brainwashing. The process is modified based on age and upbringing, but for the unlucky ones it’s pretty much torture and reprogramming.’</p><p>No wonder they were all so loyal to the cause, you thought. ‘Were you… reconditioned?’</p><p>‘No. There was enough propaganda on Coruscant, I had already been brainwashed enough.’</p><p>‘How old were you when you joined?’</p><p>‘Twelve. I made my parents so proud.’ His eyes had glazed over, and though his gaze remained pointed at a spot on the wall behind you, you guessed he was looking at the faces of his parents rather than the steel. ‘I was ambitious. I didn’t want to be a stormtrooper, just blinding following orders. I wanted to be able to be able to serve my Empire more… effectively, I guess. So once I completed the first six years of basic training and service, I transferred to the ISB. It was in its early days, so I rose up through the ranks quickly. I was so focused on my <em>career</em> that I barely even thought of the people I was killing to get there.’</p><p>His voice stayed calm and even through the speech, but you could hear the layer of guilt bubbling underneath, and you uncrossed your legs to nudge his calf with your foot.</p><p>‘And then you risked everything in an attempt to make up for it.’</p><p>‘Yes, an <em>attempt</em>.’ He didn’t hold eye contact for long, and returned his gaze to the blank wall before he had even finished talking.</p><p>‘No, Alex, that’s not what I meant,’ you backtracked quickly. ‘You did everything you could. Stars, you let Ezra throw you through a glass screen.’</p><p>‘I did not <em>let him</em> throw- how did you even know about that?’</p><p>You were grateful that your teasing had, albeit momentarily, given him cause to smile (no matter how defensive he tried to act).</p><p>‘Oh, Ezra wouldn’t shut up about it for weeks. He was so proud of himself.’</p><p>‘Of course he was,’ he muttered, and he reminded you of a sulky child in the way that he crossed his arms over his chest.</p><p>‘Anyway, my point is that I don’t care about what you’ve done,’</p><p>You were preparing a whole inspiring speech for him, but he interrupted before you could get there. ‘I care though. And other people care.’</p><p>‘Fucks’ sake, Kallus.’ You whacked his foot, perhaps harder than could be described as “playful”, but it worked to get his attention fully. ‘I don’t care if you care. And since when have you given a shit about what <em>Captain Vander</em> or anyone else thinks?’</p><p>He paused for a moment, his gaze fixed on your hand that you had now rested just above his ankle, in what you hoped would be a comforting gesture.</p><p>Before he had a chance to respond, your comm dinged from where you had left it on the table.</p><p>
  <em>’Hey kid, I just wanted you to know that Hera’s just left for Yavin with the TIE’s data recorder. Hopefully they’ll send a team down soon. How are you doing up there?’</em>
</p><p>‘Hey Kanan. We’re doing good. Bit bored though.’</p><p>Alexsandr was nodding along as you spoke, though he was now looking down at his hands, and you could hear his agreement in the laugh he covered by his soft exhale at your last sentence.</p><p>
  <em>’I know. Sit tight, I’m sure you’ll be called in soon. How’s that thing we talked about going?’</em>
</p><p>You didn’t know how he could know that you were in the same room as Alexsandr, but you were definitely glad that he had been cautious with his words.</p><p>‘It’s, uh… It’s going, I guess. I’m meditating.’</p><p>
  <em>’Good. Make the most of your time up there. I’ll let you know if there are any more updates.’</em>
</p><p>The comm clicked as it disconnected without a goodbye, but Kanan was probably busy, and you were glad that he’d taken the time to contact you at all. You slipped the comm back into its familiar place on your wrist, all the while wishing for Alexsandr not to ask about Kanan’s cryptic question.</p><p>But when his foot shifted to tap against you, and you looked up to see the intrigued tilt of one of his eyebrows, you knew there was no such luck.</p><p>‘What was that about?’ he asked, trying and failing to hide his curiosity under the guise of humour.</p><p>‘Why’d you want to know?’ You tried to get up from the floor as gracefully as possible, but your movements felt clunky and uncomfortable under his unwavering gaze.</p><p>He didn’t respond to that, but shook his head with a small smile. His hair fell in locks around his face, and he pushed it away as he, too, got up and readied himself with his training saber.</p><p>It appeared that the two of you had managed to completely move past the awkwardness of the morning, by the comfortable way you were able to move around each other. You were still only teaching Alexsandr and as such warning him before each move you made, but your enhanced sensitivity to him had only increased with time, and you found yourself able to almost feel his intentions of movements before he made them.</p><p>Since the sparring was in no way challenging for you, it enabled you to focus a part of your mind on your technique (which Kanan would tell you always needed work), and another separate part on this new, strange sensation of being so attuned to Alexsandr.</p><p>Foresight was something that Kanan had told you to be aware of, but that was usually in less active environments, and even then you had never been particularly competent in this area of the force.</p><p>It wasn’t long before Alexsandr was at a more than competent level, and as you shifted the fight from a choreographed set of movements into a more fluid battle, you shut your eyes in order to practice your newfound ability.</p><p>‘Now that’s just showing off. Not fair.’ Alexsandr was incorporating more experimental attacks into the fight in an attempt to outwit you, but you allowed your hands to move of their own accord in response to the attacks he sent your way, and there was no way he would be able to best you.</p><p>He startled you with a double feint for an upwards slash, and whilst you were still way ahead of him, you had to reevaluate your strategy, and ended up in Form III. Though it was Kanan’s favourite (and his master before him), you had always hated the rigidity of it, and with the end of the Jedi order you hadn’t seen much use in training for saber to saber combat, and as such it was your weakest form. Kanan would be proud of your proactivity in making the most of your time in practicing it.</p><p>After a few more minutes of wordless back and forth sparring, Alexsandr motioned for a break.</p><p>The combined static nature of Form III and your inability to be taken by surprise had meant that you weren’t out of breath, but by the way Alex flopped into a seat at the table you had tired him out.</p><p>You couldn’t help your thoughts momentarily taking a more crass turn for a second, but you were quick to push away the images that you were picturing.</p><p>‘Wait until we get back. I’ll have you pinned with a staff in minutes.’ Alex nearly snapped you out of your thoughts when he spoke, but the idea of being pinned… </p><p>You had to physically shake the thoughts out of your head before taking a seat opposite him, and after taking the glass out of his hand for a sip of water, you replied ‘Yeah, you wish.’</p><p>His expression was unreadable, and though your morals objected you couldn't help but reach out gently into his emotions. They were equally as unhelpful as his face, though, and though you were glad that there wasn’t even a hint of dislike, disgust, or anything of the sort, you weren’t able to discern exactly what it was he <em>was</em> feeling.</p><p>You definitely had to meditate again, you thought to yourself, as you turned away from him under the pretense of fixing your hair.</p><p>‘I gotta go shower. I’ll see you later?’ It wasn’t really a question you needed to ask, seeing as it would be literally impossible for you to get away from him on the Ghost, but it was definitely worth it to be able to see that glimmer in his eyes as he responded ‘Of course,’ with a tilt of his head.</p><p>---</p><p>The combination of stale, motionless air, awful food options, sonic water-less showers, and the strange emptiness you felt around you when you weren’t surrounded by various life forms had led you to hate space travel, and when Kanan had told you that you’d be stuck on the Ghost for an undetermined length of time you were dreading it.</p><p>This particular trip wasn’t any different in terms of the air or food quality, and the sonic shower was just as bad as you had remembered, but having Alexsandr for company was… nice.</p><p>It was easy to be around him, whether you were having a strategic discussion about the wider rebellion, talking about your favourite animals (you were surprised to learn that his was a Loth-cat, you wouldn’t have expected that of him), or arguing about the rules over a game of Dejarik.</p><p>Your meditation that afternoon had gone well, and you had used it to focus on coping strategies for the unanticipated developments in your relationship with him, and after a deeper reflection of your own feelings you felt much surer of yourself and your ability to act in a rational manner around him.</p><p>You had momentarily forgotten your resolve when you walked into the kitchen that evening to see him blowing on a cup of tea with a blanket draped loosely over his shoulders, but you managed to get over it quickly, and though your feelings for him were undeniably present in your mind, you thought you handled yourself admirably for the rest of the night.</p><p>The next morning promised much of the same, and though you were provided a small sliver of hope when you heard that Mon Mothma had put together a strike team to attack the TIE Defender factory, it was snatched back when you were told that the Ghost wasn’t part of it.</p><p>Alexsandr was by your side as the report came through, but you had been so fully focused on the unnamed voice coming through the comm that you had blocked him out of your periphery, meaning you had no warning when he reached his arm around your shoulders to pull you flush against his side.</p><p>No matter how much you hated space, you knew that you would stay here forever if it meant you could spend even a moment of that time against Alex’s side.</p><p>You forgot all about the mission as his thumb rubbed small, calming circles against your shoulder blade. You couldn’t help but lean further into him, relishing in his comforting warmth.</p><p>His hug wasn’t warm in the way that most people’s hugs were warm, strange as you knew it sounded. Usually, you could feel people’s warmth stemming from the blood flowing through their veins, and its effect on you was contained to how you could feel it from the nerve endings in your skin.</p><p>Alexsandr’s warmth was completely different. You weren’t sure how to describe it - you didn’t just feel it against your skin, it was deep in your bones, surrounding you, and drawing you ever closer to him.</p><p>You wondered if he felt the same as you - both about your relationship and in terms of your force connection, but you weren’t willing to chance bringing it up in case he wasn’t aware of it.</p><p>In any case, you barely moved a muscle, hoping that if you stood absolutely still you would be able to prolong the hug. You had always been comfortable in his presence, but this was a whole new level. Your bodies fit against each other perfectly, and you felt more than comfort in his arms, it was a more profound feeling that that. It was… home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so i know i said this would take a while but apparently i was wrong,,, i was really motivated today so u get two chapters yay :)</p><p>but heads up i cried while i was writing this so not yay :(</p><p>i'm sure you can tell where this is going<br/>sorry</p><p>anyways,, comments + kudos give me life so u know what to do :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The only thing that kept you sane through the next two days was having Alexsandr by your side.</p><p>The details of the mission were on a need-to-know basis, and since you didn’t qualify you knew nothing other than the list of volunteers that went. You were conducting useless checks on the engine when the pilots started going down, and the sudden vacant spaces in the force caused by their deaths shocked you, causing you to drop the data pad you had been holding. The sound of it hitting the floor obviously alerted Alexsandr, and he was by your side within seconds, his fingers lightly grasping your elbow to steady you.</p><p>You found yourself unable to form a sentence, but he must have been able to see the pain on your face, as he wordlessly wrapped you into a hug. Your cheek was pressed too tight against his shoulder, and his hair was tickling your forehead uncomfortably, but you didn’t care.</p><p>Thankfully, you had the inexplicable knowledge that Hera hadn’t been killed, but you had no further information about her well-being, and you couldn’t help but imagine the worst-case scenarios.</p><p>Your knees had buckled under the thought of her in the Imperials’ grasp, and after he lowered you both to the floor, you had ended up curled against Alexsandr’s chest.</p><p>You hadn’t recognised any of the pilots names other than Hera when you scanned the list earlier, but that didn’t lessen the pain at all.</p><p>Mon Mothma wouldn’t send another team to Lothal after this; it had been hard enough to persuade her to let the squadron of X-wings go, and after their failure it wouldn’t matter to her how dangerous the TIE Defenders were. Lothal was lost.</p><p>It had taken a few minutes of Alexsandr rubbing slow circles against your shoulder blade, and smoothing your hair away from your face with the other hand, before you had evened your breaths and calmed your thoughts enough to be able to talk.</p><p>‘They’re dead. The pilots.’</p><p>He didn’t respond - there were no words that would make you feel any better. Instead, he held you tight against him as your silent tears slowly rolled down your cheeks and into his shirt.</p><p>There was no way to measure time under the artificial lights of a ship, and seconds and minutes had seemed to slip together into an unquantifiable measure as you sat there.</p><p>But you knew you couldn’t continue to wallow in your misery forever, and though it took considerable effort to muster the strength to leave Alexsandr’s comforting embrace, you managed to stem the flow of tears and get up.</p><p>It felt wrong, going about your day as though nothing had changed. But you knew there was nothing you could have done, and nothing you could do even now, and so you pushed away Alexsandr’s searching hands and quietly questioning gaze as you finished the engine checks, and moved onto the emissions system.</p><p>You tried to ignore how cold and detached the metal panel housing your comm felt against the skin of your forearm, and how incredibly loud the silence was. Your family was down on the surface, and they didn’t contact you.</p><p>You knew that they must be busy dealing with the aftermath, but after two hours had passed you had been unable to ignore the mixture of curiosity and anger, and punched in the code to connect you to the full Ghost crew.</p><p>‘Can someone tell me what the fuck is happening down there?’</p><p>It wasn’t long before you got a response on a direct frequency from Ezra - he had always been the most reliable when it came to communication.</p><p>
  <em>’Most of the squadron didn’t even make it past the blockade. Mart escaped, we’ve got him, but Rukh took Hera.’</em>
</p><p>‘Yeah, I knew all of that already. Where is she? When are you going to get her out?’ You could tell by the cautious way Alex placed his hand on the small of your back that you had been unnecessarily snappy with him, but you had already felt disconnected from your team, and it felt as though you had been forgotten about.</p><p>
  <em>’Tomorrow night. She’s in the dome, we’ve got a rough plan but I’m working on it.’</em>
</p><p>You could feel Alexsandr about to move away from you to give you privacy, but you were relying on his warmth and steadiness, and as he took his hand away from your back you grabbed it in your own.</p><p>
  <em>’I gotta go. Sorry. I’ll talk to you tomorrow before we leave.’</em>
</p><p>And just like your only link to the surface was gone.</p><p>By the next afternoon, you were surprised you hadn’t worn a hole through the floor with your pacing. Alexsandr hadn’t left your side for a waking moment, and though you couldn’t verbally express your gratitude in a way that would matter, you mentally committed to making sure he knew how you felt (<em>everything</em> you felt) once the mission on Lothal was over.</p><p>You had taken your comm off and left it on the table, in the hopes that it might take your mind off the situation for a moment, but even without it resting on your wrist you couldn’t help but glance at it periodically, wishing to hear something, anything.</p><p>You had tried meditating, reaching as far as you could through the empty space between the Ghost and Lothal, but it was never enough to be able to figure out what was going on, and you had given up not long after starting, and instead now sat on the floor with nothing to do other than worry.</p><p>Alexsandr was sitting at the table, his eyes trained on whatever he was typing into his datapad, and you tried to focus yourself on the rhythm of his breathing to ground yourself.</p><p>His head snapped up at the familiar <em>click</em> of the comm as it woke up, and you were on your feet in an instant.</p><p>It wasn’t Ezra, as he had promised, but Zeb that addressed you. ’Is this thing working? You there?’</p><p>‘Yeah, we’re here,’ you replied before he had even fully finished speaking in your haste. You slid into the seat next to Alexsandr and he instinctively wrapped his arm around your shoulders comfortingly.</p><p>
  <em>’They just left. Ezra told me to tell you he was sorry for not calling earlier, he’s been really busy planning.’</em>
</p><p>‘Ezra? Why not Kanan?’</p><p>
  <em>’Dunno. They’ve turned their comms off now, but you can ask him when they get back. Anyway, they’ve gone in on gliders, Sabine and Ezra are gonna steal a ship and Kanan’s going for Hera. Shouldn’t take long. I’ll make sure they call you when they get back.’</em>
</p><p>It wasn’t a particularly detailed explanation of their plan, but as Alexsandr wrapped a lock of your hair around his fingers you reminded yourself that it made no difference. You had to trust in them.</p><p>The comm slipped out of your loose grip as Alex took it from you, obviously having realised that you were too full of emotion to respond to Zeb. ‘Thank you, Garazeb,’ he said, and clicked the button to disconnect.</p><p>You felt utterly helpless. Alexsandr’s embrace had tipped over the thin line from comforting into stifling, and you pushed him away abruptly resume your pacing. The nervous energy coursing through you was no different than what you felt before any other mission, but this time you weren’t the one going and there was no outlet for your adrenaline. You could feel your shoulders tensing, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care enough to try to release them.</p><p>You had thought the passage of time had gone weird the day before, but that was nothing compared to this. You could see your feet moving, taking you back and forth across the room, but you couldn’t remember deciding to move them.</p><p>You could vaguely feel Alexsandr’s eyes following you, but you were too deep inside your own head to register his life force around you as you had grown accustomed to.</p><p>You tried to picture what they were doing in each moment - would they have reached the dome yet? You weren’t even sure where their base was, you had no way of knowing how long it would take them to get there. Maybe they were already there. Maybe Ezra and Sabine were already in the air in a stolen ship. What would they have stolen? A TIE? No, they wouldn’t fit. Maybe a shuttle, but there were no shields on a shuttle, they could be stupid enough to choose that. A gunship - that had both offensive and defensive gear. But where would they find a fully fueled gunship that wasn’t surrounded by troopers?</p><p>At least they had left base though. It gave you a whole new set of parameters for your anxiety to work within, and you had finally managed to tear your thoughts away from whatever awful things they were doing to Hera.</p><p>Gods, you wished you could do something. <em>Anything</em> to help. Or even just to know what was happening.</p><p>Okay, they must have got there by now. You couldn’t remember the details of the dome’s layout, but they’d probably be holding Hera either in the prison block or one of the interrogation rooms. How would Kanan get through-</p><p> </p><p>Kanan.</p><p>You dropped to your knees.</p><p>Your ears were ringing at the sudden emptiness, you saw Alexsandr crouching in front of you, his lips moving as he spoke to you, but the sound didn’t register with your brain.</p><p>You felt… hollow.</p><p>You knew instantly what had happened, but you didn’t believe it. You couldn’t.</p><p>There was a gigantic, gaping hole, pulling at you like an unshielded window into space, almost as though your heart had been ripped clean out of your chest.</p><p>You had thought you knew pain yesterday, but you had been so, <em>so</em> wrong.</p><p> </p><p>One of your first lessons, back in the Jedi temple on Coruscant, had been awareness. You had already shown signs of force sensitivity, that’s why they had picked you, but subconscious manipulation, and proper understanding and appreciation were two very different things. You were taught to be able to feel the life flowing through each organism, and it was a skill that you had carried with you even when you had been suppressing every other Jedi ability you had been taught.</p><p>When you had found Kanan on Lothal, you knew instantly that there was something different about his life force - it reminded you of your old masters in ways you couldn’t decipher. After you began your training, your connection to him had strengthened.</p><p>Recently, it had been less imposing; you had let his existence fade to the back of your mind, and you had all but forgotten about the connection you harboured.</p><p>Its absence was much harder to ignore.</p><p>It was the complete antithesis to your recent connection to Alexsandr - it was suffocating you, but not in the comforting and reassuring way Alex did; you felt it pressing against your windpipe, stopping the air from reaching your lungs, and clenching around your heart as though it wanted to still its beating altogether.</p><p> </p><p>You managed to refocus your eyes, and the rest of your senses came with - you were on the floor of the lounge, and though your head was still spinning incessantly, you could feel the heat of Alexsandr tight against you. He must have pulled you onto his lap, since you could feel a gentle rocking sensation, and when the high-pitched ringing in your ears finally faded you could hear his hushed reassurances.</p><p>‘...shhh, darling, it’s okay, you’re okay darling, you’re okay…’</p><p>Your hands were shaking as they grasped for something, anything, to latch onto. Though your nails were probably digging against Alex’s skin as you held him he didn’t react, but kept up the constant flow of words muttered against your cheek.</p><p>Your breathing came easier as you focused yourself on his words, and though the weight of the emptiness inside you was smothering you, you were able to gather yourself enough to pull away from Alexsandr, just far enough to be able to see his face.</p><p>You could see immediately that he was worried, of course he was, you had just collapsed out of nowhere. But he had stopped talking now, and was looking at you almost expectantly.</p><p>‘Kanan,’ your voice was weak and trembling - though it was an accurate representation of how you felt, you tried again, stronger. ‘Kanan. He’s-’</p><p>Your throat clenched painfully around the word that was forming. You couldn’t say it.</p><p>It must have been obvious what you were trying to say, and Alex hushed you before you had a chance to open your mouth again, pulling you back against him.</p><p>Before, you had felt as though there was a dam behind your eyes that prevented any tears from even forming, let alone escaping, but that dam broke as Alex wound his arms tighter around you.</p><p>Your tears flowed hot and heavy down your face, into what you were sure would be an embarrassing wet patch in Alexsandr’s shirt, for the second time in two days.</p><p>But you couldn’t bring yourself to care - you barely even had the thought before it was overshadowed by the pain you felt.</p><p>Alex wound his hand into your hair to press your head against his chest, and even over your sobs you could hear his hushed words to you.</p><p>‘Oh, darling, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’</p><p>You briefly registered the pet name, and despite your cloudy consciousness you allowed yourself a moment to appreciate it, but even the word ‘darling’ came with pain - you wished it was under different circumstances; you wished that Alexsandr knew what it meant to you.</p><p>You wished you could tell Kanan about it.</p><p>The thought lodged itself in your brain before you had a chance to fully appreciate its momentous nature. Your teacher, mentor, friend,</p><p>father,</p><p>was gone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>shoutout to TheWorldRevolves for reminding me that this fic exists,, here is the next chapter as promised :)</p><p>and thank u so so much to everyone that's commented u honestly have no idea how happy it makes me that you guys are enjoying this!! i still can't really believe that literally 50 people have read something i've written that's so weird ??? anyway thank u again i love every one of u guys :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You had heard people talk about grief - how when they wake up sometimes there's a single moment where they can forget about what has happened; a moment where they can pretend that everything is okay.</p><p>But you feel as though the grief is pushing down on your chest before you even open your eyes. You can briefly recall pictures of the dream you were having - you were standing somewhere high above the city when the fire exploded around you, raging, deafening - before the images were lost to some deep crevice of your mind.</p><p>You wished you were able to forget completely, even if only for a second.</p><p>You didn’t remember coming to bed last night, but now you were here you never wanted to leave. You wrapped the blankets tighter around you, trying ineffectively to drown out the numbing pain inside you by hiding yourself in a cocoon.</p><p>You knew that you should probably be crying, but you weren’t able to bring a single tear to your eye.</p><p>You had known loss, it had been a defining constant throughout your childhood, but nothing could’ve prepared you for the loss that you felt now.</p><p>Thinking briefly outside of your own selfish pain, the greater ramifications of Kanan’s… you couldn’t even bring yourself to think the word… Kanan’s <em>sacrifice</em> for the rebellion would be unavoidable. He was the only Jedi left who had actually lived through the Old Republic times and who knew the intricacies of the Jedi culturally.</p><p>He was the last of the Jedi. Yes, you and Ezra called yourself Jedi, but there was still so much you didn’t know. There was so much left for you to learn, for Kanan to teach you.</p><p>You were simultaneously slightly uncomfortable and glad when Alexsandr’s knock on the door startled you out of your thoughts. He had been so good to you the past few days, you had no idea how you would even go about paying him back for all the care he had shown you.</p><p>You sniffled your emotions away, and reached out with one hand to push the button to open the door through the force.</p><p>Kanan wouldn’t have approved of the ‘improper use of your abilities’. But he wasn’t here anymore.</p><p>Alexsandr was leaning against the door frame, holding a cup of steaming caf in each hand. He didn’t move when the door opened, but gestured in a gently questioning way at you with one hand, as though waiting for an invitation.</p><p>That one little move - the thought that went into it - very nearly started you off crying, but you managed to will the tears away with some effort. ‘Yeah, come in.’ you answered his silent question, drawing your knees up to your chest to make space for him to sit.</p><p>You were grateful for the warmth of the caf in your hands, and though you felt as though looking at Alex’s face could cause you to start crying you were grateful for his presence too.</p><p>His gaze was hot on your face, but you kept your eyes trained on the ripples you could make on the surface of your caf by a tiny movement.</p><p>You dreaded the inevitable question of ‘are you okay’, because you knew that you weren’t and you weren’t sure how you’d say it. But it never came, and when Alex opened his mouth to speak it wasn’t even with a question at all.</p><p>‘Pryce is having a party today.’</p><p>You scoffed at the thought of it. Of course she would do something so incredibly crass and insensitive.</p><p>‘Sabine and Zeb are going to help her with decoration, I believe.’</p><p>That made you feel better, at least - Sabine had always been a good <em>decorator</em>.</p><p>Alexsandr sipped at his caf, still watching you carefully. In such close proximity to him, you realised that, whilst you could still sense his life force it was much less prominent in your mind - as though it had recoiled away from you.</p><p>You shut your eyes to reach further into his comforting force. Its familiar warmth swelled around you, and with the amplified sound of his breath and heartbeat surrounding you it felt as though you could finally breathe clear air.</p><p>The hollow gap in your chest was still there, but with Alexsandr’s life force embracing you it was more bearable.</p><p>You relished in the feeling for a few moments before opening your eyes again to look at him. His eyebrows were furrowed, but his gaze was soft and reassuring underneath.</p><p>‘Does Yavin know?’ You couldn’t wallow in your grief forever, and though you knew you would need time to process there was still a team on the ground that would need help - even more help now that Kanan was gone.</p><p>‘I spoke to Taldot earlier, when you were sleeping. He’s sorry, but there’s nothing they can do for Lothal.’</p><p>‘Yeah, ‘course.’ You weren’t really expecting them to send anyone, not after what happened to the x-wings. ‘I wish there was something <em>I</em> could do.’</p><p>Alex had put his empty cup on the floor, and now he clasped one of your hands between both of his.</p><p>‘I know, darling. So do I. But we aren’t going to give up on Lothal.’</p><p>You tried to ignore the fluttery feeling in your stomach in response to the endearment - it felt wrong for you to be thinking about your own trivial feelings at a time like this.</p><p>You gulped down the rest of your caf, hoping to drown the butterflies in liquid, and responded with a ‘Yeah.’</p><p>‘I spoke to Rex as well, he said he’d come back today. I said we could go pick him up from Yavin, I hope you don’t mind.’</p><p>‘Yeah, sure.’ You were grateful that Alex had thought to give you an opportunity to be able to actually do something, regardless of how unimportant it may be, rather than just sitting in the ship.</p><p>‘Okay. I’ll see you in the cockpit then?’</p><p>Your hand felt cold and empty when he let go of it.</p><p>He was halfway out the door when you called to him, ‘Alex?’</p><p>He paused in the doorway and turned to look back at you.</p><p>‘Thank you.’</p><p>‘Of course.’</p><p>---</p><p>When you finally managed to muster the energy to get out of your blanket cocoon, you realised that Alexsandr must have brought you to your bed the night before. You were still in the clothes you had put on after your shower yesterday afternoon, and though you knew you should probably change you honestly just couldn’t be bothered. Instead, you just threw the largest jumper you could find on top.</p><p>You had made a conservative effort to pull yourself together before you opened the door to the hallway, but when your eyes were immediately drawn to Kanan’s door it took everything you had not to retreat back into the relative comfort of your bed in tears.</p><p>You shut your eyes as you walked away from Kanan’s room in the direction of the cockpit.</p><p>Before the door had even opened you could hear that Alexsandr was talking to someone on the other side. You had half a mind to stay outside for a moment to try to figure out who he was talking to, but the sensors above the door picked you up and alerted him to your presence as you approached.</p><p>He looked up at the sound of the door mechanism engaging, and though there was only pity and care in his gaze you couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable under his scrutiny.</p><p><em>Well, tell her we love her, yeah?’</em> You distinguished Zeb’s voice easily, and simultaneously clocked that Alex was holding your comm. You must have left it in the living room yesterday.</p><p>You cleared your throat in an attempt to steady your voice. ‘Talking about me?’ you asked.</p><p>‘Yes.’ Alex answered simply; if he was embarrassed to be caught talking behind your back he didn’t show it. Instead, he handed you the comm and got up to fiddle with the navicomp on the wall - though the small space meant that you wouldn’t get any real privacy to talk to Zeb you appreciated the attempt, and the thought behind it.</p><p>‘Hey.’ you said into the comm.</p><p><em>’Hey. So… you know?’</em> Zeb sounded exhausted. He wasn’t the best at dealing with his emotions, and usually another member of the crew would be able to help him with it. You imagined that everyone else was much too busy sorting their own emotions to bother with Zeb’s at the moment, though, and the thought of him by himself broke your heart into even more pieces.</p><p>‘Yeah.’</p><p>What more was there to say? Any comforting words you might have given would be useless, you already knew that. He wasn’t okay, there was no point in asking. And he obviously thought the same of you, since he didn’t ask either.</p><p>‘I love you, Zeb.’</p><p>
  <em>’I love you too.’</em>
</p><p>You didn’t think you’d ever seen Zeb cry - you had wondered for a time whether Lasats were even capable of crying - but you could hear that he was holding back tears in the same way you were now.</p><p>You had been gazing intently at the map of stars in front of you, but looked up when Alex sank back into the seat next to you.</p><p>‘I’ve put the coordinates in. We’re ready to go.’</p><p>‘Thanks,’ you shot him a grateful smile, then turned your attention back to Zeb. ‘I’ve got to go. I’ll see you soon.’</p><p>
  <em>’Yeah, sure. See you.’</em>
</p><p>‘Look after yourself, Zeb.’</p><p>
  <em>’You too.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>click</em>
</p><p>Usually, you loved the fact that the Ghost was so intuitive and  mechanically polished that space travel was effortless and only required a few clicks of some buttons, but you would’ve liked to have to do something with your brain to occupy it.</p><p>Nevertheless, you let muscle memory guide you as you ran through the motions of the preparatory engine check and maneuvered into the correct bearing for the jump. You shot a quick look at Alexsandr beside you, your hand hovering over the hyperspace lever.</p><p>‘Ready?’ you asked, more out of courtesy than need.</p><p>The answering nod was all you needed, and then you were off.</p><p>---</p><p>By the time you had travelled to Yavin and back, now with an extra passenger, it seemed that events on Lothal had progressed considerably. You sent a message to Zeb as soon as you exited hyperspace, and he answered almost immediately. He managed to mention something about the Jedi temple before he was cut off by Hera.</p><p>
  <em>’We’ll have to catch you up later. I need you to meet me at these coordinates in about five minutes.’</em>
</p><p>The numbers flashed up on the screen of your comm, and when you input them into the ship’s navi-comp you were surprised to see that it was on the surface of Lothal.</p><p>‘You want me to come down there?’</p><p>
  <em>’Just to pick me up. I’ll explain everything when I’m on board. We’ve set up a base in the southern hemisphere; you shouldn’t have any problems getting in.’</em>
</p><p>You shut your eyes momentarily as you focused yourself on her signal - the pulsing of her life force was weak due to the distance between you but she was right, their base was practically on the opposite side of the planet to the blockade that had been set up over Capital City.</p><p>‘Okay. I’m on my way.’</p><p>Alexsandr and Rex had given themselves the job of ‘sorting’ (taste-testing) the fruits that Rex had brought from Yavin, and you clicked to engage the in-ship comm system.</p><p>‘Hey, guys, you might wanna hold onto something. We’re gonna pick up Hera from the surface.’</p><p>
  <em>’What about the-’</em>
</p><p>Rex was cut off as you pulled the ship up to face Lothal. You could hear the clattering of crates through the vents as well as the comms - they had probably forgotten to secure them into the cargo hold.</p><p>‘Yeah, it’s a long story that I don’t actually know. I’m sure Hera’ll tell us when she gets here.’</p><p>There was no response. You felt behind you through the force - Rex was on the floor, Alex was barely standing, having grabbed onto the ladder, and they were surrounded by various mushed fruits that had obviously been thrown around when the ship had moved.</p><p>The gravity simulator on the Ghost hadn’t been on your list of systems to check on since it had never caused  a problem before, but you made a mental note to have a look at it when you had a chance. For now, you amused yourself by turning the stabilisers off and wiggling the ship around a bit, just to upset your passengers.</p><p>The echoing yells you could hear through the vents cheered you up, albeit only momentarily.</p><p>Hera was right about the blockade. You could see it on your scopes as you neared the planet, but the physical ships were blocked from sight, and Sabine had spent so long working on the cloaking there was no way they’d be able to pick you up as you entered the atmosphere.</p><p>The southern hemisphere of Lothal was largely uninhabited, save for one or two cities that were more meeting points for farmers and tradesmen than actual cities. It was easy for you to sense the distinctive concentrated body of sentient life force that surrounded the base from the empty surroundings, and you piloted the ship towards it without much attention to the directions shown on the navi-comp.</p><p>Hera hopped up onto the entrance ramp before it was even fully lowered, and you were in and out of the atmosphere in minutes.</p><p>You vacated the pilot’s seat for her as she came into the cockpit, instead moving to the co-pilot chair.</p><p>Alexsandr and Rex had followed her through the ship from the cargo hold, but through the movements of his life force you felt Alex put his hand out to pause Rex before they joined you in the cockpit. You couldn’t hear the murmured words between them, but you were grateful that he had given you a moment alone with Hera.</p><p>You worked through the relevant controls together to prepare for lightspeed for a moment in silence, your movements perfectly in tandem thanks to years of practice.</p><p>Once she had positioned the ship in the hyperspace lane that would take you away from Seelos (you were taking the long way to avoid the Empire), she turned to you, her eyes glistening with the pent up emotions.</p><p>‘Hey, kid.’</p><p>‘Hey, mom. I missed you.’</p><p>She didn’t give her usual protest against the name. ‘I know. I missed you too.’</p><p>There were so many things you wanted to tell her, you didn’t know what to say first.</p><p>‘I should’ve been there.’</p><p>‘No. You can’t-’</p><p>‘No, Hera, I can, because I <em>should’ve been there.</em> I could’ve saved him. You know I could.’</p><p>‘Maybe,’ she paused to collect her thoughts, ‘But you weren’t there, and you didn’t save him. You can’t think about what could’ve been, or blame yourself, because there’s nothing you can do about it now.’</p><p>It wasn’t necessarily the most helpful thing she could’ve said, but upon reflection it was true.</p><p>There was no point obsessing over what might have been; Kanan was gone and you had to live with it.</p><p>‘And it wasn’t anyone’s fault, kid. We put you up here, you were just following orders.’</p><p>Ever since it had happened, you had thought of about a hundred ways you could’ve tried to change Kanan’s mind about keeping you on the ship, but thinking rationally now, you knew they wouldn’t have worked.</p><p>But you needed someone to blame, and Hera was quick to agree when you said as much.</p><p>‘I know, I did too. Blame Pryce if you want, or Thrawn, or even the Emperor. But not yourself.’</p><p>‘Yeah.’ Rationally, you knew that she was right, but you knew it would take you a while. Kanan would have told you to meditate.</p><p>Hera gave you yet another reassuring smile, then clicked the button to open the cockpit door. It worried you how much better you felt to be able to see Alexsandr, but you pushed the thoughts away as he walked to stand behind your seat and placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.</p><p>You kept your gaze trained on the stars outside, but you could feel Hera and Rex both staring at you.</p><p>‘So where are we going?’ Alex asked, feigning obliviousness.</p><p>Hera’s hand was hovering over the hyperspace controls, and she looked round for nods from everyone before sending the ship into the jump.</p><p>‘Seelos. Ezra’s got a plan.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>two chapters in two days ?? (full disclosure its only because i have a load of school work i have to do but am procrastinating against by writing)</p><p>this is a short one though nothing really happens in this lol but who cares its fun i hope</p><p>also i am so so sorry for what i've done to hondo he's acc one of my favourite characters but i couldn't pass up an opportunity for a jealous kallus so i did what i did for the greater good</p><p>hope you enjoy :)) comments/kudos are much appreciated as always</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took Hera the whole journey, even with the three hour detour you had taken, to bring you up to speed on everything that had happened on Lothal.</p><p>She had skipped over the events of <em>that</em> night, but you had been distracted quickly by her retelling of Ezra’s tale of the ‘world between worlds’, as he had called it. She didn’t seem to understand it herself, so it was no wonder that the three of you were rather confused by the whole story, but you made a mental note to ask Ezra about it when you got a chance.</p><p>Hera had sent out a broadcast on a specific frequency Ezra had given her between your first and second jumps, and so when you were greeted by Ketsu and Hondo as well as the clones on Seelos you weren’t surprised. Nor were you pleased by it, given your unsavoury history with a certain pirate.</p><p>You honestly had no idea what Ezra saw in him. Sure, there were worse options for Ezra to choose from if he wanted a bad influence in his life, but something about Hondo just made your blood boil.</p><p>Living on both Coruscant and Lothal meant that you had had plenty of first hand experience of the worst kinds of low, and as such you had made it abundantly clear to all members of the Ghost upon joining that under no circumstances would you ever put yourself in a situation where you would be objectified. No matter the situation. Screw the greater good, screw everything - you wouldn’t do it.</p><p>Against your better judgement, your definition of ‘objectified’ had shrunk over the years, and now it was incredibly rare for your ultimatum to be at all relevant - where at first you would object to even entering a particularly seedy cantina, you now prided yourself on your ability to refrain from slicing the head off any unfortunate creature who looked at you too long.</p><p>But you hadn’t always been so lenient, and Hondo had made the mistake of putting himself on your bad side the first time you had met.</p><p>You weren’t expecting to be particularly enamoured by the self-proclaimed pirate who had tried and failed to steal both yours and Vizago’s ships, but he was so much worse than you had imagined, and it didn’t help that his first words directed towards you were ‘Ohoo, I can see why Ezra didn’t want to leave. Do you mind if I move in too? I don’t even need a bedroom, I’m sure we can share…’</p><p>You were sure he could’ve gone on in that vein for a while if you hadn’t knocked the wind out of him with a solid punch to the gut.</p><p>And he didn’t do anything to improve your opinion of him whenever you were unlucky enough to cross paths with him again, which was much more frequently than you would have liked.</p><p>He never missed a chance to ‘compliment’ you, as he called it. You had to admire his perseverance, though, since every time he opened his mouth in your direction he was either shot down by Hera or Kanan (often both), or rewarded by yet another punch.</p><p>Sure, he had calmed down a bit since your first meeting, but you were honestly just fed up of having to find new ways to hurt him, and so when Hera had told you that he would be on Seelos with the others, you couldn’t help but let out an audible groan.</p><p>You had hoped that perhaps given the circumstances Hondo would have had the good sense to keep his stupid mouth shut, but in amongst all of the greetings being exchanged on the walker he made a point of addressing you.</p><p>‘Ahh, my favourite Spectre. You have only grown more beautiful in the time since I have had the pleasure of seeing you.’</p><p>You opted for a quick and easy knee to the balls, and if Hera had noticed she didn’t say anything.</p><p>As the mother of the crew, she was a great advocate for verbal communication rather than physical confrontation, but she didn’t seem to mind you taking out your pent up emotions on Hondo.</p><p>You pointedly avoided everyone but Ketsu’s gaze as you greeted her, though you could feel Alexsandr’s life force becoming almost intolerably large in the small space.</p><p>When the pleasantries were finally over, Hera was quick to jump into the plan. You didn’t fail to notice that Alexsandr managed to position himself directly behind you, and his breath tickled your skin as he bent his head to whisper in your ear.</p><p>‘Are you okay?’</p><p>You fought to hold back a smile - it was so incredibly stupid of you, but you couldn’t help but feel… you didn’t even know the word for it. Happy? It went deeper than just happiness, though. It was more like you were <em>warmed</em> by his concern for you.</p><p>When Hera or Kanan would check on you after an encounter with Hondo, they would be overbearingly fussy and sympathetic. But Alex, on the other hand, sounded almost amused. He wasn’t worried about you, he knew well enough that you were more than capable of holding your own, but he thought to check on you nonetheless.</p><p>You gave a small nod in response, and leant back, resting your weight on your heels, until you could feel his chest warm and firm against your shoulders.</p><p>Physical contact with Alexsandr was somehow the most effective calming force that you had ever encountered. You were no longer itching to kick Hondo right off the edge of the walker, instead you felt able to share the same humour Alexsandr obviously found in the situation. You didn’t need to be protected against Hondo, and you certainly didn’t feel unsafe around him, but knowing that Alexsandr was with you and on your side somehow made everything better.</p><p>You hadn’t heard any of what Hera had said, you were too focused on the way you could feel Alexsandr’s chest rise and fall with his breaths, but when people began shuffling around in the way that they do near the end of a particularly rousing speech, you made an effort to tune back into the conversation.</p><p>‘If any of you don’t want to do this, I don’t blame you. We all understand. But we could use all of your help, and I know that you know it’s the right thing to do.’</p><p>‘For Ezra, I would do anything.’ Hondo piped up, lifting his arms in his characteristically unnecessary play at grandeur. You almost allowed yourself to believe he had managed to speak a whole sentence without involving you, but he quickly turned to you with an entirely unwanted quirk of his eyebrows (or whatever the Weequay equivalent was, you had never cared enough about alien anatomy to bother learning any of it). ‘And of course, my dear, I would do anything for you too.’</p><p>You clenched your fist at your side almost instinctively. Before you had a chance to give him what he deserved, though, you were stopped. Alexsandr dropped his arm over your left shoulder and wrapped it across your torso, his hand coming to rest against your ribcage.</p><p>You could feel a lock of his hair tickle your cheek as he dropped his head to whisper into your ear again, so low that you were sure no one else would be able to hear.</p><p>‘Leave it.’</p><p>Though he barely spoke above a whisper, his tone was unmistakably that of an Imperial officer.</p><p>The same kind of tone that you would use when trying to domesticate a Loth-cat.</p><p>If anyone else had taken that tone with you, you probably would’ve gone for the balls.</p><p>But Alex… </p><p>Especially with the way that he was holding you tight against him. </p><p>That was definitely a memory you would be revisiting.</p><p>Hera had made no movement to stop you from attacking Hondo, but was watching from the middle of the room with one eyebrow raised and an amused smile. Hondo had taken a step back and was now trying to pretend that he wasn’t hiding behind Wolffe.</p><p>‘Apologies, my dear, I was not aware. I only meant that we are friends, are we not? Any friend of Ezra’s is a friend of mine!’</p><p>Given the position, with your back against his chest, you weren’t quite sure what message Alexsandr was conveying to Hondo through his expression, but from the way he cowered it would seem it wasn’t a good one.</p><p>The situation moved on quickly though, much to your relief, when Ketsu cleared her throat and asked ‘So when are we leaving?’</p><p>‘Now.’ Hera responded. ‘It’d be best to all go in one ship, so gather whatever you need and meet in the Ghost as soon as possible.’</p><p>Without waiting for any agreements, she turned on her heel and left. Hondo was the first to follow, taking an uncharacteristically wide berth around when you stood against Alexsandr.</p><p>Once he had left the room and the others had dispersed to do their own thing, you lifted Alex’s arm off you and turned to face him.</p><p>‘What?’, he asked, trying and failing to hide a smirk.</p><p>You crossed your arms against yourself, and surveyed him for a few seconds.</p><p>‘Nothing,’ you responded eventually.</p><p>It wasn’t nothing, though, and he was fully aware. It was absolutely <em>something</em>, but you just didn’t know what.</p><p>‘Hmm.’</p><p>‘We should go.’</p><p>Neither of you made a movement towards the door, though by now you were now the only people left in the crawler and the others were probably already waiting for you in the Ghost.</p><p>He had mirrored your pose with his arms crossed, and you were reminded yet again of his sheer size by the close proximity you were in. You weren’t short for a human, but the top of your head barely reached his chin and you had to crane your neck to be able to look him in the eye.</p><p>You couldn’t help but look at him differently after the past few days you’d spent together. Rather than wondering what it would feel like to be hugged by him, you now had more than one memory to call on. Granted, they were memories from what you hoped would be the worst few days of your life, but you knew what his arms felt like wrapped around you. You knew what his breath felt like against your ear as he whispered quiet words for only you to hear.</p><p>Context wasn’t important for these memories; you had them and you were never letting go of them.</p><p>You had zoned out, you realised, and were brought back to reality by Alexsandr clearing his throat.</p><p>‘We really should go.’</p><p>Maybe the light quality of Seelos was different to Yavin. You’d never noticed the tiny flecks of honey-brown in his otherwise dark irises.</p><p>‘Yeah, we should.’</p><p>You didn’t want to be the first to move. It was hard to remember where you were even supposed to be, the only thing you could feel was Alexsandr.</p><p>Your hypersensitivity to his life force wasn’t strange anymore. Quite the contrary. You could barely remember what it was like to not be able to feel him.</p><p>But the hollow emptiness of your loss was still there, and no matter how hard you tried to forget it, or replace it was Kallus, you couldn’t. You had a job to do, and you had to do it.</p><p>You reached for Alexsandr’s hand at the same time he reached for yours, and though his gloves prevented you from feeling the warmth of his palm against yours you were comforted by the contact, and the way that his thumb rubbed small circles against your hand, over and over again until you reached the ramp of the Ghost.</p><p>You never wanted to let go.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so this is a short one but def worth it if i do say so myself<br/>also i had rlly bad writers block around the whole of the battle bits, so i have used my Artistic License to just skip it lmao u all already know what happens</p><p>anyways hope u enjoy !!<br/>kudos nd comments give me life so u know what to do :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You couldn’t have stopped Ezra from going.</p><p>Even if you could’ve, you knew you wouldn't've. Strategically, it was the best option. It was the only option.</p><p>But that didn’t make it hurt any less.</p><p>Kanan, as your master, had been your deepest connection to another being, but Ezra had never been far behind. You had lived and trained together for years - he was your brother.</p><p>And now you had lost them both.</p><p>The pain didn’t even hit you for about a day after the purgil had left, with Thrawn’s ship in tow. You had volunteered for clear-up crew in Capital City; you figured it was a good training opportunity for you to practice your force wielding capabilities whilst also making yourself useful.</p><p>Alexsandr was working on the other side of the square from you - he had barely left your side since you set down the Ghost in the base two days ago, and you were grateful for it. You could tell that he was worried by your lack of reaction when Ezra had taken Thrawn with him into hyperspace, and though he was obviously trying not to make it obvious to you he had kept a close eye on you ever since.</p><p>Ezra had told you before he left that he had saved Ahsoka, but since he had no idea where in space or time she was now you were pretty much the only Jedi left, so no one could tell that your ‘meditation’ whilst moving rubble wasn’t actually meditation at all.</p><p>You were reaching for Ezra. You could feel his life force still faintly pulsing somewhere across the galaxy, but it was so weak and distant that you had forgotten about the rubble you were moving to focus your energy solely on trying to locate him.</p><p>Ezra’s life force was undoubtedly still <em>there</em>, you just couldn’t tell where. It was always just out of reach, just a parsec too far for you to feel.</p><p>At times, you thought you were practically on top of it, and at others it was as though it had travelled across the entire galaxy to get away from you.</p><p>You could still hear the faint sounds of people chattering around you, but muffled as though they were coming from another room, or carried through an ocean of water.</p><p>Ezra was <em>right there</em>. You could feel the warmth of his existence mentally brushing against your outstretched fingertips.</p><p>It flickered.</p><p>You weren’t sure if it was the actual Force flickering, or if you just weren’t trying hard enough. You reached further, now stretching your mind as far as it had ever gone.</p><p>You realised then that it was Ezra that was flickering, not your connection. You were so far entrenched in this search for Ezra’s force that in those brief moments that you couldn’t feel him, you were back in that hollow empty expanse that you had first visited in the Jedi temple on Yavin.</p><p>You weren’t sure what the blinking meant, but you couldn’t believe that it would be anything good.</p><p>The brief moments where Ezra seemed to cease to exist were getting longer and longer, and the flashes of his warmth were getting shorter.</p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
</p><p>You couldn’t lose him. Not when you were so close to finding him.</p><p>And then he was gone.</p><p>You only realised that you had been levitating yourself when you fell, hard and fast. You blinked a few times, your eyes unused to the blinding sun of Lothal and unfamiliar with your surroundings.</p><p>Alex was by your side in an instant, reaching for your arm to help you to your feet.</p><p>Your hearing took longer to come back to you, and though you could see his lips mouthing the words ‘Are you okay?’, his voice still sounded as though it had been submerged under water.</p><p>Your legs were disconnected from the rest of your body and you felt your knees beginning to buckle beneath you. You reached blindly for Alexsandr, who caught you effortlessly, letting you rest your weight almost entirely on him as he pulled you against his chest.</p><p>You had thought that a galaxy without Kanan had been empty, but Ezra too… The hollow feeling deep in your chest was now threatening to swallow you whole.</p><p>But he wasn’t dead. You didn’t know how you knew, especially since his life force was so undoubtedly gone, but you were somehow completely sure that he wasn’t dead.</p><p>The gentle sounds of the people around you chattering whilst they worked came closer and closer until they were exactly where they were supposed to be, and you could finally hear the almost imperceptible sounds of Alexsandr’s breathing.</p><p>You felt more sure of yourself now, and you detached yourself from him, and with your senses came an acute embarrassment. You were sure you must look completely mad, especially since you were surrounded by people with absolutely no knowledge of the Force.</p><p>Alexsandr must have been able to gauge some sense of your discomfort from your face, and he repeated his earlier question.</p><p>‘Are you okay, darling? What happened?’</p><p>There was that word again. <em>Darling.</em></p><p>You were no longer so shocked by him calling you that, but you still doubted all the memories you held of the word coming from his mouth, in his voice, directed to you. After all, what possible reason could he have to call you that? You knew what you hoped were his reasons, but you were constantly reminding yourself not to get your hopes up.</p><p>But you didn’t have time to repeat the whole thought process now. You had too many questions that no one would be able to answer.</p><p>‘No. I mean, yeah. I-’ You took a deep breath to gather your thoughts into a coherent sentence. ‘I’m fine. I… I think I have to go.’</p><p>‘Go?’ He repeated, furrowing his brow questioningly.</p><p>‘Yeah.’ The Force felt as though it was pushing you away from the surface of the planet, as though you shouldn’t be there. You weren’t sure how to explain it to someone with no force-sensitivity.</p><p>‘Go where?’</p><p>‘I don’t know. The Force… I just have to go.’</p><p>‘Now?’</p><p>You could see that he wasn’t going to try to stop you, but he was concerned nonetheless. And you probably weren’t alleviating any of his concerns with your unintentionally cryptic answers.</p><p>‘Yeah. I’ll probably stop at Yavin for some stuff first.’</p><p>He hadn’t let go of where he had grabbed your forearms to support you, and his grip tightened slightly as he asked the next logical question.</p><p>‘How long?’</p><p>‘I don’t know.’</p><p>His soft answering smile told you that he wasn’t surprised by your answer.</p><p>‘When are you leaving?’</p><p>You looked around the square - you hadn’t lived on Lothal for years, it was hard to relate these fragmented buildings to real people, but there was a bustle of sentient species on the roads, carrying what few belongings they could scavenge from their ruined homes. There were children, with blankets wrapped round their shoulders, being shepherded by their parents towards the shelters the rebels had set up where the dome used to be, some clutching stuffed toys in their tiny hands.</p><p>‘Tonight.’ You couldn’t leave just yet. Ezra was too far gone anyway, what could a few hours do? ‘I’ll help with this square, at least.’</p><p>You made to leave the tiny little bubble your conversation had created, but Alexsandr held your arms tight, pulling you closer to him.</p><p>His eyes were locked onto yours, and though the rest of his expression conveyed no emotion at all you could feel a confusing mixture of pain, concern, and care swirling together in his life force.</p><p>You had thought that he was going to say something, given the way he held onto you. But he didn’t, he just stood there.</p><p>You could see him rolling the flesh of his cheek between his teeth as he continued to stare at you. You were close enough to see the pores of his skin, each individual eyelash, and the jagged break in his eyebrow where his scar had healed.</p><p>There was something different about this situation. It took you a minute to figure out, but you realised that it was his force - it was no longer surrounding you as something foreign, no longer “his life force wanting to be yours”, as Kanan had put it. It <em>was</em> yours.</p><p>It didn’t make sense to you. His life force was still definitely <em>him</em>, and your life force was <em>yours</em>, but where before there was a sharp line between them, now you couldn’t quite tell where one ended and the other began.</p><p>Alexsandr fumbled for a second as he repositioned to be able to hold both of your wrists in one hand, and lifted the other to brush the very tips of his fingers against your jaw, so incredibly softly that he barely even touched you at all.</p><p>Your resolve was faltering. Maybe you didn’t have to go. Maybe you could just stay here, on Lothal, with Alexsandr. Maybe you could forget about every horrible thing the Empire had done, and all the horrible things you were sure they were yet to do.</p><p>You deserved it, and so did Alex.</p><p>But when he leant down to place an earth-shatteringly gentle kiss against your forehead, you knew that it wasn’t a ‘please stay’, it was an ‘until I see you again’.</p><p>Your eyes shut of their own accord, and even after he dropped your arms and carried on clearing the rubble from his section of the square as though nothing had happened, you couldn’t shake the lingering feeling of his kiss.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>IM SORRY ITS BEEN SO LONG i have no excuse :(( BUT IM BACK NOW<br/>honestly i am grateful for every single person that has read this + given kudos/commented (i still find it weird that literal people are reading the words that im writing but okay) and i love u lot so much!! anyways here is the chapter (again,,, i am so sorry it has taken me so long, i had some bad writers block but i have very nearly finished this fic and i am so unbelievably excited for you to be able to read it),, so i hope you enjoy!!</p><p>as always, kudos + comments give me life!! u know what to do :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your stop off on Yavin had been much easier than you had anticipated. Apparently one of Vander’s men had injured himself trying to win some stupid bet (you hadn’t been listening to the details), and with no other use for his ship at present, Mon Mothma had let you take both it and an astromech that you were pretty sure had been hauled out of the scrap-heap a few weeks ago, on the condition that you came back immediately as and when you were called.</p><p>You had considered stopping by the med-bay to see Brodie on your way out, but part of the reason you felt you had to leave was the distractions, and though you wouldn’t necessarily count Brodie in that category it was just easier for you to leave without seeing him.</p><p>You had no plan for where you were going, or why, but the fact that Alexsandr’s kiss still felt as though it was burning a hole through your forehead was definitely part of the reason you absolutely had to.</p><p>The a-wing was hardly comfortable, and the astromech wouldn’t shut up about an aiming miscalibration that it couldn’t fix, even though you had told it about twenty times that a) if you found yourself in a situation where you needed to use the guns your little vacation would’ve gone tremendously wrong, and b) your reflexes had always been more accurate than electronic weapons systems anyway, the stupid little green hunk of junk still wouldn’t shut up.</p><p>You had only been in hyperspace for about three hours when you finally gave up on trying to ignore the little droid, and dropped out by the next system you came across. There were a few planets surrounding the dying star, but the only life forms showing up on your scopes were on a distant moon.</p><p>The astromech hindered more than helped the approach to the atmosphere, but you managed to land your ship just outside what looked to be a farming settlement.</p><p>Immediately as you released the airlock of the ship you realised that perhaps the droid was smarter than you gave him credit for - the Force was particularly strong on this planet, in a way that you thought you’d never feel again.</p><p>A small crowd had gathered from the fields around your ship - this was quite possibly the most remote planet you’d ever been on, and you figured they didn’t often get visitors. There were all kinds of species in the crowd; mainly humans of course, but there was a group of Twi'leks, some Ithoriens, and even a few Mon Calamari, though you weren’t sure how they stayed hydrated in this heat. But they weren’t who you were interested in - behind them, shrouded by a hooded cape… No. It couldn’t be. Could it?</p><p>
  <em>Ahsoka.</em>
</p><p>And now you realised why this particular force flowing through you was so familiar. You stood in a state of stunned paralysis for a minute more than you should have done, and you could hear the hushed whispers of the natives, wondering what you were doing. You barely even registered the whistles of your astromech as it rammed into your foot, trying to get your attention; instead you pushed your way through the crowd (more forcefully that polite or necessary), and practically collapsed into Ahsoka’s familiar, comforting, embrace.</p><p>The small congregation that had formed at the side of your x-wing seemed to glean some answers from this wordless exchange between you and Ahsoka, and with a few more whispers about you, they dispersed to give you both space.</p><p>You were so shocked that you didn’t notice the tears forming in your eyes until one had already escaped down your cheek, but if Ahsoka saw it she didn’t mention it.</p><p>‘You… you died. On Malachor. I saw the explosion.’</p><p>‘Ezra didn’t tell you?’ Ahsoka took your arm as she responded, and began walking with you, in the opposite direction of the makeshift-looking huts that constituted a settlement.</p><p>You couldn’t tell from her tone whether or not Ahsoka knew what had happened to Ezra, so you took the safer option of assuming ignorance - ‘Ezra didn’t have much time for us to talk. The purgill took him. Through hyperspace.’</p><p>‘Hmm.’ The lilting tone of Ahsoka’s hummed response implied that she was aware of what had happened - if anything you suspected she somehow knew more than you.</p><p>Your head was still reeling slightly from the shock of seeing your dead-and-mourned-for mentor, so you were glad when Ahsoka came to a stop atop a small grassy mound overlooking the fields. Most of the humanoids you had been greeted by must work in agriculture, since you could see little figures, small as ants from the distance you were now at, scuttling to and fro.</p><p>Ahsoka didn’t seem particularly open to sharing any more information with you at the time, and though you were still confused about a great many things, you allowed the silence to sit comfortably between you, interrupted only by the gentle sound of grass swishing in the delicate breeze.</p><p>‘I’m sorry about Kanan.’ she eventually said.</p><p>‘Oh.’ The statement was unexpected from her - what with everything that had gone on in just the last two days you were ashamed to admit to yourself that you had effectively forgotten about the preceding trauma. ‘Thank you.’</p><p>‘Why did you come here?’</p><p>‘I don’t know. I didn’t even know you were here. I was looking for Ezra. I mean, I guess I wasn’t really, I was just following his force. I would never have found him. I think I just needed to get away.’</p><p>‘I see.’ She paused for a beat, thinking. ‘Since you’re here, I think you could do with some focused training.’</p><p>It wasn’t really a question; Ahsoka was using the strong, matter-of-fact tone that she adopted when she took on the role of a Master, and you were glad for it. That was exactly what you needed now.</p><p>‘Give me your lightsaber.’</p><p>You unclipped it from where it hung at your waist and handed it to her, asking ‘Why?’</p><p>‘You won’t need it here. I want you to focus on yourself.’</p><p>She rose gracefully to her feet, but put an orange hand out to stop you when you made to follow her.</p><p>‘I want you to meditate. Find a plant, or a beetle, and follow it. Focus your thoughts.’</p><p>She clipped your lightsaber to her belt, next to both of hers, and walked off without another word.</p><p>You didn’t mind, though - there was a time for talking and this wasn’t it. For now, you appreciated the forced meditation time; you had always loved the sessions you had had with Kanan and Ezra, especially on Atollon where you could hone your skills to fully explore the intricacies of the connected life forces covering the planet.</p><p>You shut your eyes now, despite the bittersweet memories of both Kanan and Ezra, and tried your best to follow Ahsoka’s instruction.</p><p>You began with the plants closest to you - projecting your consciousness to feel the way that their life force practically glowed in its surrounding aura. The roots stretched deep into the soil, tangling with other grasses, flowers, weeds. And the beetles - once your mind was already deep underground it wasn’t hard to find the life force of little creatures, scuttling around in a manner reminiscent of the people you had seen working the field not long ago. There was an inherent simplicity to this planet you could feel through the soil. The air was clearer than you had felt in a while due to the distinct lack of refined machinery or droids, and the sparse population, making it easier for you to focus your thoughts on the Force as Ahsoka had told you to.</p><p>You could see why Ahsoka would have wanted to come here. Whether or not she had a history with this planet, with these people, it was undoubtedly the most peaceful place you had been in a while, rivalled only by the top of the temple of Yavin.</p><p>But it wasn’t the scenery on Yavin that had made it so appealing to you - it was the company.</p><p>And then, just like that, you were thinking about Alexsandr. It seemed that you couldn’t get him out of your head for more than an hour at a time.</p><p>And thinking about Alexsandr meant a lot of things for you.</p><p>It meant thinking about how he acted in both confrontational scenarios on Lothal (defending the camp, and infiltrating the dome to name but a few). Though you had many other things on your mind at the time, and you were sure he did too, you couldn’t help but notice how he would subtly shift his body to be shielding you from whoever you encountered, even though he must have known that you were much more likely to survive a blaster shot than he was. And though with any other person you would probably have been insulted by the implications of needing to be protected, you could <em>feel</em> Alexsandr’s life force, and he wasn’t doing it because he thought you needed protecting. Most of the time, you weren’t even sure he realised that he had positioned himself between you and the danger, he was too focused on other things. And if you were right in thinking that, that would mean that he was subconsciously aware of you. And subconsciously caring about you. What did that mean??</p><p>You didn’t know.</p><p>Thinking about Alexsandr also meant thinking about the way he talked to you. Not just the words (though they were important too), but the way that he would look at you, and the way that he would understand exactly what it was you were trying to say. And the <em>words</em>. Gods, the words. Well, one word in particular.</p><p>Darling.</p><p>It wasn’t just a one-off thing, like you had thought it might be at the start. It was beginning to almost be a normal thing for you. He would address you by your name, or a nickname sometimes, or Commander, or <em>darling</em>.</p><p>And it wasn’t even like it was an ambiguous word. There was no room for second-guessing yourself with the word <em>darling</em>. It meant darling, right? What else could it mean?</p><p>It meant that you were his darling. But why? Why would he call you that?</p><p>You had completely forgotten about Ahsoka’s task for you, and the life force of the plants and the beetles occupied barely any space in your brain as you went through the same thought processes you had been through thousands of times before, with no different conclusions than any of the other times.</p><p>Finally fed up with your circular fretting, you decided to consider a train of thought you had always been reluctant to - what if he did feel the same way about you as you did about him? What then?</p><p>You knew what healthy relationships were - with Hera and Kanan for ‘parents’ it would be impossible not to. But they were one of the few examples you could bring to mind, along with a few couples you had known on Lothal when you had lived there.</p><p>Your formative years at the Jedi temple had been decidedly unhelpful in terms of relationship advice, and though you were only a toddler at the time you couldn’t help but wonder if your severe lack of positive examples would at all contribute to your own ability to have a relationship. You had no prior personal experience to use as a starting point.</p><p>For the sake of argument, you assumed now that you could. Then what?</p><p>You were still at war. You were a Commander, Alexsandr was a Captain, and the Empire was still terrorising innocent people all over the galaxy. It would be selfish of you to try to pursue your own goals during such a turbulent time. Wouldn't it?</p><p>All of your thoughts seemed to end in questions that you simply couldn’t answer.</p><p>But you could at least acknowledge that this scenario was a little far-fetched, and your meditation had gotten a little out of hand. When you opened your eyes, the sun was sinking below the horizon, and though you didn’t actually know what that meant in terms of timing in relation to your body clock, which was still accustomed to Lothal rotations, you figured you should probably go find Ahsoka before it got fully dark.</p><p>---</p><p>There was only one cantina in the small village, so it was no surprise that Ahsoka would be in it. She beckoned you over to a table where she sat alone, and gestured for you to share the plate of steaming food that sat before her.</p><p>It had been a while since you had eaten, you realised, so you tucked in without hesitation. The bread was soft and sweet, so much better than the recipe they used on Lothal, which you had never liked, and of course better than the ration packets the Alliance allocated for space travel.</p><p>‘Your thoughts are loud.’</p><p>You stopped mid-bite. You had been thinking lots of things that you would have preferred Ahsoka didn’t hear. Especially not the first time she had seen you in over a year - what would she think of you?</p><p>‘Don’t worry.’ She chuckled, taking a piece of bread for herself. ‘I understand what you’re going through.’</p><p>‘You do?’ You weren’t quite sure if you were talking about the same thing, but you didn’t want to be the one to say it out loud.</p><p>‘From what I could gather of your thoughts, you have nothing to worry about.’ She gave you a knowing smile that you were sure would contrast nicely to the utter confusion that must have been plastered on your face.</p><p>Ahsoka thankfully picked up on your confusion, since she elaborated. ‘You know that I left the Jedi order before my Trials. I disagreed with many aspects of the Code, among other things.’</p><p>You could tell that she was gearing up for one of her long, insightful speeches, so you sat back more comfortably into your chair, still periodically ripping off bits of bread to chew.</p><p>‘One of these disagreements was with the attitude to attachments. The Jedi Code forbade any and all attachments. They believed that any form of love would inevitably lead to jealousy, hatred, and the dark side. I could not, and cannot, accept this as true. In my experience, my attachments have only ever made me stronger. And from what I could gather from your meditation, the same goes for you. Wouldn’t you say?’</p><p>She was right. Aside from the distracting butterflies that seemed to appear whenever you had noticed him protecting your back during a fight, Alexsandr’s presence <em>did</em> make you feel stronger.</p><p>Obviously, Ahsoka had noticed your agreement, despite your lack of a verbal answer, since she continued.</p><p>‘I was never taught about this in my training, but I’ve noticed that there are certain anomalies within the force as a result of strong attachments between people. I’m sure you noticed it between Kanan and Hera. I felt it myself for a while…’</p><p>Ahsoka’s gaze was fixated on the seat next to you in the circular booth, as though there was someone sitting in it as she trailed off. </p><p>You had by now finished the plate of food before you, and an Ithorian waiter came to collect the plate, startling Ahsoka out of her momentary reverie. She shook her head as though to clear her thoughts, and refocused her attention on you.</p><p>‘The Force connects some people. I believe this is what has happened with you and…’</p><p>‘Alexsandr.’ you filled in the gap for her as she asked the wordless question.</p><p>‘You and Alexsandr.’</p><p>‘Wait, so… does that mean that it isn’t real? You know, if it’s just the Force connecting us. Does that mean that what I feel isn’t real?’</p><p>‘Of course it’s real. I don’t have all of the answers, I don’t even have most of them. But I know that the Force won’t intervene where it isn’t wanted. It acts as a further progression of your own wants, in the same was as it does when you manipulate it. It cannot be created from nothing, it has to grow from an existing force.’</p><p>‘And he feels it too? But he’s not Force sensitive…’ It was such a relief to find someone that was actually willing to explain in plain terms - not that you didn’t appreciate Kanan’s style of teaching, and it felt slightly wrong to be criticising given the situation, but he was a great fan of the “work it out yourself, it’s the best way to learn” style, including in situations where you’d really just rather have the truth.</p><p>‘He may not understand what it is, but he will feel it. With time, perhaps, you could teach him.’</p><p>You had a million more questions that you could ask Ahsoka, but before you could get the next one out you were interrupted by your astromech wheeling into the cantina, beeping at you far too fast for you to be able to understand. It extended it’s arm to you as it approached, holding a comms unit that you weren’t aware it had had.</p><p>
  <em>’Green 6? Again, this is Central Lothal, calling Green 6. Come in, Green 6. Is anyone there?’</em>
</p><p>With each sentence, you could hear the tension building in Alexsandr’s voice, but you were overcome with such unfathomable comfort and relief to just hear his voice on the other side of the comm that your astromech had to physically force the small cylinder into your hand to startle you into action.</p><p>‘Alex?’ You shot an apologetic look to Ahsoka as you got up to leave the cantina, but she only smiled knowingly in response.</p><p><em>‘Darling, are you okay?’</em> he sighed, the relief evident in his voice.</p><p>‘Yeah. Yeah, no, I’m fine. Sorry, I left the droid with the ship and didn’t tell it where I was going. It probably took him a while to find me.’</p><p>You found a large-ish boulder not far outside the cantina, and leant your weight on it as you responded.</p><p>
  <em>‘Don’t apologise. Where are you?’</em>
</p><p>‘Uh, I’m not actually sure, I don’t know what the planet’s called. But I found Ahsoka! I think she’s going to train me.’</p><p>
  <em>‘Tano? I thought she was…’</em>
</p><p>‘Yeah. So did I. Apparently Ezra found some way to save her, though.’</p><p>
  <em>‘I see.’</em>
</p><p>You laughed softly at that response - it was so evident that he didn’t see, and neither did you. But you weren’t complaining.</p><p>‘Anyway. What’s up?’ You were loath to turn the conversation towards formality, but you doubted that this was a purely social call.</p><p>
  <em>‘Things are happening here. I know you only left earlier yesterday, and I’m not calling you back just yet, but I was asked to let you know that a pilot defected from the Empire earlier today. We don’t know who or where he is yet, but you should be on high alert. I don’t have all the details, but I think there’s something bigger going on.’</em>
</p><p>You had been preoccupied. Now that Alex had told you, you could feel the disturbances, though they were far away and you couldn’t distinguish anything properly. Had you been properly focused on anything other than Alexsandr it should have been clear to you earlier.</p><p>
  <em>‘Darling?’</em>
</p><p>It never failed to amaze you how quickly Alexsandr’s voice could change from the stern Captain to such a soft, caring tone, but it gave you butterflies every time. And it made it hard to focus on the information he’d just given you.</p><p>‘Oh, um. Thank you for letting me know. Call me if there are any updates?’</p><p>
  <em>‘Of course.’</em>
</p><p>There was a beat of silence, where you were considering asking about what you had just talked to Ahoska about, but just as you were deciding against it he spoke up.</p><p>
  <em>‘I better go. It was nice to hear your voice.’</em>
</p><p>You didn’t trust yourself to speak without either your voice breaking, or saying something you shouldn’t, so you responded with a simple ‘Hmm.’</p><p>
  <em>‘Look after yourself, love.’</em>
</p><p>Oh. That was a new one.</p><p>You thought you were finally getting over the use of the word “darling”, and then he has to go and throw another one into the mix just to confuse you even more.</p><p>And there was less ambiguity about this one. How could you interpret “love” as anything other than “love”? You couldn’t.</p><p>By the time you realised that you should probably respond to him, Alexsandr had terminated the connection with a <em>click</em>.</p><p>The droid had followed you as you wandered during your short conversation, and extended it’s arm to replace the comm in the storage unit it had pulled it from earlier, but as your main connection to Alexsandr you preferred to keep it close to you. The droid wheeled away happily when you dismissed it, presumably back to the ship, though you didn’t much care.</p><p>“Love”.</p><p>You considered going back to the cantina to rejoin Ahsoka.</p><p>Alexsandr had called you “love”.</p><p>Ahsoka was probably waiting for you.</p><p>
  <em>”Love”</em>
</p><p>You needed to meditate. Again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay so i pinky promise that the next chapter will be done within a week,, and i'm pretty sure that's gonna be the second last BUT i do already have multiple epilogues planned and i am back in the writing zone so things are back on track :))</p><p>anyways i love u guys !! bye :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>very proud to announce that i only cried Once while watching bad batch today. (a single 70 minute long cry. only counts as once if u don't stop). cannot recommend it highly enough.</p><p>anyways i haven't proofread this but im sleep deprived and proofreading is for cowards.</p><p>love u guys. enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your meditation took you well into the night. You had begun by allowing your thoughts to focus entirely on Alexsandr, but justified it to yourself by saying you were training by simultaneously reaching through the Force towards him, trying to see how close to him you could get.</p><p>Ahsoka had told you that the Force was connecting you, but you hadn’t quite understood the extent of it until you tried this little exercise. From such a distance that you were at, the most you were usually able to feel of a person was their existence, perhaps an emotion or two if you were particularly well acquainted with their life force.</p><p>But when you reached, almost experimentally gently, towards Alex, you could feel <em>everything</em>. So much of everything that you could practically see him, what he was doing.</p><p>You had no connection to the forces surrounding him, and you couldn’t even feel what planet he was on, but from what he was doing it was probably Yavin.</p><p>At the moment you established the connection, it was though a switch had been flipped on inside you - it was practically effortless, for a start, but also the sheer power of the Force flowing between the two of you nearly knocked the breath out of you.</p><p>You could feel Alexsandr’s confusion as well. The emotions were carried through what was quite possibly thousands of parsecs through the empty void of space to you. He masked the bewilderment at what had probably affected him in much the same way it did you, though, and you could see (the outline of his life force created a rough image, what you could only describe as a liquid-block of his aura rather than a real picture) as he continued typing data into what you assumed would be a holo-table.</p><p>The longer the connection held, the less potent it was. Within about a minute, it had subsided back to the manageable sort of preoccupation that you felt whenever he was in the same room as you.</p><p>Alex must have been in a meeting, you realised, since it was clear to you from a mixture of his emotions and behaviour that he was able to feel you in the same way you could him, but he was trying hard to hide it.</p><p>In such close proximity to him, you couldn’t help but replay his words to you again and again in your mind.</p><p>
  <em>Look after yourself, love.</em>
</p><p>You weren’t sure if Alexsandr was able to hear what you had thought, or whether something was happening in his meeting (though you doubted he was paying any attention to it now) but his eyebrows furrowed very slightly in what you thought might be either regret or embarrassment, or perhaps a mixture of the two.</p><p>Your thoughts were racing at a speed the Empire’s TIEs would have been envious of.</p><p>But though the option of exploring this connection and the possibilities and limitations was enticing, you were grateful enough for the time you were able to spend with Alexsandr.</p><p>You released a deep breath that you were only semi-conscious of holding in, and cleared your mind as you had done so many times before. You allowed Alexsandr’s comforting presence to remain, though, nestled snug into a little crevice of your brain in the corner of your meditation.</p><p>You could feel him relax, as well, now that the connection was only a gentle reminding warmth.</p><p>You had thousands of questions, but they were for later. Right now you just wanted time to relax, and refocus your mind.</p><p>Ahsoka’s task from earlier came to mind, and you reached slowly, carefully over the surface of the planet, getting to know the layout as well as you could through the density of the plants, people, and creatures. You learnt that there was only one settlement, flanked on one side by a group of fields, each growing variants of the same sorts of vegetables, and on the other were the rocky plains on which you found yourself.</p><p>Alexsandr had finished his meeting, and was now eating. You couldn’t tell if he was in the mess hall. Probably. The rotations on this planet were obviously off from Yavin, so you weren’t sure what meal it was he was eating, but there was something calming about the repetitive motions of putting food in his mouth, chewing, and swallowing.</p><p>You knew that practically, you were alone in the wilderness of some strange planet, ages away from the majority of your surviving family, but you couldn’t help but feel like you were sitting across from this man who you felt inexplicably drawn to.</p><p>When he looked up from his food, it was as though he was staring you directly in the eyes, even though your image of him was so incredibly blurred that you couldn’t make out any defining features of his face.</p><p>The ‘eye contact’ lasted only a few seconds before he broke it to reach for something from his pocket.</p><p>You were startled out of both your meditation and your connection with Alexsandr by a little <em>click</em> coming from your pocket. It was your comm - of course it would be; you shouldn’t have been surprised.</p><p><em>’What are you doing?’</em> Alex’s tone was one of amused curiosity, immediately bringing a smile to your face.</p><p>‘I don’t know. I was meditating. You felt it?’ You had been pretty certain anyway, but you asked out of curiosity.</p><p><em>’Could you at least warn me before you do something like that in future? I was in a tactical meeting. They had to stop it because I couldn’t</em> concentrate <em>with you there.’</em></p><p>‘I’ll take that as a yes, then.’</p><p>
  <em>’Yes.’</em>
</p><p>Wait, what did he mean he couldn’t concentrate? Was it in a bad way or a good way?</p><p>It didn’t matter. The pause in conversation was growing stale, you had to say something.</p><p>‘What are you eating?’</p><p>
  <em>’I’m not even going to ask how you know that. Did you know there was a tip-yip farmer on Lothal? He gave us some before we left; the cooks actually did pretty well with it.’</em>
</p><p>‘Hmm.’ You lay back against the cold rock surface, stretching your legs out in front of you as you listened to him talk.</p><p>The galaxy stretched out ahead of you, with each individual star creating a little dot on a much larger map of life. There were millions of systems out there.</p><p>
  <em>’What are you thinking about?</em>
</p><p>Usually it was you asking Alexsandr these sorts of questions, though you’d both gotten pretty good at reading each other recently.</p><p>‘Not much,’ you paused, trying to string some words together to convey what it was you were thinking. ‘Do you ever think about how weird it is, that we know each other? You know, ‘cause there are so many systems, and planets, and maybe even galaxies. But out of all of those people, you and I get to be… you know. I know you.’</p><p>
  <em>’Yes, I think that far more often that you’d think.’</em>
</p><p>‘Huh. We’re pretty lucky, I guess.’</p><p>Maybe you had given away too much there. But he had called you “love” earlier, so it probably cancelled out, right?</p><p>
  <em>’Oh, I’d say we’re incredibly lucky.’</em>
</p><p>It was times like these, when he said things like that, that you thought that your worrying and your doubts might all be for nothing.</p><p>---</p><p>You had ended up ending the connection with Alexsandr soon after - he was called away to a last minute meeting and you realised that you should’ve gone to sleep hours before if you stood any chance of getting your internal clock synced to the rotation schedule of this planet.</p><p>You had realised on the walk back to town that you hadn’t actually discussed anywhere to sleep with Ahsoka, but there was an abandoned shack of a house right on the outskirts that you were sure no one would mind you borrowing, just for a night.</p><p>And you were right - the next morning no one in the street batted an eyelid when you left the property and made your way towards where the Force told you Ahsoka was.</p><p>You had found her working the fields, and though you had arrived a few hours later than everyone else they were quick to set you up with a tiller and put you to work. On a remote world like this you imagined they would take whatever help they could get.</p><p>You didn’t get a chance to talk to Ahsoka much until the workers stopped for lunch a few hours later, when the sun was just past its prime.</p><p>She didn’t mention your disappearance the night before. You weren’t her Padawan, or even formally her student of any means, but you couldn’t help but feel slightly embarrassed. Especially after the conversation you had had with her just before, it was obvious that you had ditched her in favour of some man that you were pretty clearly infatuated with, though you were loathe to admit it even to yourself.</p><p>‘Did you sleep well?’</p><p>‘Yeah. I meditated a bit, out on the rocks, but I did, thanks.’</p><p>‘Good. We have a few more hours work here, but after that I want to do some physical training with you.’</p><p>It had been a while since you’d had some proper combat training, lightsaber to lightsaber. Sparring with Alexsandr was fun, of course (one particularly heated incident immediately sprang to mind), but you could feel your technique slipping, so you readily agreed to Ahsoka’s proposition.</p><p>---</p><p>The time slipped past you, and before you knew it you had been on Raada (you had finally learnt the name of the moon) nearly a week. Your timetable consisted of helping in the fields, evening training sessions with Ahsoka, and then late night talks with Alexsandr when you were supposed to be meditating.</p><p>The fields were exceptionally boring, and though your conversations with Alex provided you with much to think (obsess) over, after even a few hours of the mindless work you began to appreciate your hectic, action-packed days with the Alliance more and more.</p><p>Ahsoka’s training sessions were always a much more challenging exercise though - she was obviously pleased with your meditation and self-discipline in this respect, and was focusing solely on combat in this sessions. She had forced you to choose a singular form to perfect - though Kanan had favoured three thanks to the influence of his master, he had always taught you balance and emphasised the importance of adaptability. Ahsoka didn’t quite disagree with this approach, but she had told you that it was important to have one specialty in which you were unbeatable. </p><p>You had chosen six, and even Ahsoka was pleasantly surprised by your progress.</p><p>By the evenings you were always physically exhausted, and so after a warm meal in the cantina you were glad to rest and stretch your weary muscles against the cool rock of the flats next door to the once-abandoned house that you now occupied.</p><p>Alexsandr was being kept busy on Yavin, so you meditated whilst waiting for his call. You had learnt during your conversations that the rotations were only off by an hour or two, so it didn’t usually take long for the many boring, bureaucratic meetings to come to an end.</p><p>You didn’t say this out loud, of course, but this was the longest you’d been apart from him in the months you had known him. You had never thought it would be possible for you to miss a living person this much.</p><p>You didn’t even have to talk during these conversations. Sometimes you both just sat in a comfortable silence, with the gentle static of the open comm line providing background noise as you both gazed at your respective views of the galaxy stretching out before you - you from the rocky plains, and him from atop the temple where you had sat together all those weeks ago.</p><p>Alexsandr had kept his word of keeping you informed of the situation with the defected Imperial pilot - apparently he had been found by Captain Andor and was now off on some mission that Alex was pretty sure wasn’t sanctioned by Mon Mothma. They were expected back any day now, with vital information about some new Imperial contraption.</p><p>He didn’t have any more details than that, and frankly you didn’t much care. It would seem that the distance between you had made Alexsandr more open - though he still wouldn’t quite put some things into words, you could hear the underlying message each night when he would sign off with <em>’See you soon, love.’</em> It wasn’t just a casual conversation ender, it was more of a wish for him. And for you too, for that matter.</p><p>Luckily, the house you had chosen to inhabit had a working outlet for your astromech to plug himself into, and before bed each night you made sure that your comm cylinder was plugged into the astromech’s port to charge as you slept, since you would’ve hated to part with your sole form of communication with Alex during the long days.</p><p>And it was a good thing, too - you were pulled out of your boring, cyclical thoughts in the fields one day by the distinct <em>click</em> of a communication line opening.</p><p>
  <em>’-ve sent you the coordinates. Meet us there.’ click</em>
</p><p>He was slightly out of breath and possibly on the move, you thought; he was obviously in a rush somewhere, which was also clear from the disconnect even before your response.</p><p>You had missed the first half of the message, but the urgency was clear, and you dropped your tiller where you stood, and ran for Ahsoka on the other side of the field.</p><p>‘I’ve got to go.’</p><p>Her eyebrows scrunched together in concern. ‘What’s happening?’</p><p>‘I don’t know, but it’s an emergency. I’m sorry. I’ll come back to finish my training.’</p><p>‘No, you don’t need me anymore. Go. I’ll find you when I’m done here.’</p><p>You had called for the astromech on your comm, and he had fired up the engines of your ship before you had even reached it, despite your Force-aided sprint.</p><p>You lifted off the ship off the ground with ease, and were halfway out of the atmosphere before the seal of the cockpit screen hissed shut fully.</p><p>The droid had plugged the coordinates Alex had sent into the navi-comp of your ship - they were for a planet named Scarif that you vaguely remembered hearing about in a briefing on Imperial data stores, or something like that. The jump would only take you about half an hour, but you were impatient to get there, and entered hyperspace as soon as you possibly could.</p><p>The silence of the jump allowed for time for you to consider what you were flying into - perhaps a stealth mission? It was a data bank, after all, and from Mon Mothma’s track record you highly doubted she would authorise any attack on the Imperial facility.</p><p>The droid provided surprisingly good company for the jump, and it turned out to have a great many interesting opinions on a variety of your rebel colleagues, the topic of which was sparked by its disdain for Mon Mothma.</p><p><em>Sabine’s scary. But she’s pretty, and she’s clever, and she helped fix my antenna one day.</em> It told you through a series of beeps and boops.</p><p>‘What about Zeb?’</p><p>Though the dome of his head wasn’t in your peripheral vision, you could hear it spin round as it trilled. <em>Scary Lasat. He threw toast at me. Forty six days ago. And he kicked me. Mean scary Lasat.</em></p><p>You laughed at him, earning a disgruntled series of beeps for yourself.</p><p>‘Okay, uh…’ you wracked your brains to think of another Rebel the droid might know of. ‘Okay, Wedge Antilles. Do you know him?’</p><p>
  <em>Lovely! Captain Antilles looks after R2-D2. Friends with Captain and his droid. Good Wedge.</em>
</p><p>You were approaching Scarif’s system now, and you pulled the ship out of hyperspace as you responded to your little droid, who was growing on you with every passing minute. ‘Can’t say I disagree-- ‘</p><p>You cut the end off your sentence as you emerged from hyperspace, focusing all of your attention on not flying straight into the dreadnought in front of you. You really should’ve sensed that before you ended the jump, and you mentally kicked yourself for your potentially fatal incompetence.</p><p>Out of immediate danger now, you could survey the wider situation. </p><p>It was absolute carnage. Alliance and Imperial ships were being shot down like flies around you, and on the distant surface you could see the billowing smoke of explosions.</p><p><em>’With me, Green 6!’</em> Another green streaked X-wing flew past your cockpit, and you recognised the voice of Wedge, obviously automatically connected through your Green Squadron helmet.</p><p>You had no chance to call Alexsandr on the cylindrical comm that you had now dropped into the foot well as you assumed the two-fighter-formation behind Wedge, and automatically fell into combat flying manoeuvres.</p><p>You forced yourself to focus on the battle unfolding before you, but you couldn’t help but scan every ship in your peripheral vision for the Ghost, where you were pretty sure Alex would be.</p><p>He wasn’t a trained pilot, and from the sound of his call earlier he was on his way into this very battle, so it would only make sense for him to be manning a gun in the Ghost, with Hera in the pilot’s seat.</p><p>Due to no fault of your own, you ended up separating from Wedge, and you took your first moment of respite to grab the comm from where it had been rattling around by your feet to call Alexsandr.</p><p>‘Alexsandr? Kriff, please respond, Alex. Are you there?’</p><p>
  <em>’Hey, kid, it’s me.’</em>
</p><p>You didn’t even have a chance to feel any embarrassment over Hera hearing your pretty desperate calls for Alexsandr.</p><p>‘Are you with him?’</p><p><em>’Oh, yeah, I’m doing fine, thanks for asking.’</em> You could hear from the periodic strains in her tone that she was flying, and though you were also worried about her well-being you really needed to be able to talk to Alex.</p><p>‘Hera, please, are you with him?’</p><p>
  <em>’Yeah, give me a second.’</em>
</p><p>You were, albeit only partially, reassured by this, and opted to rejoin the battle by tailing a TIE that was in turn following a Rebel Y-wing.</p><p>
  <em>’I heard you wanted to talk to me?’</em>
</p><p>You sighed in relief, letting the exhale guide your next shot right into the fuel cannister attached to the bottom of the TIE, blowing it up in one go.</p><p>‘Just wanted to let you know-’ you shot down another TIE, ‘that if you die here I will never forgive you.’</p><p>
  <em>’Fair enough. Same goes for you.’</em>
</p><p>You could hear him firing shots through the comm.</p><p>‘Cool. Glad that’s established.’</p><p>
  <em>’Darling, do me a favour and- oh kriff- sorry. Don’t go down to the surface.’</em>
</p><p>‘Don’t they need help down there?’</p><p>
  <em>’Just don’t. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. Please don’t.’</em>
</p><p>You found it hard to believe that Alexsandr would have a bad feeling that you didn’t already have, but you guessed that you already had enough bad feelings to not be able to recognise another one joining the party.</p><p>‘Sure thing. There’s more than enough TIEs for me up here.’</p><p>
  <em>’Thank you. I’ll see you on the other side. Be careful, darling.’</em>
</p><p>‘Always am. See you on the other side.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You had promised Alexsandr that you’d be careful, but with every passing minute you were finding it harder to keep that promise.</p><p>You had managed to find Wedge again, and though the two of you were taking many more risks than you should have, you did remember his warning when Wedge suggested entering the atmosphere of Scarif.</p><p>Thankfully, you had enough of a pre-existing relationship with the Captain that he didn’t question it when you told him you didn’t think it would be a good idea. There was more than enough for you to do up here anyway, since another cruiser had just appeared from hyperspace, soon followed by an absolutely colossal space station, the likes of which you had never seen before.</p><p>It stopped nearly every ship in its tracks when it emerged - had you not been so close you probably would’ve guessed it to be a small moon from the sheer size of it. But you didn’t get much of a break at all; within seconds another fleet of TIEs were emerging from the station, and it was clear that you had your work cut out for you in defending your own fleet.</p><p>You had turned off all communications from outside of your Green squadron, so you were only informed by Wedge when the Rebels’ mission had supposedly been completed.</p><p>You had all but forgotten that you were sharing your ship with the little droid until it beeped at you to tell you it was calculating the trajectory for the two-jump journey to the coordinates that had been provided by one of the cruisers.</p><p>What was left of the Alliance fleet had joined you in withdrawing from the battle and preparing to enter the hyperspace lane that began just to the side of the space station, when you were hit by a terrifying premonition. Something terrible was about to happen.</p><p>Perhaps this was what Alexsandr was warning you about earlier.</p><p>The station was so large that you could feel the thrum of pure energy as it charged. The energy signature was much too familiar to you though… It was almost like what you had felt the first time you held your kyber crystal.</p><p>Wedge’s voice sounded fainter than it had earlier as he instructed the Green squadron of exit protocol - you only vaguely registered as he briefly explained the two jumps that you would take to get back to Yavin and the short period between them. Your mind was much too focused on the station beside you.</p><p>You had passed it completely by the time it was ready to fire. The green lasers caught your attention through your peripheral vision, though, and you pulled the ship to a stop in order to better see what this revolutionary space station was capable of.</p><p>It would seem that most of the rest of the Rebel fleet had the same idea, and you could feel everyone around you hold their breath as the various lasers connected into one beam, directed towards the surface of Scarif.</p><p>
  <em>’Darling, please tell me you’re not on that planet.’</em>
</p><p>You had dropped the comm into the footwell of your ship again at some point during the battle, and you scrambled to reach it to respond. Alex’s life force thrummed through your bloodstream, and the tension in it was palpable.</p><p>It took you a second to find where the cylinder had nestled itself between your foot and the metal side panel.</p><p><em>’I swear to the</em> fucking <em>maker, darling, if you are on that goddamn planet, I-’</em> he paused a second, and though you could hear Wedge yelling through the comm for everyone to make the jump you were still frantically trying to grab a hold of your comm.</p><p>
  <em>’Fuck.’</em>
</p><p>The laser collided with the surface of the planet.</p><p><em>’Darling.’</em> His voice cracked halfway through the word in a show of vulnerability that you had never seen in him before.</p><p><em>’Green 6, make the jump!’</em> Wedge had pulled up alongside you as he yelled you out of your shocked stupor. <em>’Now!</em></p><p>There were only a handful of Republic ships left in the Scarif sector, and though you desperately needed to respond to Alex, to tell him you were okay, you knew that you had to jump. The TIEs had been equally as stunned by the destruction of the space station, but were jumping back into action and you could both feel and hear them approaching from the rear. And so you jumped.</p><p>---</p><p>As soon as you emerged from the first jump around 30 minutes later, you connected a private line to Wedge.</p><p>‘Captain, permission to dock with the Ghost?’ You figured that the formal request was more likely to be successful in this situation than a plea from a friend.</p><p><em>’Sorry, Green 6, no time.</em> He paused, presumably to reconnect to what was left of the rest of his squadron. <em>’Call in, guys. Are you ready for the second jump?’</em></p><p>
  <em>’Green 1. Ready.</em>
</p><p>There was a pause over the comms.</p><p>
  <em>’Green 3. Ready.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>’Green 4. Ready.</em>
</p><p>Another pause. Green 5 was nowhere to be seen, same as Green 2.</p><p>‘Green 6. Ready.’ You replied, reluctant to both admit the loss of your comrades, and to make another, longer, jump without first having a chance to talk to Alex.</p><p>You had retrieved the comm cylinder from the footwell during the first jump, but though you waited for it there was no connecting <em>click</em>.</p><p><em>’Okay, Green squadron. On my mark.</em> You could hear Wedge going through the same familiar motions to prepare for a jump as you and the other Green x-wings were as he spoke. <em>’Jump now.’</em></p><p>And you were off again.</p><p>---</p><p>You hated the strict rigidity of landing protocols that came with flying in a squadron of smaller ships. The marshals called into Wedge to keep the Green squad in the atmosphere for about five minutes whilst first the Red, then the Gold, and finally the Black squadron ships landed.</p><p>The droid had kept you busy during the two hour jump with whatever diagnostics it could run in hyperspace, but there was nothing to distract you from your thoughts now as you waited.</p><p>You hadn’t noticed between the two jumps, but the small light embedded in your comm cylinder was flashing red - it was out of battery. There wasn’t anywhere for you to charge it in the cockpit, so you had no way of contacting either Alex or the Ghost.</p><p>The minutes stretched out seemingly endlessly as you floated, suspended only a few miles from the one person you so desperately wanted to see.</p><p>
  <em>’Okay, Greens, we’re going down - Bay 5.’</em>
</p><p>Oh, thank the maker. Finally.</p><p>Wedge was still talking to your colleagues as you made your way through the atmosphere to the landing pad, and though you could hear him through the comm in your helmet you weren’t listening at all.</p><p>You were careful not to break formation as you descended towards your designated landing bay, but your eyes were scanning frantically for the Ghost.</p><p>And it wasn’t in vain, thankfully. Hera had put the Ghost down in Bay 1, and from the air it didn’t seem as though there was any damage to it. Of course - she wasn’t known as the best pilot in the galaxy for nothing.</p><p>You were already planning your route to Bay 1 from 5 as you put the ship down, mentally calculating which path would be quickest and the least busy.</p><p>Even with the numerous masters you had learnt under, one lesson that had remained constant was that the Force was not a plaything for you - you needed to respect the connection you had to it, and you should never take it for granted or use it for your own personal gain.</p><p>In this very moment, though, you could not have cared less.</p><p>You used the Force to soften the landing when you leapt from the cockpit, not waiting for the mechanics to wheel over the steps.</p><p>You used the Force to widen your strides, to propel your legs faster as you sprinted.</p><p>You used the Force to feel for Alexsandr in the large gathering of people.</p><p>And when you finally spotted his honey-brown hair above the shorter rebels surrounding him, you used the Force to push yourself even faster until you were finally, <em>finally</em> in his arms.</p><p>You buried your face in his chest, revelling in the comforting smell of his favourite mustard coloured shirt. You had wrapped your arms around him as tight as you possibly could, but it had taken him a minute to respond to your embrace.</p><p>When you pulled back, you could see his eyes were glistening through a film of unwept tears.</p><p>‘Darling?’ He sounded as though he couldn’t quite believe that you were really there, and you couldn’t blame him. After what had happened to Scarif, and then you not responding, and then your comm dying so that he wouldn’t even have been able to connect to your signal… You could tell the moment it sank in, though, as he pulled you back into his chest and wrapped his arms around you, encompassing you fully.</p><p>The rest of the world dropped away from around you until it was only you and him left. After about a week away, the once stifling closeness of his life force was now one of the best feelings in the world, second only to his real, physical warmth. </p><p>You could’ve happily stayed in this position for another year at least, but Alex extricated himself from your grasp enough to be able to pull back to look you in your eyes.</p><p>You had to lift yourself onto your tiptoes, since he was that bit taller than you, but the comforting feel of pushing your forehead against him was worth the reach. Your noses brushed against each other, and you could feel his breath warm against your cheeks.</p><p>His arms squeezed round your waist almost imperceptibly tighter as he breathed what was probably his third sigh of relief.</p><p>‘Alex,’ you whispered against him, causing him to open his eyes from where they had fluttered shut. You could see each individual eyelash shrouding his hazel eyes. ‘Gods, Alex, I’m so sorry.’</p><p>He didn’t respond, but rather closed his eyes again at the sound of your voice, so you took it as an invitation to continue.</p><p>‘I’m sorry, darling,’ His lips twitched upwards into a small smile at hearing you use the endearment that he had grown accustomed to using for you. ‘I dropped my comm in the battle. I couldn’t respond to you before the jump. And then I- it died before we got out of hyperspace the first time, and I tried to ask Wedge to let me dock, but there was no time, and I wanted to be able to -’</p><p>Your words were tumbling out so fast they probably weren’t even intelligible to him, and thankfully he put you out of your misery by interrupting your little stress-fueled rant with a whispered ‘Darling,’</p><p>You were suddenly acutely aware of the proximity between you - you were pressed flush against his chest, your foreheads touching, and your lips only inches away from his.</p><p>‘Yes?’</p><p>More reflexively than by choice , you glanced down at his lips, just as his tongue darted out to wet them. Fuck.</p><p>You dragged your eyes back to meet his.</p><p>‘Can I kiss you?’</p><p> </p><p>Kanan would’ve been proud if he could’ve seen how completely devoid of any thought your brain was right now.</p><p>Your breathing had been halted by the shock, and you had to actively remind yourself to inhale.</p><p> </p><p>‘Darling?’</p><p>
  <em>Fuck, it’s been too long, you need to say something.</em>
</p><p>‘Uhm. I’m sorry, what was the question again?’</p><p>
  <em>Fuck that’s STUPID. What are you doing?</em>
</p><p>Alex breathed a soft laugh, the warm air fluttering over your face.</p><p>‘Can I kiss you?’</p><p>‘Oh. Right. Yes.’</p><p>‘Yes I can kiss you, or just yes?’</p><p>‘Oh.’ you repeated. ‘Oh. Uhm.’</p><p>And then the realisation of what exactly it was he was asking dawned on you, and your thought processes returned back to their proper rhythm. Alexsandr was asking to kiss you.</p><p><em>Alexsandr Kallus</em> was asking to kiss you. And you hadn’t answered yet.</p><p>‘Oh, <em>fuck yes</em> you can kiss me,’ you breathed, barely able to finish your sentence before you were tangling your fingers into his silky soft hair and pulling him down to you.</p><p>And then your lips met, and it was oh-so-incredibly-perfect, and right, and <em>oh gods yes</em>.</p><p>He unwrapped his arms from around your waist, and now used one hand to brace against your rib cage, and reached up with the other to cup the side of your face. But you didn’t really care. You couldn’t bring yourself to care about anything other than his soft lips, moving against yours so delicately, as if he was scared you could shatter at any moment.</p><p>And you really, truly, felt as though you could.</p><p>And then he parted his lips ever so slightly to allow his tongue to brush against you, and you opened your mouth in response reflexively.</p><p>You had thought that it couldn’t get any more perfect when you were hugging him, but this… <em>This</em> was so, so much better.</p><p>You whined softly when he finally pulled away; an embarrassingly needy sound that you really rather regretted making when you saw the smirk threatening to grace his features.</p><p>‘Oh, shut up,’ you murmured, tugging on the strands of his hair that you had threaded through your fingers, dragging him back for another kiss. He had pulled away to say something to you, but you didn’t care.</p><p>And by the way he resumed kissing you, he didn’t either.</p><p>Your first kiss had been perfect in that it was gentle, soft, loving even.</p><p>Your second kiss was also perfect, but it was perfect not for delicacy. It was rougher, needy, demanding, almost messy. And under it all, you could feel his lips upturned in a smile, mirroring your own. The hand that had been on your waist was now copying your own; pushing flyaway strands away from your face and coming to a rest tangled in your hair.</p><p>This time it was you that had to pull away first for air.</p><p>You made to rest your forehead against his again, but looking in your eyes he seemingly couldn’t help himself and pulled you back for a chaste, closed mouth kiss. And then another. And another.</p><p>The laugh that you couldn’t hold back any longer didn’t deter him, and he continued repeating the action, kissing first your lips, and then your nose, and each of your cheeks, and then your mouth again.</p><p>‘Alex,’ you laughed against his lips, and it was only his spoken name that caused him to let up.</p><p>‘Yes, darling?’ The pad of his thumb stroked small circles against your cheekbone, and this time it was you that leaned in for yet another kiss - a short peck, followed by a longer, deeper kiss.</p><p>As you pulled away yet again, far enough this time that you couldn’t be tempted quite so easily, your peripheral vision became clearer, and you could sense people around you throwing glances over at you.</p><p>Gods, you knew what you thought of other people that acted like this in public.</p><p>You thought that they were stupid, that there was no way any other person could possibly be so great that it would compel them to be so frivolous.</p><p>But when you looked back at Alexsandr, you couldn’t help but place another kiss on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>Standing here, in his arms, just felt so <em>right</em>. After all this time, you were finally home.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘Ugh, <em>finally.</em>’ Sabine muttered with a smile as she walked down the ramp of the Ghost, back towards the base.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i have too much to say to put it into a tiny lil note here so im gonna put it in the next chapter :)</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
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    <p>ok, so. this isn't a chapter, but i have stuff to say.</p><p> </p><p>this is it!! i'm done. honestly i cannot quite believe that i've finished this fic,, it's been one of the most important things in my life for like over four months now,, but i am so happy w how it turned out and ngl i'm pretty proud of myself for this. it's the first proper fic that i've written to completion, and i really could not have done it without u guys!!</p><p>i've said it before, but i really truly appreciate every single comment/kudos i've got on this and i definitely would not have had the motivation to finish it without the support , so again, thank u all so much!!!</p><p>anyways, i also wanted to say that i'll be posting all epilogues (plural!) that i write to this as a separate fic, so check out my profile for that :) i also have some ideas for more kallus fics (i'm not done writing about our mans yet) so keep an eye out for that!!</p><p>also, special shoutout to theworldrevolves + stephie_rowena for ur comments ,, they're like 90% of the reason why i've written every single chapter and i genuinely think i'm a little bit in love w u guys so yea. thank you :'))</p><p>anyways , that's it. i really cant quite believe that its actually done but i hope u've enjoyed it, and thank u for reading !!</p><p>bye :)</p><p>~ jocastatano</p>
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